Omg dude such a weird fucking night i hung out with linds for the first time in forever it was kind of strange we both pretended we were fine, just like old times and then everything felt okay I don't know, maybe we've been friends too long to be awkward under all that insanity, i still love her i probably should have realized that sooner We went to a pg rated party at this kid blake's house with everyone it was fun, i guess no lamer than i was expecting Robin was there which made me really happy We went outside witha few other people and smoked cigs For my first time, i actually didn't cough that much I really like the way it makes you feel it's just like this rush of being hardcore, this light headed stand point I didn't care what they all said when we came back in i felt completely okay with any odds stacked against me you keep your statistics and diseases i still don't believe in lasting consequences All in all, I'm glad i went i still have this bitch and a half history project to write, but i'll get it done with the drugs it's so funny how in one week i can have such a turn around right now, i just feel so ready to experience i still have the same apathy, but i also have hope i'm officially entering the next phase of my life, the one that goes on after high school drugs become escape sex becomes love music becomes faith these are all the feelings i need to survive and i'm perfectly fine with the cheapest versions available i can't wait to look the part with brave piercings and tattoos i want rainbow colors in my hair, makeup covering my eyelids Stick skinny legs and bracelet covered arms sleepless thoughts and hunger pangs to me, being that fucked up and broken now that is truly beautiful

Last night was such a letdown S and I went to the boys gymnastics meet, even though they didn't want me there, because we were supposed to get drunk after and that made the three hours of boys in leos worth it it didn't happen Tyler was dumb and backed out on us I hate stupid people how hard is it to fucking plan? chris was going out to his own party he doesn't have time for me and S he actually told me I was still young, so it was totally for the best that we had nowhere to go but home excuse me? when chris was seventeen he was going into crack houses talk about unfair I hate how he's protective of me only when it's convenient Like if you;re gonna care then care, but don't half ass it Don;t refuse to let me smoke but let me act dumb when i'm drunk Don't help me with my giants and then just never call it's making me lose trust in everyone whydoicarewhydoicare? We snorted two ambien pills in my room we're such amatuers its ridiculous i want to go pro with this shit I want to know the name of every single pill it was the soundest sleep i've ever had i really hope that's what dying is like no dreams no hurt just nothing But anyway, S went home and i spent today trying to force myself do history and just getting out of bed i don't know why i'm so depressed i really have nothing to complain about

Right now I'm starting to feel the pills sink into my bloodstream a rush to the head, a mind altering swirl adderall safe at last, at last I have math to do and a history skit to write i have so much time to fix things if i can keep my eyes open i feel too invincible to let it slip away in the shower with water i felt so afraid here on dry land i'm almost back to okay no one cares if i am happy and i don't know what happy is I'm not sure if i should bother sleeping is it okay to be a zombie? will anybody stop me? Nothing matters, I am small I can leave my bubble anytime i want suicide is not really quitting this right here, this leaving for a while? now that is really quitting because i still get to keep the secret of leaving warm flesh behind It is completely ridiculous how many great writers have killed themselves Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolfe, Anne Sexton they weren't meant for this world, too gifted in a way when you master the words, everything can sound pretty poetry of a grave, a cut, the rocks in a pocket when you have the talent, you begin to understand nothing is ever as plain as it seems

I really think that the human condition is the most depressing thing in the entire fucking world right now i feel so strongly so awake, aware, so feeling it's all there on the surface, that drive and desire i can see the meaning, for a second believe that my life is worth more than a million hours gazing at a tv screen but even so, deep down i do realize that come tomorow, come even an hour i won't feel like this anymore no matter how many times i repeat inside my head that these thoughts are who i am, that it's so good to be unnumbed i'll still wake up feeling empty i wish i could somehow hang onto these moments take that sad scene i clung to and replay it again i do understand how small and uninfluential i am but that's what scares me more than anything i am too little to hold onto the hurt to anchor it on the shore so i can see it, graze it make it my everything so instead, i adapt and fold i become part of the mass and machine i go to school, i interact stupid small talk, careless laughter but the irony is, i don't hate all of it there are times, where when i lose myself i forget i'm even in pain that i don't fit this mold that it's only a game i truly feel happy just simple human happy and it's so crazy because i can reach this other end of the spectrum too when i write, or when i do these drugs when i'm alone i feel so extroidinary like lightening and glass where i think to myself: from now on things will never be the same and even though i am so wrong every time in all of those moments i really try to mean that i realize because of this hypocrisy is inevitable i am caught up in the middle of a road and an extreme sometimes it's so much easier to be emotionless to just sit in front of whatever they put before you and just fucking take it, live in the moment go to sleep instead of escaping but at night, this part of me that fights comes out where i want to write, where i want to dream different when the motivation comes out of hiding i know this is the me i am proud of but she always disappears in the morning light i can't hold onto her, she's too elusive that slippery balm of human condition is raining down her shoulders

yesterday i had to interview my grandfather about his life so i could write my history project Willingly, he gave me all that he remembered his older sister had died as a toddler and could not be burried in a nice jewish cemetery because his parents had broken custom with an autopsy so that they could save someone else's child His voice shook as he relayed the story and for a moment i was confused because he had never met the girl so i could not see the root of his suffering but then i understood it must have been all around him the discrimination, the fresh loss growing up in such a way i can't begin to fathom as some strange sort of replacement child His brother went to war and came home with skin disease a wound in the flesh, a fake bullet hole for a clever ticket My grandpa did not have to fight because he broke his back falling off a box of marshmellows he laughed when he said this and it made me so happy that he could still remember in his wavering mind such a tiny humorous detail He cried when he talked about his mother immediately i felt my throat begin to close as i watched his heart break in mourning for a women i once met but couldn't remember He did not let me spare the pain of skipping over my grandma he did not talk about her, not really, but i knew she was there it still amazes me that it is even possible to build your life around someone, have them there for over fifty solid years he loved her so much, and in a strange way it makes me feel more okay that she died kind of young because at least she had gotten something out of life most people are scared to even dream about I loved listening to him talk, all the little annecdotes i never knew about who he was those many many years before i was even alive it hurt so much to write this down, but i want to remember i am terrified of my grandpa dying, so scared of the empty hole in my life he will make beside my grandmother I wish i had been able to sit down with her like this too, make her tell me all the ups and downs of a story It makes me sad that i love her so much still, yet I have only little scraps to remember her by Everynight i will pray for my grandpa, pray for enough more years so that he can meet my own children, see my sister and me all grown up if i could have anything in the world,that really is all i would take see now, this girl, this crying mess with the bleeding heart you see through this screen? I'm really proud of her tonight

the world looks different when you're fighting agaisnt sleep i can just turn myself off, shut down from any human interaction i turn on my ipod loud loud loud to create that little bubble of safety I climb through the drama, push aside cadavers i have no shame at all when i delve into remembering There are the people i have hurt and regret Lindsey. Matt it's such a lost cause, because it's not what it seems there comes a point where there's nothing to say and all that's left to grow around is what everyone else thinks it is it will never be enough but i am a master at pretending

Today i spent the whole day on drugs and it was the best i've felt in such a long time i woke up feeling determined i swallowed down half an adderall and exercised for an hour the sweat dripping down my arms, the calories burning away so that when i looked i could still see my rib cage in the mirror my body is muscle, all solid and strong i do not like it, but it is fine for now this is just high school, just fake life it is not worth the sacrifices i have to make to be supper stick skinny when no one but me will even notice I worked on homework for hour after hour maybe three, maybe 10 i stopped looking at the clock after the first minute because there simply was no need I went over to Robin's and snorted half a vikodin i sung last straw inside my head and pretended i was fine the dollar, the credit card, the cd case so authentic, but so amusing we are only in high school with high hopes of college we use our drugs to study for SATs but all the same, i still felt a little like i was living on the edge I am not tired right now, even though it's midnight I feel energized and made of fabric blowing freely in the computer gleam I have an essay to write tomorow, but it's okay i can just wake up at five i'm really not afraid even though everyone says i'll get in over my head, i think drugs are a safety i'll admit, adderall is a chicken shit way out everyone feels unmotivated and tired it takes someone stronger than me to push through the foam walls instead ofjust swallowing a magical pill but right now, at this point in my life,I don't care I like feeling okay and this is the easiest way to do it I'm sure someday i'll get it on my own but for now i'll take all the help i can get it's a crazy kind of happy but i'm too burnt out for anything better

I just finished rewriting the lyrics to one headlight by the wallflowers I love the way writing lyrics makes me feel i am so awake now, so full of energy and motivation Maybe i'll even do my history homework maybe i'll even leave my adderall be Today was rather usual i got a cavity filled i worked really hard at being brave and not flinching I do not like the way novacaine mouth tastes I do not like needles jabbing into my gum But i also do not like being yelled at, so i went along with it anyway Today my friend natalie told me dan has a crush on H or vice versa or some other circulating rumor of that nature all through math i had to keep reminding myself to stay calm if H snags him (which she is pretty apt to do, honestly) I will not blow up and get mad I will simply swallow it all down and pretend it tastes sweet I can walk around with a pretty face on, even if I'm black and blue Already I am mentally preparing myself for the worst If she asks me if it's okay, though, i will be politely honest I will explain that by getting with him, she is essentially condoning what he did to me and as my best friend, i want her on my side agreeing that it is never ever okay to tell a girl you really like her and then all of a sudden decide to stop trying even if said girl is unloveable Maybe I can even pretend it is H getting hurt i care about, even though that horrible bitch part of me is indifferent after all, my most lucid moment during our little 3some with chris is forcing H on top of him, thinking how it fucking served her right to lose her virginity being a whore but even spelling it out sober, i still don't feel the guilt she deserved it so we're even end of story but if she does take dan, even if i don't get mad i think then i will know for sure we have drifted too far to ever get back the friendship

The last drop and I taste it Oh hush, yes I've heard your bit Just Drive away with your friends now I'll be fine, I'll get home somehow And here is not the place For you to tell me That I am something more If that's the case Why can't I see it? I'm not who you're looking for Babe, i'm tired Don't interfere with my stupid antics Darling I'm drunk it's not romantic Don't tell me stop, it's so pedantic You're honing in on my biggest flaws now I won't change, my ship will sink down You're honing in on my biggest flaws now Don't tell me stop, it's all I know how The last drop and I taste it I'm peacing out just for a bit It's like a dream and I'm feeling fine Why the hell is your hand on mine? The last drop of a good night You won't let go, I forget to fight You lead me out to your car now See, I told you i'd get home somehow And here is not the place For you to tell me That I am something more If that's the case Why can't I see it? I'm not who you're looking for Babe, i'm tired Don't interfere with my stupid antics Darling I'm drunk it's not romantic Don't tell me stop, it's so pedantic You're honing in on my biggest flaws now I won't change, my ship will sink down You're honing in on my biggest flaws now Don't tell me stop, it's all I know how I got lost tonight I'll admit, I should quit But this habbit seems like all I have To make it through when times are bad It's crazy that you care I'd let you in but i'm too scared Expectations set too high Disappoint me every time Babe, i'm tired Don't interfere with my stupid antics Darling I'm drunk it's not romantic Don't tell me stop, it's so pedantic You're honing in on my biggest flaws now I won't change, my ship will sink down You're honing in on my biggest flaws now Don't tell me stop, it's all I know how

I'm in one of those strange moods where i'm not quite sure what i need to be doing On the most basic level, my brain is telling me to sleep it is almost midnight so i should be tired i think i want to be awake just to see what will happen if i let myself breathe free from all the contact I know i'm supposed to be scared of the dark, but strangely enough i can't remember why Something about monsters i guess that hide in my head and keep me till dawn people are like planets, you need a thick skin i am stealing quotes left and right tonight i wish i was harper from angels in america i wish i had valium and talking dreams but all i have is a history test i didn't study for and prayers being wasted on a snowday I can't wait until i get out of this town i can't wait until i am finally free I think I'm going to florida with S in april I'm so excited, so jittery scared I feel like something monumental is going to happen with the two of us in that state together it will be strange not to have to miss her because she will be right there with me, to remind me i'm not crazy i love her so much i love how she is so insane with the same fucked up faith it is the only relationship in my life that i will ever trust anyone else is not worth the risk I hope she knows that i really hope she knows "at night I've got no where to hide"- Andrew McMahon