I should probably be cramming stupid chem material into my brain, but i just can't do it not that i can't do it ever, just not right now i can keep it waiting until when i get home and open my box so i don't have to feel the resentment dripping off me melting down my skin i want adderall forever i feel so safe and sane and focused but dependency scares me even more than just being so i guess i have to hope the urge will pass Chris is being a dick again whatever, i dont care it doesn't really matter not to him, atleast so why should it to me? I think i might get with dan he's cute, even though he's not really my type not that i have a type well, other than guys who treat me like shit lol not that that's funny really, i just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad but anyway, he's nice and i need someone to care about who isn't chris or matt sigh midterms should end now i dislike them strongly even if they are a good excuse to do drugs i get to watch rock of love bus when i get home apparently the girl i liked made out with the drummer figures i should have known she was a closet ho people make me angry my mother, for one my sister fat people bratty children liberals chris stupid bitches judgemental people god, the list goes on and on i'm a horrible person, just like matt said but i don't feel horrible because i'm not acting on that anger it's just there, like being smart or good at golf i'm not using it to define me i really should work on my poem book more often i have a main character now i don't know how she turns out i'm writing the poems all out of order i take song titles and write about what it makes me think of and then i guess whenever i'm done i'll rearrange them to make sense or not i could just leave it crazy but anyway, i think i'm done i'm in the school library with no one i should go be sociable with e maybe i'll come back tonight when i'm too in tune to sleep

omfg aderall is the coolest shit in the entire world i feel like i just woke up from a full night of sleep except even better, because i don't just want to crawl back into bed everything is fucking fascinating even math i did the whole packet straight through i'm going to go over it again soon, just to make sure i know it all if i get a good grade my mom takes me shopping it's a bribery this time, no threats i think i'm just supposed to assume i never get to go to gymnastics again if i fail but whatever, it's fine, because i won't this stuff lasts for 8 hours and it's only 1 in the morning i have plently of time to do it before i remember school and forced learning make me miserable the best part is that i still have another half in my box and ten more in my gym bag i'm sharing those with the w4 of course we're all living the same double life lie good students during the week, skanky drunk girls on weekends i love how chris gave me a good deal because i'm fucking him well good, i deserve it atleast now i know i'm getting something tangible out of this I think that sick scared part of me wishes i could feel like this all the time this sleepless concentration, it's almost emotionless not once when i was studying did i think "wow this is such a waste of time" because right now, it feels important everything does the music, my journal, my fucking water bottle it all matters somehow and there's also the fact that such an escape is entirely plausible i mean, aderall is a perscription you can get it completely legally if you fake ADD i know i could pull it off but now, it just doesn't seem right to push that much feeling away that's why chris sells his instead of taking a daily dossage they make you turn into a zombie but maybe someday, if i start hurting again the way i sometimes do and my life's half over with no light in view then it's always an option thought i'd put it out there

There's a little pill in a decorated card board box on my bedroom dresser waiting for me to take it and stay up all night and study for midterms Chris gave it to me on sunday or rather, i stole it off the floor it's only addderall, but still it's a turning point, a line to cross i'm kind of scared i'm too self conscious to get there Today at gymnastics was rough I hate the way i let fear control me I feel it underneath my skin, ingrained in every bone warning me in that little voice don't push too hard because you just might suceed and we wouldn't want that to happen now would we? I think i need the attention that comes with being scared it's a position of victimhood, really because basically,most people just give up after a while since they have no idea how fucking crazy it is inside your head and when they walk away, you can just say fuck you, i don't need this even if you do chris helped me out again today for some reason, it just makes me so greatful to sort of half have him I think he knows how much i sometimes need one person in the entire world who isn't me to care just so i can push past my limits sunday with him got a little crazy i got drunk off the rum and vodka he bought us i fucked him in j's workout room after she and bmuff cleared out H kind of "accompanied" us um awkward? but whatever, it was fine i bit chris so hard it left wild animal bruises seeing them at the gym makes me feel strangely in control i think the whole experience made us closer, which is good i need closeness otherwise i start to drift away into my elsewhere and it takes so many days of waking up early and crying to sleep to force myself back in

It's late agian, all dark and freezing out it's less than negative 1 degrees, i think that's what it said when i last looked on the dash board too cold for breathing smokeless too cold to feel alive He was on my mind all day today and i absolutely hate it caring about people who might not care back sucks it makes me feel weak and stupid, like every betraying thought is just another mistake i'm making i tried to rewrite lyrics today, but i kept getting stuck i get stuck at everything lately my life has turned into this giant map of cross roads and choices lots and lots of choices well,driving scares the living shit out of me i would cut off my arm to spend an hour with andrew mcmahon i am glorifying chris to give me someone to think sbout all these sick sad little truths that make me me remind me just how vulnerable and downright pathetic i sometimes feel There's a concert in a sketchy hall tomorow i'm excited because i get to go i remember how last year at bedlight, there was all that energy buzzing and inside my head it was calm and safe and sane just like when i'm drunk, except better because i didn't need liquid help to get there i want it to be like that tomorow i want it to be like that every day for the rest of my life

So good news! I already have fun plans for the weekend! yay! i convinced chris to be my dealer and get shit for my friends and i to get fucked up out of our minds we're going to J's because her parents don't really care and it means my parents don't have to know perfect today at lunch we all had a nice little chat about drugs and whatnot my friends are all so fucked up apparently E was shooting up heroine in holland while J spent freshman year in a cocaine and alcohol coma wow it's so weird when you find things out about people you love that make you feel kind of scared for them they're both fine now, but still it's strange knowing how easy it is to pretend to be completely sane when you're actually just about the opposite at the same time, though, i kind of wish i could have been there with them i need that kind of experience to differentiate me, to remind myself that i am fucking special i feel so normal and boring sometimes and i absolutely despise it i want to feel unpredictable, have a double life to think about those times i just don't want to be anywhere at all it should freak me out that if someone were to offer me acid or ecstasy i'd take it, but it doesn't so far, my life has proven that if i believe i'll coem out on top,then i actually will it takes alot to fuck up your life beyond repair I mean, look at E and J if i didn't know, i never would have even begun to guess I've been thinking about sunday all day, because just the thought of drugs makes my pulse start to race it seems so fun, so easy, all those glorious mistakes to make I'm sure i'll fuck chris, but honestly, i'd do that sober i'm sure i'll say something stupid, get out of control, but atleast i'll have an excuse it's not my fault, i was fucked up, i can say if i do anything wrong in real life, you don't get that there's no good excuses and everyone remembers if you can;t rememember, then nothing happened i want that feeling so bad i could explode and god fucking damnit,it's about time i got to experiement

I think for once I'm actually going to be honest and speak my mind about all the things i'm terrified to say i live here in this little ignorant world under all these images and pretensions i project myself as a whore or a ditz because that's waht they're expecting and i lost my ability to feel ashamed somewhere along the way i have so many things that are really important to me it's crazy how when i let myself get ahead i can really see myself being sort of okay I understand i will alwasy hurt like this, the kind that brings me to tears hiding behind my doorway all alone in the dark it's a part of who i am, a part of belieivng in something i have a no proof of, a part of wanting more than what they're handing out but it's a cross i will gladly bear if it means i can be me, and i mean really be me,the girl who writes poetry and watches reality tv instead of doing homework it is so necesary for me to spend the majority of my waking hours unfeeling as I'm surrounded with everyone else who doesn't need my tears from now on,i cry only here, as i type, in front of the screen onto which i can breath without fear of suffocating i want changes, but i need a plan because wishing and dreaming are just not enough i need action, i need to fight for where i hope to go Because i really think i can have a shot at beautiful 1. writing-i need to have it. Even when i'm talking inside my head, i always think about how my words would look twisted on paper. Writing is the closest thing i have to happy right now, so i'm going to hang onto it tightly. i'm in the middle of a book of song poems about love and lust and the whole party scene. I want to finsih once i have 365 poems; one for every day of the year. MY RESOLUTION: write one a day about whatever song is stuck in my head and add another entry. Let myself become involved in a stroy, let myself take the risk that i'll fail or run out of time. That way, when there's somewhere i just can't be, i'll have a place to go. 2. Music- blasting, beating, rhythym, lyrics. These songs just make me feel so safe and less alone. Andrew Mcmahon,you are my hero. I love when it just clicks and the whole wporld m,akes more since because of a line i never really noticed before. I appreciate all that these bands and these singers have done for me; in fact music has probably been my biggest saving grace. MY RESOLUTION: memorize/rewrite at least one song every day. If I can do just that little bit, then it will be enough 3. Reading-I love books because they are ideas. I can get lost and escape inside my mind so that no one can find me. From now on I PROMISE to read atleast one chapter a night and really, truly, think about it 4. Sleeping- 4 and a half hours a night is all i really need. when i'm exhausted and feel like i'm going to collapse, i cna take 20 minute naps. and on that note, i'm ready for bed goodnight

I think sometimes i just need somebody to remind me that i still have so much more life after high school we get so caught up in the here and now i let my sweet and lows drag me down to tears even though they're so short lived and immpermanant i just kind of forget to keep breathing sometimes when i'm in the car, i get so scared i hate driving one false move, one mistake bam, your done it doesn't make sense, i know i do backflips on balance beams i drink so i can't feel and i'm scared of a fucking car? my grandpa died like that you know as in one little crash they hooked him up to machines for a while, but he died instantly i think i cried, but i don't really remember i was only eight years old my other grandpa i don't remember is dying now it's so hard not to cry every time they make me visit him he forgets my name and tells my dad i'll hate him for it i wouldn't though, i couldn't so my dad laughs when he says that because we have to laugh to keep from hurting bad even though it's not really enough my mom acused me of being detatched tonight i told her i was fine she doesn't understand how much i need to be detatched and alone just so i can get through the day sometimes i worry about how depressed i get i wish i could feel less, or at least not show it i've been neglecting my writing too i've been neglecting everything i want to promise to stop, want to promise to fix it, but that's just a big lie i am inevitable flawed and fucked up no matter how many stars i wish on to change that

I'm exhausted and i feel sick to my stomach I have a math test tomorow i absolutely need to ace if i don't i'm totally fucked my head is freaking spinning from all this homework my god, i hate school it's not even funny how much i wish my parents would just fuck off and let me go to crappy college with max partying and minimum learning it's not like I'm going to use a degree anyway ahhhhh! well rock of love 3 is premiering tonight so i'm going to go catch that soon sorry for the retardness of this entry, it's probably the lack of sleep best-serenity

hey everybody wow it's been forever since i've written on here i actually just got home from florida yesterday back to ct cold and snow and sucky real life realities like homework..ew but anyway, for now i can;t really complain it's almost 2 in the morning and i'm the only one awake i've decided that 4.5 hours of sleep is more than enough nightly i take 20 minute naps to keep from collapsing i find it crazy how i really can drift into some form of unconciousness and dream that quickly last night for new years i went to H's house we all stayed completely sober and sat in the hot tub until our hair froze it was good i guess i don't know, no less than i was expecting i wish i could have had a crazy adventure, but no worries just a year and a half until i'm out of here on my own we looked at colleges when i was in florida University of miami, baby, now that's what i'm talking about basically, it's all about the party scene kids with a lot of potential being their own worst enemies i couldn't find a better fit unfortuantely, it's for very smart people i have to get my grades wayy up, which means effort not sure if it's worth it yet hopefully i figure it all out like i always do So random love life update:chris visited me in florida shocking, non? turns out he was staying at a place like 5 minutes away um freaky twist of fate much? i'm actually really glad he came i think our talk might have actually left an impression for some reason, i just get really honest around him maybe it's because that's the way he is; overly open about everything but i really don't think i left a single thing out that i'd been wanting to say it feels so good when you let it all out like that when you just kind of throw everything you've got into the wind with a take it or leave it attitude there's no secrets left to break you you're just there, without the pent up anger for once, i actually was proud of me for trusting in eveything else Don't get me wrong, it's not like we're the perfect happy couple now he still confuses the hell out of me with his whole girlfriend who i never call business but i'm kind of starting to accept the fact that it's never going to be more than a semblance of a relationship and strangely, i'm kind of okay with that Tomorow seems like it's going to be a good day i have tila tequila's book to read i have a cd from s to upload i have a smile somewhere out there and friends i can trust so yea, i think i'm doing just fine my new years resolution is going to be reminding myself how lucky i am every time i start to get down even on those freezing mornings, where i just can't make myself lift up the covers even when i'm feeling crushed by homework and pretensions and things i just have to force my way through i will stop and say, "you know what, you really have absolutely nothing to bitch about" i read these depressing books about girls in afghanastan who have never seen the outside world without a barqa and it makes me feel like screaming it seems so terribly unfair sometimes, the way the other side of the world can go on existing without us really watching if i could fix it i swear i would in a heartbeat tikkun olam, reapairing the world now wouldn;t that be something