sometimes i feel like i am just a pair of feet walking through a crowded hallway everybody else, they push and shove, caught in the crowd, loud loud loud but me, i just wait for my chance to walk on by a thousand days in a hundred classrooms writing, but not really writing just about books i didn't read, about science projects i never finished all those pages of effort, lost and thrown away at the end of the year disappearing into desks and walls and lines and halls that is the sum of my highschool experience the year is over, but we all keep pretending i wake up and get dressed, so colorful beautiful, only to sit around and stare into space to talk about other people to talk about leaving here i wish i could fast forward into an away, but im just so stuck in the lifeless gray ive been making myself go to the gym everyday an hour on an eliptical, 600 calories just gone its something i can use for an example of motivation "all you do is sit around and watch movies" false i go to the gym lately ive been feeling so tired that all i want to do is sleep my year away it seems so sad and wasteful though, so i wont let me now is my time to learn and grow, one last shot before reality hits and takes me down and flame this summer will be special i dont know why i just have a good feeling the weather is begining to shine and im ready to be there greeting life with a smile

I just put new dye in my hair pinkpurpleblue it is one in the morning and im not even tired thank you five hour energy shot i like being awake now, when the house feels so empty a false sense of home aloneness writing in this moment is comfortable i can gather up enough things to say, if I don't try so hard if i just let words flow and flow until i run out of motivation, maybe i can type out the things i need to say It was so nice today, a real start of spring as i was driving in my car, way too fast, it felt just like summer just like sitting out on the beach, carefree simple, complacent on the edge of happy i say it everday but i can't stop thinking about leaving so so close to finally getting to raise myself i don't think i like these everday sessions these words, well, they feel forced not like they used to, when i needed to be here now this journal, this website, feels so worn out i don't want to say i'm above this, but there's something that doesn't fit i feel like i lost my spark i don't know what i mean, im sorry ill try again when the timing feels more right

i am so fascinated with the notion of closure never once in my memory have i left behind a place or person with a feeling of tenderness and satisfaction when i leave, its usually because i feel i have to i am i shimmer and shine kind of girl one minute, i fill a room so bright its mostly blinding and in the next i am leaving through the window I think the reason i speak aloud to myself is to figure out what sounds real before i write things down, i want to make sure i mean them "I miss everything in my life I have ever lost" there, whispered outside the gym on a tuesday night that right there is truth i feel so afraid to talk about chris because once i start, i know it will be a waterall a deluge,a breakdown, a purging of worded feeling but i need to so i can justify everything so you can all see how greedy and helpless i am "look at her, she has the world...a beautiful boy who truly loves her and all she wants is fucking closure" bummer what a waste of human energy potential but thats what it is folks looks like we have another sad sweetheat on our hands that thing i said before, about wanting closure? well that's really a lie closure is just a pretty sane words for what i want what i want is absolution, a reward, an understanding i want chris to tell me he cared, past tense no no, too much too fast i need to mull this one over longer this secret is not stable enough to share

It's been too long again Too many hours talking to myself on lonely car rides, monologues of my life draped in the grandour of an imaginary audience I live with this artificial notion that i am beautifulspecialintelligentfabulous because im terrified of being ordinary i decided that spring will be my time to start living already with the sun coming out, i can taste my hope again i am happy, really and truly happy there is less locked inside me, more air in my shoulders I have room to breathe i am leaving next year, and that thought is so freeing i can make so many mistakes to not face down i can break free of the structure, the rules, the schedule and work on how to smile i went to the gym today, first time since the summer it was fine, because i said it would be easy fake hug, exchanges of words i have forgotten the hurt, my own stupidity mixed cds and summer, backhandsprings and bedrooms i am a grown up version of someone who cared, past tense and i just fucking smiled, left once again, without even saying goodbye