Eminem is my new fascination I looked up all the tracks and lyrics and history made my brain fill with useless facts of album dates and record companies internet exploration of pills, thrills and rhyming skills the strange escape of elaborate fantasy I wish i could write as fearlessly, songs that didn't make sense to anyone but me, words that came out sounding scary i think it's so funny how the break away becomes the main stream since we're all trying so hard to be different Music and artists inspire me more than anything else so i guess i'll keep digging i take cold hard facts and combine them with sound to somehow construct something worth writing about I felt my eyes flicker over the MTV videos of carnage and mannequins and i almost laughed out loud at how desensitized i've become to the obscenities It is so rare to shock me, make me really tilt, but relapse sent chills straight down my mind I want to believe in insanity and the never happens but i'm too much of a realist i see only distinct outlines, the sensible plans I'm too afraid i think that i couldn't come back to normal if i let myself stray that severely

I've been so down on myself lately because i don't know what I'm doing All this free time, it makes me crazy whenever i am alone, forced into close quarters with just myself, everything start piling up, pounding through my head I start to think, scratch too deep, about exestentialism and nihilism and life and death and sleeping pulls And then i come down to a choice i can't make about living for me where i'll feel so lost or living for them where i won't feel at all I am so scared of being ordianry or alienated but something's gotta give I eat and then i feel disgusting but i can't stop or throw up because that's such a turning point once you take the razor and hold it to your skin, you are officially that fucked up it's a threshhold that i dance on and i'm so constantly aware of how hard i am trying or how hard i am cryiung I don't know why i get so scared and hurt that i just come undone over the smallest nothing, to the point where even a minute seems to long to live through i disgust myself in the way that as i'm breaking,i think about who i could call and feel chris's name fade on my tongue because it's such a joke, such a fucking joke, that he would care enough to fix this i get so angry when i watch tv and see the beautifful words and happy endings and have to force myself to say outloud "No one will ever ever feel like that about you" just so i don't start to get my hopes up I only know how to project every need, every unflattering facet, and dump it on whoever is physically the closest what i feel for chris is repulsive, even to me, because i can see how artificial that attraction is below the surface I care for him only because i need to believe in someone, not because there is any proff there telling me i should I think it's crazy how you can never really know a person, how we can form words and convince people of feelings or a persona when really everyone is just a liar and a hypocrite I say so much about how i want to feel and see and breathe but there's also a more present part of me that just wants to be malicious and empty, to talk about tv and nothing Even if chris drives an hour to the beach,even if matt tells me he loves me, for all i know that might mean nothing at all what's inside, we keep it so hidden, everyone except for me who just bleeds insecurities since that's all i have left my hell would be conciousness in an empty room with only ice and air but no words or fake love, just the raw ache kind i'm breathing There would be no fire because burning is a way of emoting, feeling alive In the end, if i could have anything after this, i would have pure nada, nothingness,death i want to disappear from their minds, year by year until the few stories stop,so i just become some sort of impossible myth a name on the page, a flicker and fade, nothing like the sadness of a girl who knows she should be happy but just had to think too far

I never know how to start these right without sounding like a cliche I end up deleting all my beginnings because "This weekend was.." or "Today I..." just don't seem strong enough an intro when I feel i have something important to say It's funny how that happens because once I get going,the words come easily sometimes i don't even feel like I'm thinking as my fingers fly, thoughts just spill across the screen and then i ramble, like now, and forget why i'm even on here since I have so many other things i should probably be doing Chris drove down to my beach house to visit and i thought about how long it's been since last summer It kind of weirds me out that we've been close like this, off an on for almost a year I always used to think "I wonder if this will be our last time..." everytime we had sex, but now I feel more secure We've been sort of "back together" for like a month now and he still hasn't tried to put back the distance In some sick strange part of my head, I can picture him in my life for the next year too, but at the same time I'm scared to make any promises I know it's so fucked up that I want him to be my something to hold onto when i'm watching him falter, but i just keep on projecting When our skin is touching, i feel so safe, the way i did with matt, except it doesn;t feel as dangerous I trust chris because he lets his guard down and gives me enough room to twist his words and hurt him He trusts me because i sing in the rain and tell him when i'm scared he'll let me down I want so badly for this to have a happy ending, but i don't know yet what that would entail I don;t need a real relationship, i'm over the cliche I've given up on him quitting drugs just because he knows it will make me happy I think all i really need is an experience i won;'t forget, a few moments to play over in my head and smile about before i go to sleep If we can extend whatever it is we do for as long as possible, then i know i'll be laughing thank you for the music serenity

Today was my first day without having afternoon school and it was so nice to have that all alone freedom I went out to lunch with Ella, just for the first two hours, but after that I went home and mostly slept I searched on the internet, but apparently no one has figured out a way not to need sleep except for adderall of course but as that's not really a permanent option, i guess i'm resigned to wasting time unconscious I saw Matt at McDonalds and I felt almost nothing even though i told ella it made me uncomfortable, those were just words I felt obligated to form I think I've come so far in removing myself from everything I used to be, both with and without him in my life, i can't see from any former perspective As of now he is just any other person I'm no longer projecting all that overflowing emotion onto him, no longer expecting some sort of sick compensation it's just over, the same way sophmore or freshman year is I've grown up and my mind is too filled with the here and now not to let things go Chris made me talk about Matt the other day and for the first time around him I was speechless I didn't want to share that burden with him, make him think about my problems for even a second when he didn't really ask I think it's disgusting when people do that, just dump their lives in the unsuspecting hands of a simple how are you Those words in our society have lost all meaning because people ask to be polite It has nothing to do with actually caring about the answer Today i almost got into two different accidents because I am an awful driver I should try harderto pay attention to the road, but I;m so focused on the destination That's the cheesiest metaphore for life i've ever heard, but it's so true I know what I want in the end, but I'm so careless in getting there I make so many mistakes I feel sick from them, until all i can do is curl up under the covers because I just don't know how to be in certain moments Sometimes when i really start to loose it I give my self pep talks about staying sane It's so ironic I could cry, but i can't get myself to go away I smoked a cig with Linds in the parking lot this morning and i forgot to feel special Being with my friends makes me abandon these crazy thoughts about life and meaning which is probably why i like it when i'm alone, like this afternoon, i have to think I feel the need to become someone and not just waste my life in front of a tv screen i called chris to come save me, but he was already out He was supposed to text to wake me up, but he never did that's okay, i forgive him i have already accepted that no one will ever feel that way about me I am too much of a joke to be anyone's heroine Random prom kid is texting me and I'm laughing a little at the irony We are having some sort of conversation about the meaning of life that he thinks is deep and i think is words typed together too quickly i hate texting, because it's too easy you can say all the things meant to be tucked away and that sucks i don't want to know your innermost thoughts, your most convoluted meanings A year ago, i would have been fawning all over this kind of attention Now it's making me angry how the fuck did I get so freaking cynical? I tried to write another essay about chris but I couldn't finish it I think it's a sign telling me I'm in too deep We hung out all day last friday and talked about "us" i guess we have a thing again but i'm not sure what that means I like having sex with him, it makes me feel wanted Even if I am being used, at least that means I'm useful He makes me feel less fucked up too, because we talk like the world is falling to pieces It's nice to acknowledge that with someone I get really sick of pretending i'm fine i like admitting i write in here all the time because i need proof that i exist or that people in general severely disappoint me Chris told me he feels most like himself when he's high and i think on some level i can accept that if you hate where you are, then leave that's really all the drugs come down to, a safer sort of suicide because this way, if in ten twenty years I change my mind, i can always choose to come back

I just spent the past hour and half researching Lady Gaga and Candy Darling, filling my brain with everything on wikipedia there is for me to know i love getting lost like this, deep inside a subject that is impossibly far removed from me, and yet i find it even more fascinating than worrying about my own life Today in American Soundtrack class, we tried to coin a name for our millenium generation Just like the 80s was "me, me, me" and the 60s was "drugs peace and love", we have become the generation of obsession Because we can, we want to know everything And even though I'm not reading up about the Jo Bros or miss Miley, I'm still just as guilty as everyone else It's not cool to hate pop culture, so i roll with it Everything's all been done before, society is just a spin off with different lighting I am okay with that because it means that i have a road map of where everything is heading I think we need a musical uprising with hippie drugs and metal hair and online materialism all in one There is no way to undo or fix what we've started I want to get caught up over my head and be part of a movement That's why I do my research, so i can be prepared The only way to reach the masses is by dancing in front of our faces We're so used to the instant gratification of internet acess that we're bored in a matter of minutes I watched 3 hours of trash tv today because i couldn't make my life mnatter When I am alone, without constant companionship, i really realize all the many ways i wish i could change myself Yesterday, I talked to chris about college and he told me he can't go places alone I think that's so odd, mr. manifestation of all my insecurities, is helpless at something I'm starting to manage I don't know what i'll do once i stop writing because my head feels so detatched from the rain clouds that doesn't really make sense, but that's alright It still sounds pretty enough to convince people otherwise We had an AP exam in english and i think i aced it I took half of an adderall because it was there My world felt all soft and happy and full of potntial When I take the drug, i feel superhuman You don't need sleep, you don't get hungry, and everything matters I wish i could inject it, right into my faith, and have it stay in my bloodstream forever I get so scared that one of these days chris will just cut me off, "say alright, that's it, you're done" and i don't know what i'll do if that happens because i've lost my ability for shallow selfish suffering Last saturday I went to a lesbian party and it was so strange and beautiful We all went skinny dipping, those gay girls who don't shave and polished perfect me, and for once i felt so secure I think it's so funny how there can be girls like this, right in my immediate world, who have been taught so differently than me Where did they get that alarming confidence, those gorgeous smiles? For a second I felt jeaoulous they did not have to care, but then i realized i did not either though it is the natural one, this effort i put into looking special is a choice For the place I am at my life right now, I still think it is important, because it is important to me as well as everyone judging I like the makeup and bright colors, the stretchy braclets and bangs I'm trying not to think so much about being skinny because i have enough to work on without it Maybe when I get to college, i'll find the discipline I can't wait to leave this boring town, i hate knowing everyone in the grocery store Yesterday i had to drive Aaron home from the library I decided not to ask questions i didn't really care about the answers to so i avoided feeling awkward i'm not sure if he got off as lucky Most people can't really manipulate their feelings like i can I decided yesterday not to care about people so much anymore i talk about chris so much i fucking annoy myself it's getting old to think i can save him when he clearly doesn't want to be saved i think it's terribly ironic how in 20 years he probably won't even cross my mind Random prom kid, Phil, has a huge crush on me Despite my whole everyone with confidence is beautiful rant, i think it only applies at lesbian parties Even though i kind of wish i wasn't, being around my friends has made me shallow when it comes to appearences Whenver I hang out with Phil, I always think of my best friend J (who every guy finds gorgeous and can therefore choose to be ridiculously selective) wincing He keeps telling me how pretty i am (as in like every other text message) and while that's nice it's very sadly making me believe that i should be with someone more attractive grr that sounds disgusting If i read that in someone else's jounral, i would probably hate them on the spot. i think that's kind of my que to stop before i dig myself in deeper. -Serenity

I'm really worried about chris He went to nationals in ohio last week for gymnastics, something that was such a huge deal for him and he ended up dislocating his elbow and breaking his collar bone competeting I can't imagine chris without gymnastics As much as the drugs, even more than the drugs, gymnastics is who he is It's how I see him, how eric sees him, how i think he needs to see himself so that he can be worth something I called him up after I found out but he had to go do something He said he was in so much pain and i swear to god i felt it for him, deep in the pit of my insides, the place where tears start before they show I told him I was proud of him, in less words of course, and he just shrugged it off I said "i know how hard you worked, this really really sucks" and he said "ya" I hate how i would do anything to make him feel better I hate how this isn't about me, isn't about me at all, and yet i still feel so responsible He comes home today i think I want to see him more than anything I have this strange idea inside my head that if I can physically be there next to him, i will somehow be able to gage how close he is to okay I want to hug him,just comfort him the way he does to me, but the irony is that any embrace will literally cause him pain I'm so scared of what he'll do if this really is it for his gymnastics career, if he's too hurt to try again Even though his seasons over, even though he didn't get into college, I know he would have liked to quit on his own terms I remember how he told me about being a prodigy, how he hated gymnastics for years because it took over his life so he couldn't be a real person He chose drugs I think because with his brother it was such an easy and cliched escape I sat there and listened, not really fearing for him then, because that was just chris But now, I'm scared that without gymnastics he'll become a stranger to everyone, that he'll get caught up in the drugs the way he couldn't before when he still had something to lose I don't know what i'll do if that happens I don't think I could deal with being too weak to save him I want to call him again, but then he'll see how worried I am and shut me off I know he doesn't want pity or appologies but I don't know what else to give I care about him so deeply I'm making myself sick over this There is a rational voice in the back of my head that says whatever happens this is not your problem, but it feels like a lie It is my problem because it's affecting someone who has changed my life I've created too strong a connection to back away when I think there's a little chance I can maybe start to fix this

I have something to say but it's already slipping I get these great ideas, these revelations, that jump up from inside me, from that place i only go when I'm feeling extra unstable because otherwise i weigh too much to walk the water I've been thinking about the way i tell everyone everything that happens to me I have no barrrier of secret information My friends all hide between half lies and inside jokes I open up down the middle and gush the liquid outside I know it means nothing to say i do it just because Every behavior has a reason, no matter how much it hurts to spell it out I spill because ti adds another layer A protective coating on my polished shine If you already know the truth, you can't use it against me I am a champion at laughing at myself These nails don't dig so sharp anymore If you already see them coming minutes away I prepare to be judged and i prepare to accept if I'm not okay how can anyone else be?

I am so awake, my brain so focused This adderall in my bloodstream is better than magic I just wrote a great gatsby english paper without hating it The hours just tick away faster and faster I think it's insane that i'll be getting ready for school in just two more I will have officially gone a whole night without sleeping I don't know why i'm on here because I have nothing to say I don't want to write about nothing, be like everyone else No one cares about my stupid teenage diary I don't even fucking care about my stupid teeenage diary I only care about lyrics to songs sex, drugs, the devolving of society Lady Gaga is super trippy I saw her concert tonight and it was fantastic Like holly shit, that girl can sing I want to believe in mind erasers and robots I keep having this sensation of being dettatched from my fingers I look down at the key board, see them typing away and then feel absolutely nothing Oh well go figure maybe it's a side effect of too many crazy ideas or maybe it's only the drugs Lindsey and i are bffs again i guess she is trouble and i like it a year ago, i couldn't deal with being in the spotlight high school was my whole world and i couldn't see the closing time But now, i know how to feel seemless I can stand in the sunshine and pretend i am beautiful I want my name on their lips, I want his sins on my skin i'd rather be a caught up in other people's drama than have to sit here and vomit out my own chris's birthday was today and i missed him only a little that's a lie, but it's alright it should have been the truth sometimes i feel so far from happy i wonder if you're hurting badly too The things i think freak me out i want to be a writer I want to be a dancer, a poet, a maypole of colors I want to be loved and i want to be hurt but you can never have it all i wish my friend s was here idk why i thought that stream of conciousness, voices inside my head I'm really not sure i believe in love for me I'm really not sure i believe in life for me wait i take it back, all back, down in my throat to my core so i can incinerate it in my fire i don't know what i'm talking about I think i should stop bye