They all decided I set the curve on the Chem II test, I didn't. They all decided I would receive the Research Paper Award, I didn't. They all decided I would receive the Enriched English III Award, I didn't. When did I become the nominee for intelligence? "Hey, Kat, what is an amine?" "A neurotransmitter, like serotonin or dopamine, dop-amine; amine." "I knew she would know." I chose decided males from the freshmen class and began smiling at them daily with my eyes slightly squinted as if trying to force happiness out of them, until their eyes lit up when they recognized my face in passing period. When their scared eyes turned to happy, I began avoiding each of them, eventually finding a new one to smile at. Today an old one furrowed at me as I passed, mentioning I was sad, I nodded and looked ahead, taking the back stairs. Am I doomed to be socially strange always? "Hi, my name is Kathlynn, but people call me Kat for short, you can if it is easier for you." This is how I started every conversation and friendship I ever had as a child. It mattered not the setting, the words remained the same. This evening I took short steps toward Jare's door, the air was thick with a muggy feeling, making my skin feel sticky and heavily hung on my bones. I gave him his birthday gift as his grandmother's dog escaped through the open door. We go on a search and find her to be a in the backyard of Shae's neighbor's house. Lovely. I am ready to escape this place, his dreadful name and spotting him from a distance, darting out of a store to avoid possible interaction. I thought this high school avoidance was over. I suppose it cannot when he runs about with high school students still. I only want to feel free from my past, is this too much to ask? Quote of the Day: ~“The Earth has a skin and that skin has diseases, one of its diseases is called man.”~ -Friedrich Nietzsche

I do not understand why it is people like me. For a while I got to a point where I started believing them and actually started feeling nice about myself. Now when I read over past emails and all of the sweet things they say, I feel confused and upset. It is almost a frustrated sort of feeling, as though I just want to shake them and say, 'what is wrong with you?' I am so uncertain of my positive qualities and focus so heavily on the negative ones. I want to go back to believing them, and looking myself in the mirror and thinking how I like my eyelids and the way the corners of my lips curl up when I smile instead of what I would change or how I do not look so pretty anymore. I suppose this is just another thing to add to my growing list of work-ons. Quote of the Day: "I have lived eighty years of life and know nothing for it, but to be resigned and tell myself that flies are born to be eaten by spiders and man to be devoured by sorrow." --Voltaire

I was watching Stay and feeling kind of shitty, and I was thinking about Henry and his pain, and I felt it. I watch movies lately, and I feel their feelings. I have never had such an occurrence and I wonder now if this is how other people feel. But with the joy I feel their pain, the gut wrenching pain that reminds me of my own and I want it all to go away. I don't honestly know what is right and wrong anymore. I don't know who to trust and what to believe in. If there is really a future in us or anyone. This ending and this life is tearing me a part and I have become a little self destructive in my ways. I looked my mother in the eyes today, she looked scared as she asked if I would come home and all I could mutter was, 'I don't know, Mom...I don't know...' and I felt my eyes well up with tears because it is what I have wanting for so long, but I don't know if I can trust her and if going back is evening an idea worth thinking on. I just want a hug, so fucking much. I just want a hug. I am waiting for these pills to start working. Today was the first day of what I hope to be a healthy life. I am waiting on so much, and I just want to feel like I matter again, but I am not sure if it is even worth it. It is going to hurt either way. This is loneliness. Quote of the Day: ~"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."~ --Mother Teresa

Dear Kathlynn, This letter is to inform you of your appointment with Dr. HungryFord on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 11:15AM. Please bring.... This is a useless reminder to remind you are under eighteen. If you are unable to keep this appointment please call (a number to the office) to reschedule (but not to call it all off.) Sincerely, Someone you don't know. How could someone even send that in a sincere manner? I know I am just being picky, fickle, and sad right now, but truly? Must they always put this mask of friendliness on? As if the gentle smile, the kind eyes, and the perfectly placed box of Kleenex wasn't enough. I am feeling so very hopeless and low now, I have all day long. Taking the night time pills let me sleep, but they make me painfully aware in the daytime. Too much awareness is too much thoughtfulness, and it is a disease that rots my pink jelly like brain to a moldy green. I only wish to fall into the bed of someone who is sweet and not to be touched or talked to, just to feel them next to me, knowing they are breathing, and so I am. I want to sleep to dream of places where lovers have wings and my mind is a little less obscene. This is just a low spot, and I will somehow be helped out of it soon, I hope. Perhaps this medicine will help, and I will feel okay about things. I am going to keep going to therapy, and if I don't like it I will stop eating them. I have been making a lot of wonderful ceramic pieces lately. I drag myself up those four stairs and start molding clay with my small hands, and these things, these lovely things are made, and I just look at them with a sense of confusion. I try mostly to stop thinking, and somehow I get lost and in that loss I make wonderful pieces. This was an arbitrary entry. I wasted your time just now, and you can't have back, because I want all I can get. Good night and Good luck. Quote of the Day: ~"Poetry is what gets lost in translation."~ --Robert Frost