:This is a small collection of journal entries I've been writing on Wordpad. They will go from bottom to top oldest to newest as my other entries automatically do.: July 11th ; the day of the Skyline show There are these kittens in the barn. They opened their eyes a week and a half or so ago. I love the way they smell and mew, and how when I pick one up it looks all around with wide eyes never stopping to rest on one thing. As if it's attempting to take the whole world in, in one giant sweep. They really are quite beautiful little kittens. They're mainly grey; the oldest is grey striped with one tan spot on it's head, the middle is all grey and striped, the youngest is grey with no stripes and light tan spots. I go to see them on most days, or when I can. Today, I went after the storm. Standing in the barn, picking them out of their cubby holes it began to rain again and there was something that just felt so good, so simple. I love how the outside world smells after a summer's rain. The sweet smell of the grass and the fields being whisked away in the wind...there are days when I couldn't ask for more. Sometimes, Dar and I go and fight in the corn field with these two-dollar foam swords I bought us. I always wear a flowing skirt, it's so much easier to run in. There's this open spot in the corn field, where nothing grows, we fight our way through the corn to it at dusk. There's something about that spot that just feels wonderful, like it's our secret spot. The corns getting taller and it's a little harder to get through now, but I like being the leader as we walk down and through the rows. There's something I really like about living here. I like how disconnected I am, I like how we have to find our own ways of entertainment. I like feeling less like an adult and more like a child. I like being away. I miss Suss's sometimes though. I love being there, for I feel like I'm for once a part of a family. One day, as I was rinsing my coffee cup Rran (her father) kissed the top of my head, like father's do to daughters, and I just realized I've never had that sort of open love in my home. Nik (her mother) openly told me she loved without having to say goodbye or any such thing. I wish I could say the same about my own broken little family. July 8th, 9:35 pm Central Time Four days ago Dar and I have been dating a year. It feels pretty nice to know we've made it so far and we've done so well. Though I've had my share of fuck ups, I'm glad we're together. We never fight, and when I say that, I mean it. I'm not just saying it to make it sound like we're perfect. We have our disagreements, sure. We even have heated moments of slight anger, but it passes and we never hold real arguments or resentment for one another. I talked to my sister not long ago and told her about the weekly mishaps with my mother and she wished Dar's parents would just adopt me. I can now understand why my sister left when she was fifteen, I understand a bit too well, more than she did perhaps. My mother is slowly slipping out of my vision of people I respect and crawling into the vision of people I abhor. I'm just horribly sick of all the broken promises. All the things she says she'll do, but then doesn't because something 'came up.' Like this coming weekend for instance. Skyline Empire (http://www.myspace.com/skylineempireband) is a local band that Dar and I love, he has a prepaid ticket to the show this Saturday and we can't wait to go. Arnol said he'd give us a lift. The thing with Arnol is we may have a lift there...but getting home is another story. So, my mother told me she'd give me the car, to make sure we're safe and all. (like mothers do) But what? She calls today saying we need to house sit for her this weekend...the occasion? A work thing? A death? Family issues? No, ladies and gentlemen.. She needs/i> to get out of town, go to my aunt's.....and you guessed it, party. Oh well. I've been thinking and fearing death a lot again lately. It feels like this ever present shadow just hanging around my feet, and I'm terrified of looking down. I dreamt I died the other night, and the pain I felt in it was so real. The longing to be back home, with Dar, with my friends, it felt so horrible. I woke up cold and frightened and cuddled up to Dar, but even then it was still there. We watched this really good movie earlier called Fur: The Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus and in the end the man she loves is having breathing problems and he asks her to go to the ocean with him. He dies there, obviously, and again I felt that wrenching feeling. I'm so afraid of dying and even more of afraid of those I love dying. There are so many things I would miss. My brown heels, my favorite shade of blue, Dar's whistley nose in the middle of the night, the sound of my best friend's voice (though that's a new one.), music, art and making art, the hope for tomorrow, video games, sunsets, the low blue note, stranger's laughs, bitterly beautiful things, learning, reading, and writing, feeling sexy even if I'm not, being loved and loving, the scent of honey suckles, autumn, everyone's secret life, independent films, color coated memories...the list goes on and on. I often feel I will die young, but I think a lot of people do. Though feeling this way makes me think back to the Spring. Standing on Joel's porch he told me the same thing, and I hoped it wouldn't be so. I wonder if this is how he felt. I wonder how he feels now, I hope he's happy. I'm going to go play Animal Crossing now and try to lighten up a bit. Wednesday, maybe. I think I have finally realized what puts me into that funk. That funk that makes me think and makes me feel like I used to when things were so horrible. An event happened that seemed to trigger and I realized it was the same for most times I fall into it. Dar's sister came to visit, well sort of, she came to pick up an ice cream cake we made (horribly) for her. She came over and all was well but I felt myself getting more quiet as the time progressed and by the end of her visit I was in it. I suppose I am a little disappointed to find this to be the possible reason behind the funk for it further shows social phobia. I've been staying at Dar's for about a week now I would say. I'm not really sure of the date right now, but I estimate I've been here about a week. The reason I'm staying here is because my parents have decided to get a divorce (or my mother is just leaving my step father, either or) She did this while I was staying at Suss's house for a three week visit. And the funniest thing about it? She told me via text message...because she's an adult. She already has a new boyfriend who was a family friend before, we have a new 'house' which is at least larger than the last fish tank we were shoved in to (and I have windows again.) I guess it's pretty safe to say I have a teensy bit of pent up anger hidden in my cage of ribs. It's just really hard to deal with a mother who is more of a sixteen year old than you are. I'm not sure if she's going through a midlife crisis but it sure seems like it. Today Dar and I went to the new house (which we had to find our own ride home from...what the fuck) and while she was hugging me goodbye she let word of her new sex life. Gee, thanks Mom. I realize that the disappointment I'm feeling now may be my own fault. It turns out that I very well may not be going to Arkansas this year. I was banking on that, I wanted it, I wanted to be away and do what I feel and say what I feel and take in all I want, to not have to answer to a woman who acts like a child. I let myself become excited, I let myself depend on the escape, and now I have let myself down. Nice and easy, like always. I may be staying with Dar until school starts...which is about a month away I believe. So I have no internet until then unless I stay with my mother. I hope I get to some internet soon, to tell Camden I have none and that my phone is shut off (again, thanks to my asshole ex-stepfather) I thought a week or so without talking to him would suck, now it may be a month or so. I hope not. Guh, things suck right now and I feel that it's taking forever to get it all out so I'm going to attempt to shorten it. I went to Suss's which was not as nice as I expected, let downs lead to more let downs in my neck of the woods it seems. Joel doesn't seem to be there anymore, and maybe he's not, I don't want to talk about that here. I felt a tinge awkward around Suss and Trev all the time, not that it was their fault or anything, just...riding in the backseat alone is only so fun for so long. And even when Joel was back there with me, he just fell asleep or was set on staring at the fields passing by. The weather was less than desirable and I began to feel very odd. A few nights before I left I had the biggest breakdown I've had in a terribly long time. As soon as the latch on the bathroom door made contact tears started dripping, I sat in there with my hands cuffed over muffling my sobs for what seemed like hours. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than being blown off last minute. While all my own internal fighting was going on, my mother was apparently doing some fighting of her own. Hence, the divorce. After the text, things became...strange. My now ex-stepfather began warming up to me though I've always hated that racist fuck and he knows it. I warmed back though, to protect my cats, not knowing what he'd do otherwise. He was obviously using me to get to my mother. My mother then decided to get with Clay I guess, which she also told me through text. After this, Clay apparently went off on Ju (ex-stepfather) and I got a phone call with all the details during dinner at a Thai restaurant (my choice.) I became overwhelmed, and cried in the place, hooray for public crying.. So then my mother apparently takes Ju to court or something to file for divorce and he says something along the lines of 'people sleep well in burned houses.' And now we live down the street. =] Yippee Yay. Blah... Oh, and my laptop was filled with gay and teen porn, and my mother let her dumbass friend who can't even work utorrent mess with it. So it's a little slow, and since Mother is no longer friends with Dumbass I have no way of knowing what she did. =]