another million tv shows another movie, another chapter how many characters and imaginary plot lines can i fill my brain with before there's no room left to remember that i'm wasting away my life there's so much nothingness out there so many magazines with skinny gorgeous girls in all the ads and articles about how everyone is beautiful too many sitcoms with the that would never happens, the perfect love of a scripted chemistry that makes me feel like melting what are you doing? i ask myself after the third show turn that damn thing off and so i do, for a few minutes or an hour, but then... i get bored again and scared because my sister is always on the god damn computer and i quit gymnastics and my body is so sore from that stupid class at the gym with all those 40 year old women who are also just trying to kill some time and so i watch tv because it's s easy my mouth goes slack with my teeth flashing out all over the place i am so disgustingly lazy and everyday it bothers me less and less and less i keep making promises about this summer that's what i do whenever i get too disappointed with my life swear that at some pre set time i will change my entire personality and miraculously make it better i will go to concerts and on road trips with out telling my parents i will have fun and do weird things like play my guitar in shopping centers and not be self conscious but really i know it's all bull shit i am who i am: lazy, boring, and terrified i need something more than a date to change that i need something to actually happen to me otherwise i might just be stuck inside my little tv world forever if there's nothing new worth getting off the couch for

boredom that's what i can blame it on boredom you can live your life streaming you know just constantly viewing, waiting watching you don't have to be a real person the choice to acknowledge the consciousness, the who am i, what makes me me, is completely up to you i just got sick of my life i guess sick of being told to drive carefully sick of staying up to cram velocity and centripetal acceleration formulas into my brain there was a breaking point somewhere in there, i think some place where i decided i didn't want to own my life recently i've become an organized person my bed is made, the keys are always on the rack there's less panic that way it leaves more time to listen to useless suggestions, swollow down advice by the bottle full everyone thinks they know some special secret and their just dying to blab it all over the world whenever i get too bored inside my head, like at work, the first question i ask myself is who i want to be sometimes i think no one, as if i could do this forever as if with practice, i can completely seperate from my heart and desires, essentially be only a science experiement of a body-exactly as the rest of the world can see me i'm so fucking bored i don't even know what that word means i don't know if it's my fault for not being interesting, or someonne else';s for placing me here when i try to have conversations, i never know what to say i have such a problem making myself care i must have really snapped the tether huh? no, no, dear it's all an act i've merely discovered madness is a way to pass th time and somehow i'm always stuck with so much on my hands

blank pages, empty spaces who am i, where am i, what have i become when i lose my words, i'll reach for images there is nothing meaningful to say, so i'll hide that in a rain fall the way the wetness folds into your skin the sound of laughter springing up from broken hearts these are the memories we all hold onto this is the universal that makes us pretend we're important i get so blown away sometimes by my own insignificance my life is so fucking boring wake up, go to school, drive home safe now press repeat, rewind the tape i tried so hard searching for ways to be different but in a town filled with ice and eyes that just can't stay awake, somethings aren't worth fighting for i found out the hardway you can't look up the answers there's no back of the math book, no asking a friend we just live and live until we're hardly aware of it motions and motions of the here's who we are i once read that no matter how much shit you've taken, the little things still get you even with a heart break , you still cry over a parking ticket even though you know it won't matter, your lost phone or your ugly zit are still far worse than anyone else's holocaust our personal universes are so compact, because they need to be everyone knows a good story has a dilema so even if our only problem is spilling coffee in the car, it still becomes our climax and the only thing worse than this self pity, this pathos is seeing the light of how pathetic you are and realizing you just can't stop i am obsessed with external appearences i judge everyone inside my head the little commentary, the she's so fat, the wow he's ugly, it absolutely disgusts me how did i get to a place where this is what i'm made of? shallow words we've always heard flooding throguh my brain I look back to freahman year, and all i do is cringe the transparency is incredible a cut out magazine copy of the average 14 year old girl but the really scary part is, back then i didn't realize it if i dig deep, i remember thinking "wow i am so fucking specail" i honestly believed i was a shining star so where does that put me now? have i really changed, or did i just want to? are purple hair and pastel tights enough? Can i use the cult movies, the bizarre books to define me|? maybe not and i'm still stuck in place maybe i don't know everything maybe i'm still just a sick twisted 14 year old girl who has grown up to realize she'll never amount to anything extraordinary

there are so many ways to amke your life meaningless telelvision, movies, homework assignments you can get swallowed up in all that viewing if you sit back and let it happen, any thinking disagreeing part of you will just disappear there's something about crossed legs and folded hands that makes me feel safe only getting up exactly on the hour only looking at my watch at the change of a scene routine life in a routine world where nothing extraordinary will ever happen to me I've been watching drug movies. requiem for a dream, spun, and trainspotting zoom in on the dialated pupils fast forward on the amphetamine blurs i live those images, over and over simple pictures and wonderment of a feeling i can't imagine i have never had a rush, never had an oh my god maybe that's how people get addicted the get stuck on a feeling they can't live with out i have no idea what to do with the rest of my time i want to adventure but this town is so freezing i can't get far with all the rules and requirements i'm not allowed to be too different that's okay because my someday is coming and i'm ready to waste some time

Love Just that one word, thought, emotion racing through my veins with all the force of a broken femur When i asked for this, when i begged prayed and pleaded I never envisioned the damage not in the afterglow, but the current side efffects caution: may cause uncontrollable sobbing I cried today I cried so fucking much i torned into a giant tear drop just wet salty mascara black mess tugging a hot pink suitcase all across the airport Being apart makes me physically ill if i let it I can feel love in waves of nausea, in tired eyes drooping when it's still bright afternoon I am in so deep but it's a beautiful stuckness Drowning in a safe place Sobbing in the sunshine I love you so much i am willing to break my own safeties there are no barriers between us, just skin and warmth an whispers When i say you are my everything, i mean your love is all i'm breathing i need our dreams to think on I need your voice a million miles away I am pathetic and i know it, but i let it get this far holding back, pushing down has become no longer an option