As the patches of snow melt and slowly fade away my heart races inside my chest. I have a longing for blue walls, sweet smells, dancing, and candy. Why? I don't truly want any of that. Why do I feel so hypnotized by the thought of meeting again? I am not even sure if I ever want to lay my blue eyes upon yours again. Some days I feel sick with what I did, with how we danced, with how he felt. I look back and I still don't understand how or why it happened. I should have never danced with you, not so close, why did I look up? I should never have looked up to watch you lick your lips and feel my heart flutter in its cave. I feel almost antsy and needing, I haven't spoken to you in months, I think, or fancy. My mind has gotten hold of a virus. How did it ever happen? Tell the story to me again, but skip the bad parts this time. I felt so romantic there. On the verge of doom in my home I felt enticed by the comfort of your arms on my hips, the blueness of your walls, the sickly sweet smell of your room, the cartoons, the anime, the music, all of it. I can't stop thinking of how we swayed and how our lips were sweet with the sugar from the candy we consumed. I want this out of me. I want to rip it and it's comforts from my mind. If I dug up a plant in my mind, it would be this one. I can't get the scent of your room to leave my nostrils. I feel so intensely now. I even feel jealousy. Such an insane and undesirable feeling, I have not even a reason to feel it. I have never felt so much, I still am not used to it. Quote of the Day: ~"It opens the lungs, washes the countenance, exercises the eyes, and softens down the temper... so cry away."~ --Charles Dickens Truthfully, all I want to feel is someone's arms around me, hugging me closely without me having to ask for it. Even the shy ones need hugs sometimes. Oh, how I wish they didn't.

I didn't have a bad day, I didn't have an interesting day, I didn't have a nice day, I just had a day, I suppose. These are the days I feel the worst. I made this tree out of baling wire. It's awful, so just stop talking about it and complimenting it. You want it? Kay, take it, take it from my sight. It took me about forty minutes to make, twisting wire, it's the next Mona Lisa. I don't know why I just felt angry there. I don't understand me anymore. What happened? I used to feel okay. More okay than this. I felt okay around Christmas time. It was sweet then, it can't always be sweet, and I need to stop feeling so left down. It's getting ridiculous. I called today, after school. 'Mhm, and whatca comin' back for?' the secretary's voice asks me, and I can't remember what her face looks like. 'Oh..uh...just...you know, depression stuff,' I feel lost and unable to speak. Is she going to write that down? That's not the truth! I lied. Did you really have to ask? Can't I just tell her myself? There are people in the room...am I really supposed to say? The feelings swimming in my chest are a smoothie of self loathing, failure, shamefulness, and let down. Why am I feeling so let down? Why do I feel like something has changed, even though it has been said you still feel the same. It's just me. I'm certain. This time, I think if she tells me to take the pills, I'm going to take the pills. I feel so worthless and unhappy. I constantly question if my friends like me or if my love loves me. They don't even have to give me reason. I have this constant need to be reassured, like a crying child, it's weak and annoying. Part of me wants to just start isolating myself. There can be no let down, no final goodbye without a phrase if I just leave. I'm replaceable, I believe. If I can't be, you can call me, and I'll answer. That or the want for friendship and love with drive me mad and I'll call. I'll be weak and desperate, I'll need you. Why do we have to be so mean to each other? I understand it in the moment of anger. My head is clear, like an open field, my tongue dances and lashes behind my straightened teeth. Later though, I feel such shame, even if they deserved it. Even if they had it coming, even if I am so close to truly hating them. We're all just going to die. Shae sent me a message. Frozen, I sat there, gaping at the computer screen. Lack of breathing forces me to choke, letting tears pour out and breath pour in. I needed you then, but you were sleeping. I was stupid for needing you. You don't need me. I don't want to need anyone, it makes me feel so weak to know I do, to know you don't. This is becoming pathetic, somewhat like it's writer. Quote of the Day: ~"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."~ --T.S. Eliot There's this poster on the way to the art room that says, 'Anger is one letter away from Danger.' When I see it always think, 'Shame is one letter different than his name.'

It is so strange to me how such nice things can be said to me, and I can still feel so sad. Yet, I watch perhaps one of the saddest, most insecurity provoking films I know of, and I feel okay. While I was watching (500)Days of Summer I started to think about something that silly boy would always tell me about, about how everything is transient. Well, you know what? I think maybe he was right, but I don't think that it really even matters. Watching that movie again made me realize that even though the ending is sad, and his heart lays wheezing on his apartment floor, it just really does not matter at all. It doesn't matter because they had those moments, those lovely bright blue moments in the sunshine and in the gloom. Maybe things are transient in relationship. I'm certain they are, in fact. However, maybe for some people they are in a different way. Maybe we'll be some people, maybe we won't. Maybe we will love and live for three months, or three years, or until we're old or dead. Or maybe we'll never even get that far. Right now though, that doesn't really matter to me because I am feeling alright. I wasn't last night, but I am now. Maybe that's not okay, not normal, but...oh well. The truth of the matter is that I don't think when we meet someone we'll know how long we'll love them or how long we won't. There is no meant to be, or going to be, or seeing you in the future because I feel it in my heart. There is here, and there is now. I know I'm being overly optimistic and maybe all that indie music lifted my heart higher than it should be held, but I think I'm going to try to remember this moment in the time to come. It is going to be a trying time, I could really use this sort of feeling though it. I think I'll call tomorrow. This morning I realized that I was really, truly at the end, and if I didn't get this fixed, if I didn't have that silly boy to tie me down, then I don't think I'd be sticking around too much longer. So, tomorrow, I'm going to call. I'm probably going to cry afterward and be scared to death, but I'm going to call. Then I'm going to go shopping and wear those purple textured stockings that make my legs look longer than they ever could be. I think I'm finally ready. Quote of the Day: ~“Fanatics in power and the funnel of a tornado have this in common - the narrow path in which they move is marked by violence and destruction”~ ---Oscar Wilde