there is a place in my heart where everything shakes give me the meltdown, give me the meaning tell me what constitutes as a purposeful existence what tasks must i complete, mark off my checklist for me to qualify as an Incredible Persom he left last night, with blue eyes dry and black ones swimming i couldn't help it, those little noises at the back of my throat sorry, i said, as i pulled me in closer it's not goodbye, just see you later a cheesy line from the movies i've only heard about, wouldn't bother to waste $10 on is becoming my defining moment fuck those tears, fuck my heartbeats in a matter of time, i'll find a different tune to sing the entity of love is only as strong as the fuel you give it if you lament the loss, really sit down and absorb all the lonliness, then of course there will be days where the world feels like a day dream but if you just decide that he is gone with the tears, say to yourself, i am stronger than this feeling, the next day you can smile so bright your headache hurts and keep everyone guessing he asked about the entries i promised to give him, but i just couldn't do it i'm not sure if i want him to know how much i hurt and break and rend and bend even if i don't like pretending, ordinariness is easier to leave behind it's never the stupid quotes that get stuck in your head like "a stictch in time" or "early to rise" but the ones that you make up, when you're on the edge of sleep or the ones that he whispered when he thought you weren't listening if he sees this, i'm not scared he won't love me i'm scared he'll change his definition so that he will feel responsible for the damage, and i don't think i can lie and tell him it isn't all his fault i'm leaving for camp for two weeks, no drugs and cigarettes, just good clean fun practice for making friends practice for fitting seemless i think i'm done now because my hands are feeling shaky i wouldn't want them to betray me, type what i really mean because then i'd just have to miss you all over again

people screaming, jumping, sweating, pulsing the crowd all round, no room to move, no room to breathe my lungs were all filled with cigaretttes, my head was spinning and falling towards the floor i thought about what it would be like to drop in that crowd, if people would stop to care, or if they'd just keep on dancing right over your face i love that feeling of mixing sweat, of catching lyrics in my ear i wish i held onto more inside my head, just swaying feels lonely when everyone else knows all the words i want to be a super fan, screaming fuck me charlie scene, you guys are fucking awesome but that would be pretentious so i just blended instead I went with all the druggies and i fit right in i smoked like 7 cigarettes, one right after the other i kept thinking how matt would kill me if he knew, but there's no way that he will that night, i was harper threshold, tearing down the city everything at home seemed like a fucking joke i hate how reality always has to set back in I've officially decided that matt can go back to virginia without me on his mind i don't want that tie, that far off connection, pulling me out of the fucked up cuz i could use a little break love doesn't mean shit from that many miles, especially because sex is a huge part of our teenage definition everytime i see him, the way that he pushes, how badly he wants it makes me hate him just a little more it's how i've come this far, breaking down my dillusions i know now that he is replaceable,just like me i'm so sick of forgettin i am only a toy the concept that being used atleast means i'm useful is really starting to loose it's meaning

i hate the sound of my own voice screaming stupid words, everything, louder i'm sorry, so sorry, it's not really my fault i'm fucked in the head, i'm sick in the mind i can't be held responsible for my actions until they started yelleing, tonight was amazing we sung on a picnic table, wished on stars in the sky i'd tell you my wish but htne it can;t come true i'd tell you the truth but then i'd turn into a flame this ache to be loved digs deeper through my toes i cling to the ground but it's not enough he is leaving no matter which way i slice it i still see the pretty colors of sunset red blood maybe tomorow, we can go running hey remember when...? he tries not to, but i wish that he does i want him to see the ways that he made me i want him to cry for every tear that i've bled when he goes, i don't know what will happen to me i define myself mostly as his other half today, when the walls felt so dull in my bed, i missed him so hard i felt him break inside of me "listen to you, you're really losing it" yea i know she swears she's insane but the pain in her veins slips away i wish i was crazy enough to have hallucinations imaginary friends, to keep me company take me to antarctica mr. lies i want to see the hole in the fucking ozone layer

i feel so unstable and shaky i don't even know how i'm still conscious i drove like that, hands gripping the wheel, shivers jolting through me thinking about seeing him again it was raining, thunder and black clouds, a little piece of orange sky I got in his car and he didn;t laugh when i told him i talked 80 miles a minute about life and chris and writing and he nodded just like old times It felt less weird than it should have we both remembered how we were i forgot how much i missed him i forgot how much i still do he let me hug him goodbye and i almost exploded he is so ingrained in my past, in my present that i can't let go i didn't believe him when he said he was indifferent I didn;t believe him when he said he forgave me I want him to be angry so there's somthing to fix That way, i'll know just what to do I was always so good at mending the broken i want to call him but it's too much the night is done, i'll let it slide slide away into new memories and lyrics drift off into cursive on paper because that's all it ever was before he goes i'm going to show him my song i don't want to be there, but i want him to know i think it's important i get it off my mind I don't want to be the sole guardian of my insanity loving and missing someone right next to you is the strangest of feelings i'm listening to dave and it's making me smile, but tomorow it might just make me cry i told him that too, but i couldn't tell him everything it felt too vulnerable, that trapped air in the car windows rolled up to fight off the rain wouldn't fight off my secrets p.s. i still care p.s. i still love you i have time and that makes it safer the structure we balance on is ever so delicate i can feel the scars and bumps and bruises once they fade, it will be okay to make new ones all on purpose so i won't feel ashamed I am well aware that what i'mm putting myself through is crazy I am well aware there may or may not be lasting consequences but i am also aware that i have a chance at a change and i can't let that go so easily