It's so cold in this room and i dont know why its going to be may this weekend this year is almost over matt comes home in less than two weeks i am excited, but also nervous we've never been together for an extended period of time i hope we dont get sick of each other i guess this will be good to find out if we really are as perfect together as we imagine if not, well who knows i read the perks of being a wallflower the other day i think i found the missing ingredient to an interesting journal my life just isnt fucked enough to have much of a storyline there is no childhood molesting, no abusive boyfriends, no LSD there is just a white town and lots of money and a pretty face and a loving family and there's just not much room to go uphill with that whenever im high, i always start to find society sort of laughable when i do things that are just sooooo stereotypical like talk about prom or even clean my room, it feels a little like life is a game of sims its hard to describe, but i can sort of see how easy it would be to disappear if I wasnt me like if everday was really just a strange simulation, and i could win at a game of happiness and control me from a computer screen, i would probably make me so much braver they say if you are unhappy, you have to change something and i mean, that's obvious unhappy isn't a feeling you want lingering around but no one ever tells you what to do with complacent like most gray areas in this black and white world, the idea of being "just okay" isn't really discussed if i know i am lucky, what if I make a change and mess every opportunity up? is that risk worth the chance to be legitimately thrilled to be alive? anyone who reads this (although why would you, my journals have been terrible lately) please please comment i'm just really afraid of being let down

just got back from family vacation in the bahamas not to sound ungreatful, but im glad to be home its not that it was awful, it just wasnt great too much time in one cramped hotel room too many $10 pina coladas and $400 dinners when i pay attention to it, i get a little ashamed of my own greed i could save a starving child with the cost of my apetizer and yet im too lazy to volunteer at a soup kitchen see,i only get to the feel guilty stage it never gets to the point where i actually get up and do something the past three nights i dreamed about chirs and its starting to freak me out i think its because im so obsessed with leaving, getting out and starting over that chill of the need for closure crawls over me and i start holding imaginary conversations in my head this time, i have nothing to ask i only want to explain, from the perspective one year later say: "I know i was immature and i was trying to make you fill a role you never wanted. But god damnit, i fucking cared. and i really hope you turn out okay" just simple declaration i try to make myself promise this will happen, but im so scared and lonely ill keep wishing on it though perhaps thats good enough

my skin, my skull, my breath, my bones everything just feels so dull and lifeless who am i who am i a person, or an image there, but not really a pair of eyes staring books, movies, media florals are so in this year lady gaga is just the greatest i am i am i am not even worthy of claiming a self not even worthy of claiming aspiration just inspiration, inhalation all different kinds of smoke all different kinds of crowds, apartments, places no one ever saw me be i go out, but its not enough i always have to come back home always have to face my own just absolute obsoleteness i am not doing great things, i am not doing terrible things i am just doing no things at all, which is why i am invisible i have left places i thought i was a part of only to realize i made no imprint at all easily forgetten, forgettable, regrettable i play wioth words like toys, cheap and plastic, if it almost rhymes, makes sense in time, i string my thoughts together i am so unmotivated i don't even care not about this journal that used to be my life not about my friends, my songs, my movies only about matt;matt matt matt because he asked to save me and i said yes savior the rest of my life into one word i will never have to try or live or love or feel because i am now just an attatchment of somebody else