I think something's wrong with my eyes I could swear i slept last night, could swear atleast 7 hours were spent in my bed but my eyes just won't believe me they still feel heavy i still feel like sleeping even though i have the whole world layed out ahead of me i hate my body i miss the muscle, miss the flexibility my lungs are too filledwith smoketo run well my heart is too filled with pressure to getout of this house so lazy, so tired, so unmotivated are you scared yet? because it's just starting to set in for me

When an alarm wakes you up at 5 in the morning, you don’t really have time to come back to your skin. You are still part cover, part dreams. So your legs feel fake stumbling across the room. And you just have to sit for a second in the corner after you turn off the sound. Waking up this early feels like a car crash. It’s like someone screaming, when you are dazed and confused, “here is your life, now go fucking live in it”. And for the few seconds of walking back across the room, finding the light switch, all that responsibility seems entirely possible. Physically getting up is the hardest part. When your brain is still too black to register the carpeted floor, you forget how to feel angry. You just accept everything as unchangeable. It doesn’t matter how heavy your eyes feel. Doesn’t matter that you feel alone. Wakefulness is here at the brim of your consciousness. And turning around and falling back in now just seems like a waste. Five hours of sleep is not enough for a teenage girl, but no one will ever tell you why. No matter how many websites you Google, no matter how many times your mother sends you to bed, you will never get a specific consequence. Sleep is good. Sleep is important. But that’s all it ever is. And without a threat, without, “you will die” or “your eyes will fall out”, the word enough is meaningless.

I am trying so hard to write a song filled with meaning but every word combination has been used before love like sunsets fighting the truth all stolen images, copies of a copy my mind isn't right right now only five hours last night i have a physics test to study for and a room to clean the ever growing to-do list scrolling through my head sometimes i consider just closing my eyes and hoping the tasks will all disappear but come morning the list only seems longer i miss virginia because i miss him there was no perfection in that sunshine weather only love and sex and tears and laughter the little gifts of everyday that make me feel deserving of happiness i don't know what i will do without him in his room on the last night i started crying, hideous tears mascara black over burning red cheeks because i realized just how much i need him a simple mistake, a careless half descision, a grabbed wrist and a heart break did you know it shoots through your left arm, when you are simply melting in piece? these little tingles, like when your feet fall asleep, filling the gaps between muscle and bone that's where all the tears you have no more energy for hide up inside your shoulder blade today in class, the aimless droning i copied down something but i'm not sure it was notes maybe lyrics with oictures, maybe brilliant unwravelings i decided not to read it over acting class is a presentation of bullshit and errors in language i wrote that down too, all the incorrect and idiomatic expressions she used "let's get the giggles out" "that was lovely" "Can I ask you to crawl on your knees behind the walker and scream your lines like you're desperate to be heard?" giggles are not tangible lovely does not describe pain and you can ask all you want but i may not concede the way everyone is so careless bothers me language, poetry is how i understand the world no one says what they mean anymore expression has made us liars i wonder how long it will be before i start to do it too?

always so tired love, he says when i go to bed again i know i know i'm so so sorry but i just son't have time to be super girl i guess your city is burning tonight because i just don't have enoughe nergy to fix it i live so much inside my head imaginary hallucinations invisible written words i want to be an angel with a paper mind who only smiles i want to still see the world as my oyster i have a superiority complex because i think i am smarter than everyone adults who speak at me in that condescending pitying tone i become a big blank i am an expert at staring i read fight club, so now my mind is all fucked up destroy to create bruises and blood nothing terrible has ever happened to me i am alone in an amplified paradise see, this is why i don't write more often i have no idea what i'm even talking about