We waste all afternoon on the phone about nothing sometimes i feel like we are just talking in circles repeating a five minute convo over the course of 50 i think its because we're both so reluctant to return to reality this drama is stupid i dont care what they think or at least im trying so hard not to reread my poem today the one about him its pretty good actually considering the circumstances why is anger the same thing as strength? i should have sent it tho i was so scared he'd never talk to me again and now thats exactly what we're doing oh the irony is killing me im tempted to talk to him just straight up be like "where do i stand?" a one time thing, thats all i could get over him if i was given that chance unfortunately I'm too afraid of rejection and he's never been much for words it would probably just be the usual ratio my 4 sentences to his one word and all i said would just be wrong I think i'll wait till im ready until i trust mysekf enough to speak my peace and just get out not stick around to drown in the maybes and could have beens fortune faded figures i think its about drugs its a stupid favorite song, right? then y the fuck is it making me so nostalgic? im not normally like this i usually just get over it like boom over done but this time im trapped i dont know what i want that makes it so difficult to find something to hope for.

Sometimes I wonder.... maybe i'm only filling my brain with so many lyrics so that there's no room left for anything else whenever I'm falling I just sing a song in my head so that I cna go back to pretending everything's gonna be okay its kind of pathetic I realize to think that I can convince other people I'm fine when I can't even convince myself email me about the story...krazytumbler@hotmail.com

it shoudlnt matter its no big deal just two words the same as from a thousand other strangers but from him its different im not sure why maybe im just reading too deeply between the lines it could be nothing at all but in spite of everything i don't want it to be its absolutely crazy its like no matter how many times he hurts me ill still come crawling back for my own good i should probably hate him but like most humans i never seem to realize the truths i cant face up to

2 more hrs until the new day when I will be sweet 16 for some reason I feel trembing like something amazing or horrible awaits my fate I don't know what it is what this new birthday will bring will this be the year I finally get it right? I want it to be, so badly I need a new start but then again, don't we all? I have made resolutions its time for a change I won't wear make-up or straigten my hair I'm so sick of conforming to their definition of beauty maybe this will help to keep the boys away the ones who want me only for the "goods" I have to offer I do not want to be her again I'm not saying no love if the right guy comes along... but this time will be different because now I'm not half so nieve I guess innocence is also shattered along with the hearts But by being myself if he approaches me as I am I will know for sure but maybe true love is too much to ask

I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do sometimes I just get so caught up in acting like them i forget im still me the girl who can write and feel the chills down her spine in front of a mirror making promises for the night to keep maybe next year if I go to that school for people like me who bleed in words it will be easier I'll be just a stranger tho sometimes no expections weigh more than the world

almost finished with my poem book thats a first most of the time i just let mysel trail... off.... to nowhere.... but for once I actually comitted. It's a little bit scary, actually I'm officially an author sometimes when I'm down and searching for inspirational quotes inside my head, i come up with something of my own kind of terrifying Me? I wrote THAT? crazy but then again, most things are that's why we usually try not to get in over our heads.

Last time tonight, its done for good. I feel so empty just like I should. I don't want to hate me, but sometimes thats hard, when I feel like I'm not the one in charge. Acting on impulse it gets out of hand, I'm doing for reasons I can't understand. I'm not just a body, there's someone inside. I do have my dignity, my shattered pride. But somehow it gets lost in playing pretend, you follow along with a messed up best friend. She needs this for her to make things right, i follow alongbecause I'm scared to fight. His palms are all sweaty, the night is so cold. I obey silently the commands I'm not told. This is society, it's what teenagers do, make mistakes get fucked up and keep pushing through. She just needs attention, a one night stand, while I need affection, someone holding my hand. I don't want to pass him without even a glance, pretend we'd never been given that chance. Like that night never happened, like we'd never let show, like that moment's a stranger, because we both just let go.