and everything in my heart, the ache of a pressure too great for the walls every blood vessel, every beat pounding was telling me to write so i kept it all inside it felt more normal as if the fact that i wasn't writing meant i was getting better as if i was sick before as if there were some miraculous transition stage i could take and shine on, claim to be a part of but i wasn't getting better i was only getting smaller my focus diminished to a pinprick of love matt, matt, matt alltheallthetime he absorbed me, into his words and his hope and i evaporated like rubbing alcohol he said that i made him happy and that i was his everything i have never been anyone's everything i am the guardian to a another human's heart is there is anything in the entire world more appealing or empowering? and so i accepted, a task i was unsure of when i said i loved, i loved when i said i hurt, i hurt but when i said forever, i couldn't grasp it like a space-time paradox, it was just too big vast and fast for me to wrap my head around i read sylvia plath and i thought about red capped bleeding thumb soldiers i read invisible monsters and i thought about blown of jaw bones and has been beauty i read my own work and i thought about how many hours and tears of my life i have spilled in order to create only a word collection and then i realized it was time to stop trying a kid from my school killed himself on saturday i didn't know him, but when i found out, i felt angry how stupid how god damn fucking stupid people cared about him people wrote nice things on his facebook wall that really seemed sincere and to think someone had to walk in and discover a lifeless hanging mannequin, well that just disgusts me

haven't been writing again haven't been doing anything, anything worthwhile atleast more tv more movies more hours at work, staring out into space feeling the pounding weight of me digging into my feet pain is nothing pain is all relative human capicity for suffering i am only a vessel for everyone else's projections i spent most of my vacation in virginia with him everything seemed boring, so lackluster at first i complained but then i stopped i remembered to stop expecting i remembered how safe it felt to be held and helped and believed in i do love him to tears, i really truly do but somewhere deep in my head i know we will both be broken hearted i miss music i miss writing i miss gymnastics i miss innocence i miss everything and everyone i used to be, but i'm not going to do anything about it next year is coming fast time to start rebuilding

everything is too too loud the fucking spanish speaker in the background my little sister's god damn homework assignment i was doing just fine untile everybody came home i swear to god, i was okay just streaming weeds and a million other movies because that incredible digital world was right at my fingertips but now that illusiion of peace is shattered it is my job to set the table rebecca needs the only good computer we have in this fucking house to do her stupid homeowrk i'm so sick of being home i'm so tired of being so breakable words,words, they all mean nothing they're just little sounds somebody else thought of i am not a writer, a creator i am only dust in a fucking costume being propped up and made to walk around and smile i'm so done feeling sorry for myself i'm so done pretending to be a REAL ACTUAL PERSON i stayed in all day again, even after i promised jesus christ i'm pathetic it's only what i deserve for everything good to be happening somewhere else