when you ask me why i've changed, i lie and tell you because i like it the blue hair and the television the texting and the myspace but really it's because when i morph into a shallow representation of everything i can't stand it just means i don;t have to face me it turns into this magnificent round of questions, vicious cycle of why why whys why do i hate everyone? because i hate myself why do i hate myself? because i'm not good enough for truth in cliche why are you not good enough? because i can't stick to the plan why can't you stick to the plan? because i get distracted by everyone else But when i'm distracted, i don't feel unhappy I feel normal, like i'm told i should there is no depression and anger there is no tears and insanity but on days like today, when i'm forced to be alone i start thinking all these fucked up thoughts and i feel so lost and unloveable so then i trace it back, try to find the last time i felt sure and i see matt's face in the crossroads everytime i have to freeze, remind myself that it can't happen again but then the whys, they keep attacking why can't it happen? because wanting an abusive relationship is sick Why is that sick? because love is not meant to be so painful why is pain not love? because the cliches say it isn't Why aren't you over the cliches? because i still live in this world I have this disgusting need to talk to him, but i don't know what to say actually, that's a lie I know exactly what to say I want to tell him I still love him I want to appologize for being ordinary I want to ask him what it was he saw in me that made him expect more and why i haven't met anyone else who sees it too I'm so scared of him laughing I'm so scared I'm out of his head it's another of those one sided situations no matter how much i care, there's still a big chance i could just be a joke I wrote a song about him I wrote one about chris too i still mean that one i still mean this one I'm so confused and torn and undecided If i could have one wish right now i would wish matt magically back into my life just for the summer just until he leaves for college and i'll never see him again just long enough to see if he remembers who i used to be

There is blue in my air There is smoke in my lungs There is booze in my tomorow And i feel nothing like me it is beautiful, having no meaning hours on myspace talking to strangers hours on the couch watching the television Every other minute i spend either drug studying or texting Constant connection means no time for thinking shallowness is somehow deep enough to get lost in plastic everything, eyeliner pupils Blasting beats, dreaming in color there is no wasting time when you accept your own irrelelvance it's all about the sparkle, fluff and fillers If you don;t want to cry, escape from the real We're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are

I think it's hilarious that on google you can search for the meaning of life type in "how to" and just see what pops up How to be happy How to feel beautiful How to be the girl everyone's watching It's so great because all these little step by step manuals make everything seem so easy step 1. relax step 2. smile step 3. take the good with the bad When they give it all numbers, it's so common sense All the stumbling blocks just melt away You get cocky and start planning for tomorow You tell yourself you'll wake up and truly feel beautiful You believe it all because you need to Otherwise you'll have nothing to get up for And then you'll have to stop feeling I want to be scene because it's nothing like me Just another how to guide Spending hours on youtube for hair and makeup A daily costume that takes hours to apply I created a myspace with a beautiful name HarperThreshold, like angels in America I hope nobody understands it I want to leave them guessing I went out today with the layers and colors It felt like living someone else's life Everyone staring for all the wrong reasons Confidence radiating around my aura S and I are having a photo shoot on thursday Think shades and tutus, eyeshadow and bikinis Sexy, Nexy, Fabbity Fab It's something to do in this boring ass town Re-invent yourself into someone bizarre See how far you can get from the prototype Decipher the true definition of glamorous I want to BE Zui Suicide with the stick thin frame I want to stand up for myself, be loud and unavoidable I'm so sick of pretending to like loitering in McDonalds I'm so sick of pretending to like half my "friends" I refuse to play along, to laugh at the unamusing I want to focus all my energy into HarperThreshold, into losing the weakness I need lust and fire and passion and contact No one ever said I had to have all these rules Losing control can be my safety Then, if I mess everything up They'll have to know it's not my fault

My life is a joke so I'm gonna keep laughing Every failure, every fuck up, is seen from a rocketship it's someone else who will clean up the mess this time I'm too busy gravitating toward the brightest star I never write in here anymore because i like it better when I'm not really feeling When I write, i have to face me I have to sit here and digest all the reasons why i feel so small instead of dancing as fast as i can on reality tv and caffine pills I died my hair blacker and everyone loves it I hate it, I think, but I'm not really sure Because by I, I could mean any of the thousand million eople I've ever pretended to be And right now I'm finding the balance The girl in the mirror looks like no one I know She wears too much makeup and too many colors But somehow I can see a stregnth behind her eyes ow ow ow this is digging too deep see what you made me do, journal? For a second there I remembered to feel my world falling apart

All this emoting is making me empty These words about nothing they spill and spill out of my pores, self indulgent nonsense Talk to fill silence talk to fill nothing I want to stop, but i can't without these words, i don't exist I need the proof of a nod, of another opinion to create a strong enough frame work on which to pose myself I am a manifestation fo a beautiful cliche i am that girl; poster child for the abusive relationship I let people walk all over me I beg to get hurt I beg to feel victimized Who i am is just a combination of art school and seventeen magazine I am shallow and fucked up and addicted to caring I live so much in this world, in the past and now because i'm too afraid of being wrong when i think about my future See the way i write, IIIIIIIIIIIII it's so selfish it's disgusting There are children starving in africa there is lady gaga starting a music revolution And there is me this little grain of sand who talks about her life like it's the center of the universe Reading books is like falling through the glass drugs and sex and pretty colors It's all just worlds i wish i could be part of, but i'm in a completely opposite dimension I don't know who i am because i'm nto a real person i'm only an actress who always seems to forget the right lines I have to care about homework and school because i can't live deliberately i forget that every action has a reaction; is completely my choice there is no mandatory it's all in my own hands until i let the influences take over Jump to me talking about prom and how i told chris how i feel Jump to him basically laughing in my face and catching my obsession Let's not talk about Dan calling me a bitch to my face Let's not talk about the kick ass sex in the back of his car without inhibitions, all "give it to me baby" and "make my toes curl" Lose lips sink ships but alchol sinks everything in one night, you can fuck up your world enough to flip it In one night, you can fuck up your world enough to make things right Chris says "I don't trust anyone, except for my drug dealing brother" Chris says "if i find some other girl who blows my mind, i'm going to leave you" I say "Thank you so much for being in my life" I say "I'm so sorry all this caring is so messy to see" Chris says "Your welcome" and to eric chris says "I wish someone would come take her off my hands" I do not know how i'm supposed to respond to this it's okay if you will never love me I already knew better than to expect that, babe I just wish you would have warned me before you let me get this obsessed I just wish you would have warn me before you let yourself inside I am a toy with bangles and no scars i crash when i don't sleep because i am only human After this i will do history homework After that i will go to bed it's so boring, so blaze darling You know you've hit rock bottom when even drag is a drag Every part of me is infected and dirty I need to escape from my story all these Is are so so meaningless