My fingers clamber over the keys in an attempt to give my thanks, but the truth is I have never been as eloquent as I'd like to fancy myself as. My body shakes and all I can think is, ''no, no, no, it's not real, no, it didn't happen. I made it up! I swear it! I swear it!" but your voice on the other end makes it all too real. All I want to feel is the fast motion of my legs running free in an open skirt, just trying to get away. Truthfully, I still just want to try and get away, but I know you're right. I know I must go back, I know I must face these demons and feel. I must feel, the one thing I've had the most struggle with. I can't focus on the negative though, I can't do that to myself anymore. At the end of this, I will come through the tunnel, a lot stronger, a lot healthier. I won't flinch as much and be so afraid, I will be a little closer to okay. I cannot thank you enough, forever I will be grateful. I know I say this a lot, but I don't know where I'd be if you weren't here, to figuratively hold my hand through this, to hear your voice on the other end of my cellular phone. I'm going to emerge from this, better than what I was when I began. I'm going to say everything I can think to, and not hold so much back this time. It is most comforting to know you aren't leaving because of this, that you are still the same. Now look, I've gone and used too many you's and many I's. It's time enough to say goodbye. Quote of the Day: ~“I like to feel the burn of the audience's eyes when I'm whispering all my darkest secrets into the microphone”~ --Conor Oberst

A week or two ago was Han's birthday. To celebrate we went to Evans with Mac, Sey, Jare, Kiny, and Sey's boyfriend Ben. Ben lives in Evans so we didn't pick him until we got there. He is a really sweet kid, he's smart and listens to good music. He and Sey look so nice together. I first met Sey a while back at McDonald's. He is Han's friend, he's gay, as I'm sure you've put together. He's that sort of person that I've read about. He sometimes seems less like a real person and more like a character from the Great Gatsby. He doesn't care about what people think, he says what he pleases, and he laugh with such a strange flutter. He is a small framed boy, with black hair, but has a personality that overflows his frame. On the way to Evans Sey talks loudly and Jare and I speak to one another, joking and bitching about school. Occasionally Kiny steps in, such a sweet girl she is, but not always the brightest. Our conversations intertwine and break as we travel in Han's mother's mazda van. I mentally imagine the lines of conversation and feel nice as I am able to soak in my friends from the back of the mazda. We pick up Ben and Kiny gets in back with Jare and I. We make our way to the Asian market, I buy noodles, cream, and honey twists. I text Camden in between the aisles my friends occupy and smile a smile not one of them know what is for. We leave the market and make our way to the mall. Kiny is going to buy the Kesha album, we all poke fun at her, but she is still happy with her purchase. Han buys an album Sey has been raving about, by the xx. We meet another friend who buys Han earrings and a cut out of Edward, she photos with it and we all laugh. I ride the carousel with Jare in the mall, and get a horse stamp on my left hand. We leave and go to Denny's. We get a large table in the back, Sey and Ben are seated across from Han and I, Jare is on the end with Kiny. Ben tells us how he used to be really into drugs and how he's glad to be cleaner. He tells us he's a vegan turned vegetarian, and that he's nervous about his new dorm. Sey and Ben talk about the trouble of being gay, and what bullshit comes with it. Ben, Sey, and I talk for a lengthy time of music. They know some of what I listen to and my cheeks burn with excitement. Our food is brought out and I lift my cup of coffee, tick the side with a butter knife, and make a toast to my lovely friend Han and her birthday, we all smile and it is a nice moment. Han tells me of how thoughtful I am and Sey lavishes the moment as well. We eat but conversation never dwindles. My sister texts me, and asks if I know what yesterday was. I say no..yesterday had been the anniversary of Rob's death. I begin to cry, and everyone comforts me as I choke out what has happened. After eating we commence to take Ben to his dorm, and hang out with him there. It is a small, strange dorm, it reminds me of a 90's sitcom. We crowd into Ben's room and look all around. Sey turns to me as my mood is gradually turning grey, and hugs me. I stand on my tiptoes in order to rest my chin on his shoulder. His hug feels meaningful and lingers in my mind for the rest of the night. We sit in the small living space, which is dirty and odd. I tell Camden I'm sorry for being so doubtful and that I do love him, that he means so much to me, and I don't mean to be how I am. I'm feeling regretful and grey. We leave and Sey stays inside to say goodbye to Ben. As we had left Denny's I saw a couple entering, they looked to be about eighteen. Neither was beautiful or interesting looking, but the way he held the door for her and look down at her forward smile made me envy them. They made me ache, for the they were not special, but they had spark, they had what looked like love. I tell Camden of this, I wish I could give him that, I wish I could give him what he wants. He makes the point we live ten plus hours away. Sey opens the doors and spits out, 'fuck long distance,' but he looks sad. In that moment, I hate him, and I hate Kiny, they live within driving distance of who they love, at least. I hate me for having to lock it up. We drive homeward and I continue to text Camden, who is growing seemingly warn down. I feel drab and upset. Sey hands his phone to me, it reads; Is it just me or is it really obnoxious in here? I agree. I then write to him I apologize for being so grey tonight, and for him meeting me like this. He replies; Babe, I understand. The XX plays on the way home, and before we reach Sey's place of residence, we begin talking about his poor memory of people. He turns to me and says, 'I never did forget you,' I smile and feel nice, but empty in the same turn. Before he departs he kisses everyone on the cheek and Han follows him inside. She returns, and before ten minutes are over, I'm home again. Sorry for the length, I needed to get this out. Quote of the Day: ~"I aimed at the public's heart, and by accident I hit it in the stomach." --Upton Sinclair

I'm so insecure. I hate it. Lately it's more than just physically, it's everything. I feel like I'm not worth the time of others. It doesn't even make sense. I start to feel so sad and lonely, so self hating, and then you drop one of those lines that makes me turn my head and smile, all the hatred disappears, but it always seems to come back. I know it's not true, I know it. I just feel so scared. As though you're only lying to spare my feelings. When I think this way I feel so guilty and horrid. I sometimes wish you hadn't told me what you said to her, but I'm also glad you didn't hide it. On a positive note I've been emotionally exhausted lately, so I've been sleeping a little more. It seems I can sleep much better after the sun rises. Unfortunately this isn't exactly plausible for me since I wake before the sun. I was feeling rather optimistic this morning, but then I fell asleep for thirty minutes and had a horrible dream. In it I was so sad, watching someone I love further himself from me. I felt insecure in it, just as I am now. I wish things didn't affect me so easily. I wonder if other people are like this. Quote of the Day: ~“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”~ --A.A. Milne