my heart feels so dry like plain paper napkins so i walk out the door, distance me from your feeling and i pretend i am safe and unharmed even though that little peiece of me that dared to hope i could be fine has certainly burned bright away I should know not to trust i should know not to feel but i can't because i keep getting hurt and i need a future to believe in I took out my notebook and swallowed down lyrics because it would keep me from screaming my own I wrote I AM UNLOVEABLE in all caps on the page just so the next time i find a place to fit I'll remember it really is too good to be true

All this time is breaking me down I need more sleep, but i need more feeling sometimes when i sleep, i don't even dream and that scares me can people just become shallow? I wish i had a warning I'm so afraid of ending up alone For a second today i believed I was unloveable it doens't matter that i'm smart, doesn't matter that I'm pretty it never seems to be enough i made myself listen to stay or leave and think about matt There are so many things i've done that I want to take back i wish i could have said the right thing or known the best feeling when i get angry, i mean really really angry, its all i can get through i don't know how to get out of the corners of this room i'm boxed in so tight and i can't find the windowsill Dan is being distant i don't care, but i do I can't figure out how to stop this caring, it consumes me it's like a fire, burning inside no no no, that's not deep, it's just nonsense I string words together and pretend they make sense just to see if your following along i would still care if matt died in fact, i know i would cry at the very front of his funeral and feel as though i had that right even though everything between us is now only ashes I keep seeing him in the hall and it unsettles me he graduates next year i wonder if i'll honestly miss him love is sucha futile word i don't know why we even try to map a concept that is ineffable i hate when girls i barely know say "love ya" at the end of phone calls it makes my stomach churn around and i just can't make myself say meaningless words back i always start to wish i had more frinds and then i remember that i hate people i should probably work on that oh well, one more bullet to add to the list of all my imperfections

yes my computer is mostly fixed which means i get rhapsody again which means unlimited music which means happiness :) yay! Anywho, today was pretty basic i was really tired this morning so i let myself go back to sleep as it turns out, i didn't need either of the homeworks i didn't do score one for the procrastinator i did however, need my plagarized history questions that class is such i joke i've realized if i just put a notebook in front of me and glance at the board every now and then while writing poetry it appears i am paying attention i actually got congratulated for my focus today gee thanks overzealous history teacher that meant so much grr it's only monday 4 more days until the weekend i think i'm hanging out with robin and e sat hopefully, J can give me her vikodin by then which reminds me; i need more adderall from chris sats are in like two weeks i haven't even cracked open my study guide oh well, i'll be fine i'm naturally smart like that Dan is supposed to be coming home from cancun tomorow i can't wait to see him on wed so i can figure out what the deal is i texted him today and he didn't respond he probably just didn't get it i strongly dislike unecesary suspense atleast i'm at the point where just knowing will be a relief, either way um i can;t really think of anything else my life hasn't been very exciting i guess shocking

yay yay yay i won my meet! it was only against me, but still it was the best of i've ever had so that definitely counts chris was there so he saw the whole thing he congratulated me like ten times it made me so happy to see that someone else noticed just hpw hard i've been trying i think i might like him again the whore 4 wants to party it up so i guess that's not really a problem i'm going to take j's advice and not put all my eggs in one basket that way i can brush myself off and be just fine if anyone tries to leave me stranded i haven't talked to dan much this vacation all of a sudden he just kind of stopped texting at first i was scarred but then i stopped worrying if he moves on, no big deal i'll hold my head high and keep on walking i refuse to beg for what i deserve for some strange reason my head really hurts everytime i sneezee, it just kind of throbs i think i need an advil or an adderall or a vikodin J got her wisdom teeth out so she has plenty yay, go drugs and sex and bands and stripper poles why am i still in high school? ah time flies wayyy too slowly i need to be out of this house i still have homework to do i hate my history teacher actually, i hate all my teachers except english i guess he's pretty cool but yea i should probably get on that and stop wasting time writing about nothing while everyone else is going to bed night serenity

one night, one chance it's all about the making mistakes, they don't last it will all disappear when the morning shines bright we're all clinging, holding onto someone i don't love him, don't like him, but its just fine i'll convince me i'm worth it for a cheap night one night stand those other connections? they never matter everything in this wiorld is so superficial i'm not pleased with anything, so lets fuck it up don't you dare wake me up because this isn't a dream this is my life,insane as it feels and it's my own choice to shred it to pieces i'll sucker punch walls because i'm always swinging i fight because it makes me feel powerful and power is a remedy for loniless i want to meet someone who can convince me that each day is more than a hurddle i have to suffer over i came to do so much, but i left feeling defeated these black eyes and tear drops are so not my style but i can't figure out how to close off my eye-lids

they rearranged the computer desks while we were gone it's such a tiny thing, it really shouldn'tmatter there should be no attatchment, no nostalgia but still i find myself wedged in a corner, longing for the feel of my old keyboard i missed coming on here while i was on vacation i always forget how much i need writing how when i have to hold all my thoughts inside my fingers start to shake and the fever starts to break from all the chaos and confusion it's okay i'm good now though i'll keep it alltogether i swear i'm running on a reality tv high my pulse seems nearly stable it was strange, but while i was in florida, i found i really missed my friends it felt alright though because it showed how much i cared which is good, of course it means i really let myself hang on to somebody i can't really imagine us all parting for college and never talking again we're too..scarred similar we couldn't just let go i love J so much and H and S and E all of them, all of me i can't imagine it any otherway i've been thinking on forgiveness lately i'm kind of over anger i realized i don't hate lindsey anymore i'm not sure what do about that i wish i could make up with only the part of her that chats about boys and eats raw cookiedough or holds my hand during scary movies but i don't think i'm ready to go back to the friendship we had before with the endless tears and empty threats because that girl still scares me it bothers me that we were years so close and now we don't speak life'sstrange like that i guess we're all just moving in different directions i am still proud of myself for trying to be the bigger person i listened to this raw copy of into the airwaves today and all thoselyrics, the echoing voice it snaked right down my spine i felt moved, shaken, connected i want to meet andrew macmahon so bad i just have so much to say and for some reason i believe he would actually here it

today has been one of the best days i've had in the longest time in my smile, there's alittle tilt if you look closely, maybe you can see it Because for once i'm telling the truth about actually being happy my confidence is spilling over when i look in mirrors i actually feel content right now,i feel lucky it's in my hair in my eyelids in my finger nails that luck, that good day vibe it's everywhere, all over me encompassing, safe, like a blanket it's warm, so warm and i believe in it too that's important i think all that believing has gotten me so far I brought home two medals from my meet yesterday they're nice and shiny, with pretty ribbons i hung them up in my bedroom so i can wake up and see i am a vault and floor champion I have a boy who really likes me it happened so fast, but it feels real i can see myself fucking him, but i can see beyond that too there's a connection i can;t quite grasp something in between physical and my mind i want him in a free sort of way, because i don't expect to get let down i feel safe having expectations i can take disappointment, i'm good with abuse there's is nothing to fear but fear itself in case you couldn't tell i am flying on aderall I love this awakeness, the feeling i care about everything i do i go back and fix my mistakes it's exceleent, it';s intoxicating everyone should try some tomorow i might hang out with my friend robin who has crazy colored hair and vikodin pills i'm excited i want blue and purple streaks i don't even want to be plain or recognizable ever again i want to be as jumbled up and colorful as i feel right now because it's the closest to happy i can remember

ah i need to party it's been too long since i've had a buzz in my system, music blasting through my ears i'm listening to 3OH!3, which is probably why i'm thinking like this i love scene music, all these songs that make the unaccepatable okay so i don't feel crazy, just special in that fucked up kind of sense today was actually pretty quality i feel so much more in control of my life all of a sudden i think it has something to do with confidence i've become so much less afraid of being let down i've gotten so much better at accepting today at gymnastics i actually let myself suceed i did my full and no one got hurt somehow i was able to chase away the fear far enough to focus on the desire chris was really nice to me too, which was weird it's crazy but i feel like i can listen to him longer now that i don't really want him i think it's because i took his advice and stopped worrying about him his stories make me laugh instead of cringe i'm not really resentful of the way he doesn't care anymore that's just who he is but yea, he kissed me goodbye on the cheek and wished me good luck for my meet tomorow strangely, it made me really want to do well i;m not that nervous anymore i guess i think i can do it if i reallu try

so far today has been a pretty good day i went to school and then came home i woke up early to finish my history homework i hung out with dan in open which made me happy i think he really likes me this is good news i felt very distracted in class today i had white houses and the first poemi ever wrote in here stuck in my head i was just rereading some of my older entries a minute ago i feel like a different person being 16 seems like forever ago i really need to get my life in order being on a scedule makes me resentful, but otherwise i get nothing done i know i should be writing more, but i just have no initative why bother when it's so much easier to watch tv? I'm sick of being the only one caring i think i might quit gymnastics i've lost any love i once had for the sport its hurting me more than helping me now everytime i go, i wish the hours would spin faster the fray has a new cd that came out yesterday i haven't really listened to it but it seems pretty good the song you found me is really amazing i know what its like to wonder how anyone watching over could let us get so hurt i think i'm going to go shower now i feel kind of gross in my skin

wow long time no journal i guess this is going to be a long entry because i have quite the update: I kind of have a boyfriend now i say this not for the omfg no way no way effect, just more as a clarification i need to remind me, to document the epicness, of having a nice decent guy actually want to be with me so basically, it's kind of awesome we're not actually technically exclusive yet, but it feels like it he walks me to class and kisses me goodbye we text like every waking second possible yea...he's pretty much a shoo-in for the cliche high school relationship i'm looking for lol today dan (yes that's right my crush from before) walked right past matt when we were holding hands it was weird, but i kind of felt nothing i mean, i expected to have this great vengence moment like ha! take that! but no matt just felt like any other random nameless person i'm not sure if that means i'm completely over everything that happened or if i've honestly managed to convince my brain that my matt and hallway matt are unrelated i know i think about him less and less, but from time to time i feel like it's good to remember the weird thing is now that i'm with dan, i really do believe it was my past experiences with matt and chris that allowed me to believe i deserve to be loved people keep telling me how they could never do what i did with dan and just straight up tell someone they liked them too much fear of rejection, i guess but for me, i learned the hard way that you never get what you want if you don't go after it it sounds corny, but it's so fucking true guys don't pick up on hints you have to just sit down with them and be like, listen: this is how i feel so this is what i want from you it's not fair to expect anyone to be a mind reader maybe he could have said no, but i had a good feeling trusting your instincts is key the human mind is fucking powerful if you know how to use it but the thing is, if i hadn'tmessed up so bad with chris and matt, iprobably wouldn't have figured that out and i think that's part of the reason i have so much hope for the way things could work out with dan this time, i feel ready i'm so much less vulnerable because i know what i deserve i'm so sick of letting people judge me and telling me i'm not good enough because really, as long as i can truly say deep down inside that for the most part i am okay with me, then i don't see the problem if i break it down, people are just as annonymous as any other species i have accepted that my life is unimportant it sounds kind of depressing, but there's this huge upside that no one ever really looks it because the good part of being that uninfluential is that no matter how bad you fuck up, your mistakes are completely impermanent i kind of had an opiffany this morning if i look at my life individual, i can see all these building blocks that piece it together for instance, my life can basically be broken down into school, home, friends, gymnastics, etc and then even within all these assets come subdivisions for school, i have grades, reputation, attitude for gymnastics, i have effort, relationships, determination the lists can just go on and on getting more specific forver but seriously: if your life, your entire existence is unimportant? then all those facets, everything that makes you you? they're like fucking paper clips to the rest fo the world i guess what i'm trying to say is that you have to live life completely for yourself in the end, making everyone else happy just makes you miserable it's taken me a while, but i think i've really been able to embrace that i can now watch tv without feeling guilty i can make an executive descision that i care more about music than grades once you have priorities in order, the rest is easy it's just getting there, the breaking away well, that part is some hard ass shit best of luck, serenity