i don't understand how they can wake up every morning and get throught the day when they look in the mirror what do they see? do they like themselves,or are they trying to change? but even though I of all people understand such secrets I think atleast some semblance of kindness should leek out every so often but no, ofcourse not they continue with the names, the drama the gossip, the cheating all lies, but it doesn't matter on the surface they seem happy we have friends say their smiles we get good grades but really, is that cause for happiness? when it's all just superficial because I see their insecurities the jealousy the pettiness but like 10 year olds, they know no better so can we even blame them really? once your in, it's over your head I would know, I've been there but i came away, almost unscathed why can;t any of they? tomorrow I'm sure nothing will change these girls, they are too set in their ways the losing battle will be fought through to the end but they still haven't learned; they can not hurt me for i am an expert in torture devices i used to be one of them don't they remember? a million years ago, but still I can recall I'm stronger than their secrets

maybe the only reason we've gripped so tightly all these years has nothing to do with the fear of change maybe it lies more beneath the broken surface of all the shit we've been through and how amazing it is that we could still be friends i have jumped off mountains for her and have been greeted by the unforgiving hard ground at the bottom but somehow, we put that aside i brushed off the hurt as though they were scratches put away like childhood memories;only to be reminiced on rare offhand occastion and she, in all her glory she extrqavangates her falls the most innocent of problems turn to mosters before our eyes the scars? they're still there she only pretends they are invisible but i see right through her i know, even if i can;t understand ive seen someone broken so we cling more tightly as the toxins enter my system and she won't even say sorry because she just can't take the blame she's much too vulnerable to bare such a weight

im making changes left and right up and down everything swirled all around im balanced so precariously my feet dangle over many edges so unmindful of the barriers but at the same time im 100000 feet under this grave ive dug so deep it reminds me of underground rivers, the scars beneath the surface crisscrossing like tributaries all hidden beneath the skin I do not wear my pain across my eyes the way some more vulnerable carry it instead i prefer to keep my secrets close to the heart for warmth and comfort wrapped away safely from those who prey on such innocences but somehow, he is clever the way he navigates me effortlessly and i fall serenely open to him risking just by sharing the truth at its most dangerous he could destroy me i trust him not to but still knowing he has the weapns is means for caution he won't let me in because he fears for my sanity i maybe weak but i am so very strong I am a mosiac of contradictions

I'm just dreaming of a someday I'm just riding on by I'm just searching for that freeway to lead me to the rest of my life top ten things to do before I die list: 1.thru hike the appalacian trails 2.publish a novel 3.learn how not to hate people 4.sky diving 5.stay awake for 24 consecutive hours 6.fall asleep in someone's arms 7.share my notebook 8.appoligize for everything 9.fix it for my kids 10.die completely content, with no regrets

sometimes it seems too unreal theres cyclones swirling dreams unfurling intensity too intense and it lifts me off my feet so im hovering midway fall or fly dream or die which path to choose? both are flawed, for pain is almost inevitable those little shards of transparent glass trapped under the skin but i have learned to carry such seemingly unremarkable wounds with a pride and dignity, far more becoming than my 16 years

New Years Day oh what to say? I should be happy it's a new start and I sure could use a fresh clean slate but at the same time I can't help but feel in a nagging sense, at the back of my neck am i just wasting my time? I mean, did I accomplish anything this year I'm truely proud of? or would I give it all up if given the chance? Is it worth it, even, questioning an imposibility? or is impossible only what you make it? it would have been her birthday, but she is long dead and gone no one says it outloud I wonder if I am the only one who even has the strength to remember it seems giving up on people is the easy way out but I'd rather die broken than in ignorant bliss i know he too cries all alone on this night I hope he wishes on the first star 1500 miles away do it for me do it for both of us this year i will... this time's different because... I have so many questions and so few answers please just this once let that work in my favor I resolve to be broken just to back down let the cruel words just flow around me you can't penatrate my skin Hold on to the lyrics hold on to them dear because in the end it's all I've got here