ahh what a day. I hate school. Like so much. I can not even begin to describe what a waste of my life it is. If I didn't get to see my friends there I swear I would just like peace out. Legally, at 16 I can do that. I think that's kind of ironic, considering my mom treats me like I'm 12. In actuality I have the power to ruin my entire future. Crazy Anyway, i've recently discovered how amazing paramore is. Like omg I

I stayed home from school today. haven't done that in a awhile. But i just sort of needed a nice day of R and R. Plus I had this evil science project i didn't do due today. Guess now I'll have to do it tonight, but oh well. it was totally worth it. I started writing a new story. Got three whole pages done! It's called a different kind of courage. A paradox, because courage is something that should be straight forward. But in reality it isn't. Like in my opinion, suicide is courage. Foolish courage, maybe, but still. Guts is really what it comes down to. Crossing the point of no return...that's determination. When it comes down to it, I don't think i ever could do it. Take my life, I mean.I put too much stake in expectations and consequences. I couldn't be that selfish. But anyway, that's what my new story's about. I found a cool survey thing in advaricewillkill's journal so I'm going to take it. I know these are mad boring to read and it's such a waste of latest journal link lol, but atleast I wrote some other (somewhat) insightful stuff first. So here goes! Song #1: My heart-paramore Your favorite lyric from this song: I love the album title: all we know is falling. Does that count? Does this song have any bad memories attached? nah i just learned it a few weeks ago after someone told ppl to download it in their journal :) What genre is this? pop/punk ish Song #2: slipped away-avril lavigne What's the last line of this song? I miss you Have you ever seen this artist live? No, I've never been to a concert :( Who does this song make you think of? well apparently it's about the death of her grandpa, but it reminds me more of the end of a relationship with my bf and the way he kind of just disappears on me... Number 3: About Us-Brooke Hogan What's the first line of this song? Boys talkin dimes on the sidlines...lol Where did you first hear this song? i probably downloaded it by mistake so on my ipod How about the first time you heard the artist? well i'm sure i heard her talk on t.v. sometime or something but i didn't know she sang till i heard this song Song #4: just like a pill-pink Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? my bffl cuz she and her bf hav the most fucked up relationship ever so it's all like i love him, but tomorrow i'll hate him. I think she;s addicted Write down the chorus: I can't stay on you life support, there's a shortage in the switch I can't stay on your morphine, cuz it's making me itch trying to call the nirse again, but she's being a little bitch I think ill get out of here where I can run just as best i can.... Why do you like this song? Because it's all about the way people can be addicted to a bad a relationship. I think the pill is a clever metaphore Song #5: Wall to wall-chris brown What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? some stupid gangster flick Who introduced you to this artist? mainstream radio station Best part of this song: ummmmm none of it. unless ur dancing like in a club. otherwise it's kind of lame...I'm not a huge rap fan lol Song #6: Into the airwaves-Jack's mannequin The fourth line reads: "i deconstruct my thoughts at this piano How long is this song? 4:03 Is it one of your favourites? yes! i love jack's mannequin they're amazing Song #7: Scotty doesn't know-lustra How long have you been listening to this artist? ummm a little less than a year What's the cover look like on the album this came from? no idea What's this song about? a guy who's fucking this girl fionna behind her boyfriend's back...sooooo funny! Has your favourite song come up? nah, but def some good ones!

k, so I've finally done it. I have a list. 51 things i need to do before i die. i got it down on paper, handwritten all nice and officially. It seems sort of like a prop in a story, the very first line. "The year I was 16 I made my list. And over the course of my lifetime i found those 51 ridiculous little monumental goals to be all that's defined me". Something like that. But anyway, I'm psyched. I feel different. Older kind of. The way you should on birthdays but never actually do. It's a nice feeling. I feel like I'm just walking on air above all the shit I don't have to deal with down below. I'm flying so hard there's no room to care. Apparently, that's my big problem. I don't care enough. Why? I asked her. Is it because I just let things break me, run me over, and then hop back up for more? Is it because I can love from a distance, control what matters, what will haunt me for the rest of my life? My friend, she worries me. She has the opposite problem. She cares too much. And that, my friends, is how you get your heart ripped to shreds. I had a realizationg today. I was in the car, on the way home from the meet, listening to music and evaluating my life. I'm lucky. In comparison to the rest of the world, I'm like the fucking winner of the billion dollar lottery. Seriously. I have great friends. My family has money. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I will get a good education. My parents...they try. I am loved. I'm not saying this to brag;I don't mean my life's perfect. But it's pretty fucking decent. True perfection has to be imperfect anyway. So maybe it's good that somedays I have no idea how I'll make it, how sometimes I just wish I would disappear. Strange as it sounds, it makes me feel almost normal. it feels so honest not to make myself the victim for a change. And as for this whole journal thing, I kind of like writing like this. It's sure as hell nothing I'd try to publish, but it seems like something bored people would read. Not just glance over. Because it's poignagnt I guess. It hits close enought to home. I think I'm starting to grow up. Who knew I could learn to be someone I'm truly proud of?

when I start to feel dizzy from misunderstanding when pain feels so inevitable it's creeping up behind i simply distance this way i can't feel the regrets, the hurt, the after shock this way when he says it's over, without saying a word i will not be suprised if you don't get too close, you have more control you can keep a closer eye on all the pices, allow none to shatter and though i may falter as the music stops though my flesh begins to crawl i know that in the end i won't be the one to fall

Sometimes I worry theres no heaven that when I die I'll be forever gone frozen at 16 or 103 like a still frame image, embodied by pain will they remember me, or am i just worthless a slip of a girl left out too long to dry my color's have faded, my heart feels so jaded oh god oh god I'm not ready to die I feel like this life is just a series of nothing little tests, completed time and again and though at times I may smile, don't let my face fool you For it's only in shadows that I break and rend i'm trying so hard but it's still not enough i feel lost, and heavy, not sure what to do i have it all, but somehow I'm still lacking theres nothing to fight for, and I'm losing you

I try so hard to shut it out as i feel my heart slowly rend. I will not do this, i refuse to be just like them, devastated by love. I thought I was stronger, that for me it would be different. But really, i guess it's no less than what i deserve. If I act ordinary, can i really expect circumstance to respond any differently?

I think today I'm going to try something new. I usually write in poetry, in metaphores twisting the words into a thousand different angles. This way, by losing the starting point, no one can even begin to emphasize. People read dismissively because they can't understand. I wonder if anyone knows that I do it on purpose. But maybe it's about time i started letting people in. It's a risk to take, but I don't really have anything to lose. Every day is the same. I got to school, do nothing, then come home and do more nothing. I feel like I'm just wasting the days. I want to die with no regrets, but I have made so many mistakes.Sometimes I feel like it would take a whole other lifetime to ammend them all. I'm hurting, but I'm okay. Bent but not broken. I can be repaired. And the thing is, I know what i need to do to make this right. But somehow I think that's what gets to me the most. I can see myself perfectly in 15 years. But I can't even begin to imagine myself for tomorrow. I know exactly who I want to be. It's just someone so extrodinarily different from who I actually am. Every day I say it will be different. But the words have become such a familiarity they have lost all meaning. I almost forget to feel disappointed when I got o sleep and awaken to realize I'm still not there. But hey, this is new. I'm trying. This is proof. Here I am baring my soul for the world to see. Hey god, are you watching? I just read the most amazing journal today. headbangforjesus. It was a girl I think whose sole purpose for being on songmeanings was to spread the word of god. She wanted to bring faith to the emo scene of undiscovered music. I must say I was rather taken aback. I caould not even imagine being so sure of anything at all. Let alone somethign intangible. I really admire that girl. Faith is so hard to come by these days. Thanks for still believing :)

do we do it on purpose? or is it a mistake the way the tempers collide with all the force of a shooting star but the fire is all for naught we destroy bridges every chance we get there is no reward, but there is so much pain the kind that blindsides you three moths later when you've almost forgotten the moment itself almost, but not quite you can sew it up but you still see the tear and then tomorrow night maybe everything will be fine we will laugh perhaps, not speak of grief recover a bit, bury the resentments but even invisible, they are still harmful like a gun hidden beneath the waistband no one sure but the owner when the shot will explode but we are all waiting or i am atleast it could be i suppose, that the rest just don't notice they're too busy turning their mole hills to mountains and though i try to observe something pricks at that tender place on my spine and i have to defend im too good at fighting to let the blood flow seemlessly but somehow, it is only i who come away unscathed though i am equally at fault they are all screaming while i am as silent and stoic as a vigil i feel nothing they say i don't care, but they're wrong i do i just don't let it show and that my friends, that is the key