right when it happens, i need to release I run up here, heartbeat racing, all the words spilling over from my mind to my fingers, too fast, so fast, most of them just end up lost the littlest things set me off, break me up to these shattered fragments i can't sit and study i can't hear the yelling i don't know why, and i can't explain i don't want to be the best i can be i feel better with just okay they offer drugs and i reach instinctively for the lifeline give me adderall, give me prozac i am weak, and sick, and hurt, and scared i don't want to be normal but i'm so so tired i could use a little break, i want a good day i used to think i'd rather be anything but ordianry, but i never realized how strong and independent that meant i had to be the burn out is incredible with every pill controlled action i inflame a little piece of everything i've become or that circumstance has made me it doesn't matter because nothing matters but it's hard to feel like that when you have to live inside the inexistence in theory never works out for real life as much as i let go, i feel the need to reach again i have already found my method of misery leave me to it, i know what i'm doing in a hundred years, no one will even remember my name

I'm at someone else's house in north carolina so i feel kind of odd about typing my soul into our cousins computer i'm alone in the room, but there's no sense of privacy not like you get in your own house with the door closed, where you can get lost in your own little world i've been thinking alot about tattoos lately, which one i want when i turn 18 in a perfect world with perfect parents, i would get Watch the Sky right on my spine, where i know it would hurt like hell but as i'm apparently going to have to hide it,i'll have to settle for a spot that won't show in a bikini in the car ride to chapel hill today i realized i could get one on my wrist, right under all my bracelets it could be my little secret, and it would still hurt like hell, which for some reason i think is important probably just so i never forget that once upon a time it was worth that much if i ever start to hate it i think the words "we can live like this" wrapping around like a bracelet would be perfect i'm still not sure yet what exactly they mean for me, but it's a line from "holiday from real" and i bet i'll figure it out eventually i'm sorry this was probably really boring and no one cares, but it's as deep as i felt okay with i have alot about matt and real life for later now that i promised, i'll be able to guilt myself into doing it as soon as i get home good, i need that pressure now i'm gonna do a survey thing cuz i haven't done one in a while have a great day -serenity :) Would you change for the person you're in love with? if it was better and not just different, then yes A lyric from the song you're listening to? this room feels small and only getting smaller Have you done something bad today? if 2 in the morning counts as today then yea What makes you happy most of the time? music Do you have any siblings? a sister What did you do last night? drink mojitos and watch american pie Where’s your phone right now? by my side What are you doing tomorrow? visiting a college and seeing matt:) What are your plans for the weekend? well as it is the weekend, we're gonna go with see above Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? night Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? haha yea Are you ashamed of your past? slightly Are you wearing a necklace? yes it's a peace sign Think back to March, were you in a relationship? in march i would have said kind of, but now it's a definite NO Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? yup How is your life lately? amazing it's summer and somebody loves me Could you go out in public, looking like you do now? just did Is your hair naturally curly or straight? wavy. Whens the last time you laughed REALLY hard? can't remember. probably recently. i like laughing Do any of your friends have children? nooo How many people have feelings for you? 2 that i know of Have you ever been cheated on? not really Are you hard to please? nope Are your friends just like you? some of them What are you craving right now? a bathroom but i'm busy damnit! Do you know anyone that smokes? me How are you feeling right now? fine Are you missing anyone/something? matt Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? yes Do you love the last person you called? yes. Could you date someone taller than you? definitely Next time you will kiss someone? probably tomorow Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? haha definitely Did you hold hands with anyone today? nope Do you wear glasses? nope. Are you afraid to answer sexual questions? nope. Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips? yea

all those words i've kept hidden for over a year are flying through cyberspace on their way to matt's email i didn't know what to say, so i left the message blank leave it open to interpretation let him be the judge of just how crazy i am camp was meh so i'm glad to be home too much gymnastics=too many tears i am so overly sensitive when i let myself down especially when they're watching,i just come undone i hate not being good enough i hate being so afraid as i have no gym, i am now officially done wrap it in a pretty brown bag with everything else i used to love i always walk away when i start to care too much it's so much easier than not giving in matt and i talk every night, but we're running out of things to say how many times can the words i miss you still sting? how close can you get to a voice on the telephone? i swear i still love him, but i want to let go i can't keep drifting closer when there's so many miles i refuse to give up my own life just to save part of yours maybe someday, when there's no parents or high school, but right now i have to learn to be alone my eyes are closing cuz it's already morning i need some sleep so i can get through tomorow goodnite