I hate this house my heart hurts so much walking on eggshells treading in water there's no safe place to stand no matter how much i give, it's never enough it's all about grades and report cards i only exist on paper, an assortment of letters and numbers the wrong ones and i am worhtless the right ones and i get by for another day i think that this is why it's so hard to do homework why i don't care at all about the meaningless effort more miserable doesn't always equal more happy although you have to give to get, i do believe there is a maximum capacity it's just like alcohol 3,4, maybe five shots of that bitter taste and you feel lighter and lighter and lighter but any more than that, all you get is sick i am at my threshold for suffering there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them break me, just give into the weakness and medicine but there is another part that says i am already broken and it's really not worth a second try i believe i am stronger than words and memories because i know how to manipulate them what i write in here might not be real life it's only an interpretation, a one sided story, of the surrounding events that make me i'm not sure if the best way to define myself is by my thoughts or by my actions while inside i am a shattered mess, in school you'd never know i still laugh, make jokes, smile most of the time, even i can trick myself it's o hypocritical when i think about it because i really hate bullshit but honestly, i see only two clear choices one i can risk everything i've worked so hard for and show everyone how much i am falling apart or two i can keep up what i started years ago and just pretend that i'm ok i love matt, from the bottom of my heart, but i need myself more i can't go back to being unfeeling i can't make the schedules, write in the sleep, turn off the music all those things i do besides school make up my sanity if i give up on that, i give up any piece of me that's loveable and that kind of defeats the purpose

omg i am so freaking happy i totally just figured out how to fix my journal yay yay yay top of the world for a while i can pretend this is enough to smile living without a journal was so weird all these brilliant words and thoughts just darting across my mind only to disappear in the tips of my fingers i have said it before and i'll say it again without these words i don't exist the ache in my heart felt better today i am back to missing him on a normal still funtioning level last night was so scary, when i couldn't stop crying that's the closest i've ever felt to the edge of insanity all that pathetic desperation, the need to be promised i'm so so sorry i'm doing this to you, but you're the only one who understands i know, he says, we'll be okay why can't i stop crying? why does this hurt so bad? you're just in love, he told me this is how you give your entire being up to someone else this is how you learn to feel and this, right here these words, this is how i'm getting by

waking up early with a head full of sleep and the dark in the sky can sometimes be the most lonely feeling it is only then, when i'm so deep inside my skin that i really feel safe starting to question we say that we have to, but there is no such thing there are consequences ofcourse, but there is also choice i have to wonder how that little voice inside my head forcing me out of the covers got so powerful technically, i could just stay in bed technically, i could skate away but there is still that survival instinct too afraid to let go of all that i am used to work is so easy, just standing for hours scan scan scan, happy smile rhetorical questions, the fakest of laughs $40 closer to my wildest dreams i spent too many hours watching tv, but i had nothing else to do little worlds i'm not apart of seeping into my conciousness pull the curtains around matt and school and friends for a while a place where nothing matters, not even in my brain what could possible be safer? he's hurting so much that it's starting to break me jump on a train and leave it all behind i would but...i can't why? i don't know not enough stamina i guess just not enough fucking stamina maybe someday we can be happy, but for now this makes more sense all these miles and we still hurt so bad what happens if we're close and you break my heart? or worse, what happens if i break yours? there's booze in my closet and pills in my drawer there's smoke in my lungs and aches in my head but here in my mind there's only these jumbles of what i think words are supposed to be in the car i talk to myself, making great revelations i pretend i am in a play, some weird artsy shit with a strange camera angle matt wishes he could be tyler durdon but i just want some valium i'm such i realist even with drugs i can't be that crazy i live in too close quarters with normal i hope that it gets easier from here on i hope that it gets easy if we pretend we're okay