It's so easy to blame the town you live in for all of your lost hopes and dreams and shortcomings everyone complains about being here, about how excited they are too jet off into the big wide world where there's more to worry about than cops at parties and running into your ex best friend at the grocery store people as a whole just amaze me we make these connections-a best friend, a love, a secret accidently shared and with little to no effort such closeness can smudge away to faded nothing I never stalk people on fb, but her profile caught my eye Cori Cori Garber so i clicked and i saw a pretty girl in red dresses dancing drunk, the bell of the ball at the party only the best were invited to and for a second i was so proud of her, for how much she'd grown up and become a real person, even though i'd seen her from behind a cloud of dust i had never seen her like that, in a world i was not a part of, in an alternate universe where she smiled and wore dark eye makeup and kissed boys At school, she doesn't talk she was my best friend freshman year, the first one who knew everything about matt, and i loved her becuase she believed all my lies I haven't thought about her in so long, even though i see her everyday i taught her what a blow job was. she tried to teach me how to sneeze more quietly We are in the same english class. even if we were the only two people passing through the hallway, we wouldn't wave. probably not even at the grocery store I used to wait for her outside the bathroom in gym. We were champions at badmitten I find it amazing that she has grown up, moved on she was so innocent, so perfect, just like every other freshman i don't know what i thought happened to her I guess i subconsciously imagined that she had stayed stuck in her world of holding in sneezes but to see her like that, exploding in pictures, well i missed her we were close she was such a sweet girl and all of a sudden everything caved in i am so proud of myself for not just giving up and going to sleep terrified, because i know this was important I am not crying for Cori Garber I am crying for the death of who i used to be Instead of growing up, I have differentiated I have killed off every shred of that innocent little girl, including all the good ones there are so many casualties, so many names, so many people i forgot to thank I wish i could get it back I wish that i was brave enough tomorow after english to say, hey cori can i talk to you? and ask if she remembers mocha chip ice cream In my perfect world, when i did this she would laugh and say she did In the real one she would lie and tell all her beautiful new friends how fucking weird i am we worked ona science project together sophmore year, even after everybody else had disowned me we got along great, just like freshman year she asked me for help on an english paper once i think she even called I don't know why I'm doing this, reminicig I think it's because if i can remember it well enough to write down, there;s still hope for something not with cori really, but for everyone i've ever loved and have ceased to see in my life i want to learn how to stop the sliping can you convince people to hang on for your sake, even if they have found a brighter start to shoot for? I'm really not sure I wonder if anyone has ever looked around and seen me missing probably not but there's always that maybe

Absorbing everyone else is a way to pass the time when i am stuck inside with miles of snow and everything else, every path to friendship and wholeness feels so closed off it's so easy to sit for hours and hours under the iunfluence of powder white adderall as an empty shell just begging to be tainted with other people's words and wisdom i found a website today about finding life's purpose it was for people who want their lives to be amazing, and just for a few hours i pretended I fell precisely into that category i read about luicid dreaming and LSD and learning how to love i want to say i'll apply it all to my life change everything from the ideas in just a few articles but i can't the mainstream is all i know even the tiniest breaks are too much too handle i care about what strangers think of me i still cry when they tell me i'm not good enough i still vow to change just to make everyone happy I'm sick of aquiesing I'm sick of inexistence If I could be anything, I would be a sparkling droplet of light a dancing rainbow, bluegreenperiwinkle, a twist and twirl of colored in smiles People would just know as they walked by, they would look and say "wow that girl must be something special" I would radiate, emulate it, change the world for everyone who wanted closure bracelets on my wrists, up to the elbows, and they would always jingle like perfect chimes, my very own soundtrack The clothes i wore would be a mystery of layers and skin, not sexy but beautiful so nobod could even fantasize about breaking my heart And most of all, I would smile and light up the whole room, and everyone would come close so i could protect them, protect them all from the hurt and hate and boredom and everything else in the world that just plain gets to me they say that visualization is half the battle if you believe it, you will recieve it so maybe in a few years, i can live to be incredible and for now i'll work on embodying me

matt's here and i haven't been writing i appologize dear future me, when you go back and re-read this, see the gaps in entry times getting greater and greater, please don't hate me i kind of feel like i'm losing my mind we woke up together this morning, too late and frantic, a bundle of covers my sister and parents were pissed, but i made it fine i threw on my clothing, makeup done so quickly and he still told me i looked beautiful I love the car rides, the hands on my knee, but sometimes i get the feeling that my life is just based off all i've seen in the movies i feel so ordinary it disgusts me at school the other day, we were talking about a story that we read, about this kid who dies by running through a glass door that image of clear splinters twisting in with the red cuts has been stuck in my head ever since "he wanted his life to be amazing" that line caught me too, and it's still tumbling along in my brain he wanted his life to be amazing it sounds so promising, so wide and vast and beautiful but i don't know if i can really claim that for myself i am far too terrified to genuinely want my life to be anything apeciaL

I am flying high so i should probably start writing I hate much it's started to feel like an obligation lately a homework assignment i leave until two in the morning oh dear, i think i misplaced my motivation again i don't know if i even have enough left to start looking my back really kills and i don't know why i could be pregnant see, there's my deepest darkest secret documented now, my first almost terrible i feel stupid for letting it get that far but it was spur of the moment, bad teen movie, trojan extasy condom commercial excitement wihtout the actual product or for him it was atleast i just gave myself over for me it was blah, payback for him doing my homework but i'm trying to be a good girl so i'm not going to complain i think i might take some e with this random kid i met next weekend i will probably have to lie to matt, but that's ok it's only the getting caught part that i would feel bad about recently, i've started hating everyone okay fine, not recently but just more than usual no one appreciates my condescending comments i can feel myself being hated i go home and talk to matt and read now during lunch so i don't have to worry about staying silent i just wrote an essay about marxism and crime and punishment i didn't read the book i think it came out great i don't really know which class i would fall into under a marxist lens i mean i do have a shitty minimum wage job, but it's kind of fake i don't actually need it, unlike the college dropouts who take a bus to work from hartford oh god that sounded snobby i'm sorry i would take it back but no one ever taught me what to replace it with so basically, i am just a poser in the world of $8 an hour and smile/scan Or atleast a conditional poser Technically it's not me who has money, it's my parents and assuming i go to college get married and give them cute grandkids then i get money too more than $8 an hour kind of money But then again if i don't... well, i'm fucked or atleast fucked until i submit to my opressors of the burgoisie and work the same job i had as a teenager for the rest of my life i really don't know where i'm going with this i think i'll stop we all know i'm going to college