he doesnt know how bad i hate him right now. but the truth is, i hate myself so much more.. for making myself so vulnerable.. i know that there is probably no way that he reciprocates any of the feelings i have towards him. so i'm basically setting myself up for a heartbreak. once again. for the second time. i hope he is worth it. wow. he probably has NO IDEA. i feel like a freak.

hanging on the edge of my seat. eyes fixed on the screen, waiting for an email. waiting for a telephone call. waiting for a response. this feeling is burning a hole through me. wishing i knew.

okay, so maybe its not the GREATEST paradox but i was thinking this morning about people deviating from the norm and i decided that it is quite possibly one of the biggest contradictions ever. as people in society and students in school we are often urged to be our own people, to be creative and original, but at the same time we're being urged to fit this ideal image of what we are SUPPOSED to be.. if the stereotyping isn't seen on tv, its in school. all the 'cool' kids flaunting their stupid hollister or a&f because its the 'cool' thing. i dont understand why everyone is so fixated on being 'cool'. i mean shouldn't someones PERSONALITY really make them who they are and also determine what others think of them?? i tend to find foreign people in general much more interesting than Americans because they aren't obsessed with fitting the mold of everyone else around them. they wear whatever they want to wear, they have interests that are all their own not just someone else's that they want to be like... the ideal image of beauty, career, or whatever.. its everywhere over here.. and its absolutely rediculous. how are we supposed to find OUR normal when everyone else is pushing us to fit someone else's idea of who we are supposed to be? why should we even care what anyone else thinks? blehh..

so its finally autumn and i am super excited. autumn is my favorite season ever. there's not really much to write about aside from the overload of schoolwork. OH yeah, and i MAY or may not get to see ARCADE FIRE wednesday. i'm really excited because they're one of my favorite bands atm. hmm also i still really like this boy who sees me as a friend, and a friend only. ::big thumbs down:: i'm pretty much stuck on the song 'spark' by the bird and the bee. its so peaceful and it reminds me sort of rebirth in a sense... i left a comment on the song so yeah. Hmm.. also i'm reading this really good book by chuck klosterman entitled IV (or 4 for those who are roman numerally challenged). it's an awesome book about pop culture full of sarcasm and awesomeness. so yeah, this was my first journal entry ever and i'm not sure where it will show up or if anyone will comment it but thanks for reading, if you did indeed read it. =]