To someone who was once Everything to me: I still wish things had not gone badly between us. I wish we were still friends. I wish I knew then what I know now. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t understand what I was doing then I didn’t see the point you had, Just lashed out feeling attacked. Afterward it hurt, it tore me up inside To have things conflicted between us It was hard to say I was wrong And even now it’s all I can think of When I hear Bert’s Hard to Say. Swallow my pride, I miss you And I would forgive you still If only you would forgive me too. Some would say it’s not worth it, But I hate to see that all our time together Was nothing but a waste. I should have bit off my fingers Rather than write those words to you: They were riddled with my ignorance And I couldn’t see the good thing before me. I was so far gone then I couldn’t tell wrong from right And leaving you made me fall further Away from all stability To realms of restless searching. I found him, then, of course, But those were dark times for me. I guess it only makes sense That the times I hate to remember Follow immediately after What I know was the best time of my life. You kept that line drawn for me, What was acceptable and what was too far. If only I had listened to you, I would have seen what I was becoming And I would have seen that I was wrong. If only you had been more patient with me… But I guess that’s a lot to ask for. I know I’m hard to handle sometimes And you tried the best way you knew how To tell me I was losing it. I’m not the same since you’ve been gone, I want you to know Your words haunt me even today: You had me pinned dead-on And I cringe to think of myself then. Oh, I wish we had never gone to the lake-house Wish I had taken my resolution more seriously. That, I think, ruined us more than anything. My behavior was inexcusable. I wish I could undo it But I did it enough It’s my fault I drove us apart. Years have gone by now And I still feel it. Its hard to say what I feel— Regret, I guess, for everything gone wrong, For the plague in me, and I’ve cried. I wrote you a note to apologize, But I don’t expect you to answer… So long as you know I miss you and I was wrong.

i love you stephan, but please, stop running around the countryside talking about politics when i need you to finish your album so much more? i'm voting, your "job" is done.

i thought this was done and over. just shoot me, i want to die. or get high or durnk. i'd rather do anything than let this spoil our relationship. you never think that a person who's dead can do more ruin to your relationship than when they were alive. except now. she's dead so now she's immortal. shoot me; maybe he'll miss me as much as her then.

sometimes i wish i were an addict again so i could feed this restlessness inside me. then i wouldn't have to deal with reality. i know how to fix my life... i just choose not to. i'm scared i may never have enough faith. if you knew how i really was, would you still love me like this? i'm fear when we're married you will want to read all the old poetry and journals i've written. i hold on to all my hurt and depression because somehow it makes me feel important. i'm worried that happiness is a plateau that can never be topped, and that it grows old after a while. i like teasing the boys while looking like i don't know i am. i never like to give too much information on myself because then people will a) categorize me, b) be able to predict me, c) think i am boring or shallow, or d) act like they know me. i think reading someone's poetry i know is kinda creepy. that's why i don't tell anyone i write poetry. i like stalking my boyfriend sometimes. i am obsessed with him and want to know every little thing about his history. sometimes i worry that MIB is true. i'm scared that one day i will run out of thoughts and cease to exist.

in hell. is that where i'm going right now? i dont know who i am or what i should be anymore. i like reading random journals on this site. i like seeing other people's lives so i can establish some sense of normalcy. am i even close to normal? only my man can save me, but will he be enough forever....

you know you are becoming evil when you start to scorn goodness in people. i think i am becoming evil...

my most recent writing attempt is as follows: Since the day we met I was content To sit and just be with you; I lived for the excitement of Loving you, and being loved by you. Now separated for far too long, I desperately ache for the day When you and I shall be one name: Fully loving you, and being loved by you. I don't have any big dreams, No world-changing aspirations All I want in this world is simple: To love you, and be loved by you. Looking into your caring eyes, Smiling and seeing you smile in return, Resting safe in one another's arms— Oh, loving you, and being loved by you! People may say I'm a simpleton, Or wasting my life where there's more; But I know what makes me happiest: To love you, and be loved by you. Even when this lovers' time is past And life is our activities day-to-day, Raising kids and taking care of our home Is loving you, and being loved by you. And being grandparents, old and wrinkled, I will hold your hand and cook for you And sit and watch the world go by, Content to love you, and be loved by you. This may sound like a boring life to some But I see what matters most: Not worldly aspirations of riches and glory— But loving you, and being loved by you.

i'm just so depressed it hurts...

Its a good year for a murder She's praying to Jesus, she's pulling the trigger There's no tears, cause he's not here She washes her hands, and she fixes the dinner But soon they'll be coming, to rush her away No one's so sure if her crime had a reason Reasons like seasons They constantly change And the seasons of last year Like reasons have floated away Away with this spilt milk Away with this dirty dish water, away Seventeen years, and all that he gave was a daughter "It's me and the moon," she says I got no trouble with that But i am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die "It's me and the moon," she says And it's over, but just started The blood stained the carpet Her heart like a crystal She's lucid and departed A life left behind, she can find in her mind gone away Away with these nightmares Away with suburbia Shakedown away You marry a role and You give up your soul til you break down "It's me and the moon," she says I got no trouble with that, But I am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die "It's me and the moon," she says But what do you say we go for a ride? What do you say we get high? But I'm so tired of days that feel like the night "It's me and the moon," she says And I got no trouble with that, But I am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die I am a butterfly, I am a butterfly, I am a butterfly --something corporate RIP. may you find the peace in death you didn't have in life.

Reaching for a hand that isn’t all there What else can I do but let go? I’m falling on my own words For the echo they leave in my head And the arguments that ring in my ears Reflect faults the both of us have suffered And the kind words become so rare… Why should I talk if I will not be heard? For after so many times of denial Of loneliness, of nothing to lean on Despair closes around my neck And strangles my heart of all hope I’m reaching and reaching for you But you won’t be reached for.