Maybe I like misery in a masochistic kind of way. Every so often when someone tries to reach out to me I seem to instinctively refuse it and withdraw into my dark place where I smile inside my head. Maybe I like drowning in my sorrow. Maybe suffering is an acquired taste, one that can be appreciated in gluttonous gulps. I've known it for so long that its become a very close friend.

Don't argue with those who love to. They'd go on forever if they could even if it doesn't make sense. You can't convince them they just keep justifying themselves in their own heads that they're right so let it go. Just laugh it off and watch them and there kind chase there tails into eternity.

Tyrannical totalitarianist devious egotistical shallow fucks. You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that put on a costume in public but at home they terrorize the household with bitterness, scolding, and lashes, everyones fate is in its mood. You bitch about your creator not being there for you, while you leave us abandoned in your own way. You'll get yours old man.

This cant be. No not after all this. I just finished it a second ago it can't be. Why is it that everytime I get out I'm immediately pulled back in? Is it God, Satan, or my mind that is doing this to me? Something is bothering me...Can she really still be alive? Is this a beacon? No it just can't be. What I think, say or like she also does the same and writes down this happens all the time, too much of a coincidence. An omen, a sign? Maybe I'm finally losing it, please be insane instead of going through this ride again. Na its just a thought, just my mind, its all in my head. I don't want to bite back and swallow my own words. God please lead me.

I finally have come to the realization and truth of my longing. She died a long time ago with everything good and best in me along with my hopes, dreams, fantasies, and part of me I wish I could take back...5 years ago? No it seems longer then that...centuries ago. All this time I've just been wanting something that has gone and past and I can never have back, a state of denial. The one that now stands before me is just a shell of who she really was, I just thought that maybe in my last desperate attempt I could coax out her former self or find a fragment of the whole that I could cherish and keep hold of and maybe some day restore it if I nurtured it enough, but it doesn't work like that...once it is complete they cant change back no more then butterflies can go back to being a caterpillar, even if they wanted to. Life was her catalyst to change I just wish I could've been there when it was happening to stop her or change with her. When I saw her again for the first time in so many years I knew something was different I just didn't know what, now I know it was something deeper than features, she was now a complete stranger and so was I to her, all this time it wasn't her rescinding her promises but it was the stranger, the real her would never do something that wicked. All this time I thought I was crazy and stalker-obsessive but turns out all I was really doing was looking for the truth. So its time for me to stop being angry and bitter at the shell and leave it alone because their is nothing it can do about it, I'm asking the impossible, years before I believed you could always go back to the past and to how things were but now I know the truth you can't...you just can't no matter how bad you want it and no matter how desperate you are. I also have to let go of this reverie and save myself and move on to something different, because now I realize that she isn't waiting for me as how I had thought, so I've been stalling for no reason but not in vain though because I have learned much from this long depressive exhausting life-sucking experience, she is gone, sometimes bad things happen I don't know if their is or isn't a reason but they just do and now the worst has happened to me. I lost part of me. I will always love who she was in the end and I always have, I can still see her sweet smile and remember the time when she lovingly offered me her hand out of the blue when the first one I saw the most in let me fall, that day I realized she was the only one for me she was mine and I was hers, once I think about it she was always helping me or saving me in some way or another I wish I could've repaid her even just once. Just knowing if she was still around that we would be together, makes my heart lighter. Now that I've come to realize, this is surely the last time I will speak of her, just like someone deceased she is no longer among us but is in my most loved and cherished memories which will also fade and grow dim in time but the warmth I feel for her will not...Man do I miss her. R.I.P - "Here lies Cilla the symbolization of everything that could've been and would've been but ended before she began." 09/11/90

Nostalgia...inflicting my life with its bitter sweet pains of emotion. Lashes out at my being and keeps me an arms length away. Wish it would all vanish and fade out of my mind like puddles to the sun yet they resurface at dull times. Wanting something that once was but now falters and fails depressingly. These thoughts are unwanted and keep me from moving on, you keep pulling me down unawares even when you are not part of my life anymore. I just wanted to be with you and keep you happy and whole just to please you for nothing in return besides your smile, laughter, and voice, to hold your hand and feel you there is that so much to ask? Just a friend? Didn't I prove myself truthful in my sympathetic listening and understanding? Did I frighten you off with my boldness and honesty? Why'd you have to do this? Why'd you have to leave me alone? Why'd you have to go? All I ever wanted was an answer, just a whisper, just a word, a hint, even an exscuse...but no...not even that...you leave me with less than I sought out with and a monolith of questions strapped to my back, that will never have an answer, you could've been my answer...my everything...instead I'm morphed and mutated into something I never wanted to be and something I've always despised, all because something as trivial as your inconsistencies and broken promises. ARE YOU BLIND?! CANT YOU SEE THE RESEMBLANCE OF YOU AND THE ONE YOU SPEAK DOWN UPON!? YOU ARE ONE AND THE SAME IN EVERY ASPECT AND WAY!! STEP BACK AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!! Maybe it was my fault for trusting you even though I was thrown away the same way more then once but can you blame me? You were perfect. A match made in heaven as though God had designed you just for me. Everything about you I could relate to. You were beautiful in a way beyond the physical. But I guess if opposites attract then duplicates repel, maybe the answer is as simple as that...or so I wish. You could've at least said bye, you could've at least looked my way for once, you could've at least acted as though you wanted my company and maybe try longing for me for once, you could've at least killed my soul instead of letting it relentlessly hemorrhage on this way unnecessarily. Even now I waste precious seconds of my life on your ass, random outbursts of wanting you still arise from time to time I'm ashamed to say it but they are slowly but surely dying. Just leave me be, I'll walk and wander aimlessly in the dark veil you left me with among the mindless marionettes and gnaw at the nothingness of raw life...But if I ever by some chance claw my way out from this dead fall, I don't want to hear even an utterance of breath from your lips.Here is where I sever all ties. Don't look at me from those waning eyes as if you know me anymore but look at me as if I were a stranger because after all...thats all you ever wanted me to be. (The songs... they speak to me about familiar occurances so vividly and are like memories of my own but they are still not words of my own and so will never replace this gaping void I must fill in for myself.)