I think it's so strange the way the things that once mattered to me the most:my writing, my music, my safety can fall to the wayside when i replace anything meaningful with reality tv and speeding on the highway For the time being, I have given up on purpose it is simply easaier to just be me I am loud, opinionated; scared smart and different I am proud of that, mostly, but at some times i kind of hate me It's a sad little truth that humans are hypocritical by nature No matter how much I detest the shallow, there will always be a part of me that just wants to fit in I want to be divine and beautiful and skinny, but I want to be seventeen more It's so strange to let yourself go, just say "do what makes you happy" when you've been holding back for so long In less philsiphical news, i'm officiall going to prom with chris He isn't backing out on me which really means alot i know it's soooooooo cliche to expect anything to come out of prom but I just have a good feeling I hate to admit it, but i really do care about chris alot Even though he can be a jerk, sometimes that's exactly whati need for mtoivation He's such a part of my battle with fear and gymnastics that i really owe it to him that i haven't given up yet Ithink on some subconscous level i'm kind of in awe of his ability because it's fearlessness and determination like i could never begin to imagine for myself In some way, I want to save him i want to be his motivation to turn his life around it bothers me so much when he tells me that failing college doesn't matter when I know him well enough to see that it does He forgets how much he's told me, i think That's the problem with giving your life away You never know just how deeply it will cut the people you have involved

They never tell you how hard it is to write about the things that affect you the most I always do this I start these projects that i think I can handle and then I cut to close to the core and have to throw it all away I thought it would be easier if i wrote in second person but it isn't The word you is just a veil it's only so i can feel less alone from creating someone else to share an experience I started writing an essay about gymnastics and chris but i'm not sure if I'm physically capable of finishing it Technically, I'm doing ti for an art school assignment, so i kind of don't have a choice I think if i do it in little pieces, if i can walk away whenever it starts to get to me I can make myself spit it all out Here's what I have so far, tell me what you think -serenity You stand on the edge of the balance beam; arms raised high above your head. You tell yourself, “I can do this” but your muscles know that you are lying. You sigh, drop your arms, and jump down to the floor. You are not brave enough, not strong enough, to fly up in the air. On the way to the water fountain, you start to realize how little your failure bothers you. Strangely, you feel kind of apathetic. You remember the days, when you were younger and more hopeful, that you would cry in the bathroom whenever the Fear got you. You stood in the stall for however long it took to convince yourself that you knew what you were doing. Then you would go back in the gym, do the damn backflip, and force yourself through the process a million times over until all the Fear was gone. It did not matter that the coaches only said “well finally” or “took you long enough” when they watched your skill. You still felt that rush, that beautiful lightness, of overwhelming success. Now, though, even the thought of crying seems ridiculous. You are 17, just one more year until you go off to college. Even though you have worked so hard your whole life, gymnastics for you is coming to an end. Now that you have acknowledged this, there is a little voice inside your head that says “So what? It doesn’t matter” every time you back down. As you walk by the bars, you stop to watch the boy you have let hurt you repeatedly doing his routine on the rings. You smile when he is lifted by his team mate, his body dangling ridiculously miles over the floor. When he starts moving though, any illusion of his smallness disappears. You marvel at his power, the way gravity seems to break at his will. You study the well toned muscle, the tanned skin shimmering with heat and sweat. You feel the jealousy creep inside you, for his ease and talent, but also for the fact that he will never fully be yours. The boy finishes his routine and shakes his head at you condescendingly when he catches you watching. He only does the head shaking because he knows it unsettles you, so it has become sort of an inside joke over the course of the year you have really known him. You have never told him that it reminds you of your ex-boyfriend, who shook his head the exact same way whenever he called you “a horrible person”. The boy walks across the blue carpet towards you, purposely bumping into your shoulder. You say something stupid like “hey!” or “what was that for?” because the response is so visceral. He stops and turns around, looks slightly up into your eyes, and laughs not unkindly at the strange expression on your face. “Chill out, I’m just kidding around. Stop being such a baby and get back on the beam,” The insults should not sting anymore, as you are called either a baby or lazy or a little girl on almost a daily basis, but coming from him they still do. You want so badly to sit him down and explain to him why for you it is different. Unlike this boy, you do not possess the natural talent that makes gymnastics like breathing. For you, every twist is a struggle, every flip a huge sacrifice. You are so tired of giving so much and getting so little back. You are not lazy, just logical. You are letting the Fear win and giving up on the sport before it gives up on you.

Pretty good night I'm glad I got out it's finally starting to get nice in CT I actually got to hang out with chris It's been a while since the last time we hooked up I guess he got bored with his life or his hand or whatever But he randomly decided he wants me again and honestly, even though I know it's way not fair to myself That i deserve much better than a guy who's always playing hot and cold I have no real reason to say no It's not like i have anyone else to fool around with Not like I don't want him just as bad as before I have realized that "chemistry" is just a matter of hormones If you get lonely enough, anyone can become the best thing that ever happened We went back to his house alone after the "Parents who care too much about their children's gymnastics careers and don't invite anyone else to their exclusive events" (except for me when I'm with chris) club cookout He wanted to have sex (of course) but i wouldn't let him I told him it was becacuse i didn't want him to stop talking to me again, since that's what always happens after Just like with matt, i know the dance instead of being accused and appologizing profusely, I just put out and then let him walk away different routine but i worked out these steps I think i've got it all under control from here The thing about chris, though, is i'm atleast completely myself around him I don;t play those bullshit "now this is what you're supposed to do..." games I tell him straight up that i really like him and i'm well aware it's not reciprocated I tell him when I start to think crazy things and i get scared my rationale doesn't make sense He doesn't judge me, which is something i really respect I give alot of credit to people who can just sit back and listen He kind of asked me to my own prom which is weird I already told colin i'd go with him but i really would love to bring chris My parents are totally against the whole idea, even though I'm not quite sure why I think it's because they wish i'd pick guys who treat me better Too bad I'm not doing a whole lot of picking these days I kind of just take what i can get Oh well, atleast I've got it for now Let's see how long i can hold on this ride

wow it's been such a long time since i've written I feel like i should appologize, but i don't really know who to To all the nonexistent adoring fans who constantly read my journal? To my friends for not publishing our exciting adventures? To me, for skipping out on something that's important because it actually takes effort? Eh it doesn't really matter I guess Even as i write these words, I can;t get myself to feel all that sorry Anywho, this week is art school vacation so i only have three hour school days translation: hours and hours of fillable time Today I went over to starbucks after school with my friend Robin I drove her illegally, which was exciting I'm so weird sometimes I have no idea why breaking laws that don;t even deserve to be laws in the first place gets me so hyped up It's probably just the idea of getting away with something even if it is pretty dumb My parents would still have a cow if they knew I almost got the car taken away because i forgot to text to say i hadn't died on my way to school Like really? Isn't no news the same thing as good news? I had to cry and beg for like half an hour to get it back i think it was more that my dad didn't really want to drive me than him actually giving in whatever, works for me i got to go on my little adventure he got to stay home plastering a wall I wrote TEXT on my hand really big in permanent marker so i won't forget anymore I think someday I'm going to get that tattoed permanantly just so I can have a good laugh Really, i'm not even kidding That would be so great to have a garenteed smile atleast once a day I've realized that I'm fairly unhappy with the way i look it's not that i'm fat or ugly or anything awful it's just that the way I dress, the way i wear my hair I really kind of look the same as everybody else I have already accepted that i will never be beautiful my noise is too big, my legs are too short It's just not anything that can be fixed I believe I am pretty, but that's nothing special Alot of girls are pretty that's why i fit in so perfectly well I used to think this was a good thing because it is a safe thing There is a strength in those kind of numbers No one will reject you, turn you away, if you become the vast majority But I think now, at this point in my life, i'm ready to be made fun of Sitting in the room, swallowing the words, it just gets so terribly boring I don't want to become another cliche i like bright colors and hair dye, sarcasm and poetry I don't want to wear the abercrombie button downs, i don't want to play nice For the first time in my life I actually know who the real me is and even though I know I'll be broken down, I think those are ramifications worth taking

Yay I'm going to florida with S tomorow! I just finished packing everything I'm sleeping over her house tonight and then leaving really early in the morning we already decided there's no point in sleeping I have three adderalls in my bag and 2 energy shots I think that should keep us stable for a while I can't wait to be in florida again i love the place so much it's like 89 degrees there right now i need that kind of sunshine feeding my smile college still seems so far off, but it's becoming real a year and a quarter is not that long time flies by if you just let it go i think i will, i think i will "all of your roads, paved in gold, by guardian angels"-Blessid Union may you always have enough peace and love