This uncomfortable sense of apathy seems to not want to dissipate as of right now. My stomach aches, my mind feels dull, my eyes feel heavy, as does my heart. It's almost like a guilt but more like a void. I feel best when I'm driving. My hands gripped lightly around the steering wheel, good ole' 10 and 2, images blurring by and nothing is a constant when I'm passing it all by. And this time I'm just sitting here mentally stating to myself, 'things are good right now, kid, lighten up a little.' I have so much anticipation for the future that it sometimes hinders my present and pushes me into that funk that makes me want to sleep for many years. Ah, moody me. Let's not be quite so. Perhaps acceptance is just your minding finally giving in. Acceptance seems to be my lowest point, when there's nothing left to fight for. When there cease to be not only answers but questions too. Ah, this is just another of those moods. Tomorrow I'll be right-o and chipper, yeah. After I destroy that Chemistry test. I wrote a poem the other day, a couple actually, they were shit. Poems always are to me, mine anyway. Things will be good, this weekend will be good, this summer will hopefully be good. Yes, yes. A little less pessimism and little more optimism, and then you've nailed it. You got the part. Things just don't seem so entertaining anymore, I want to go do something. I want to get out. Just where to is the problem, that and getting passed my parents. Have a good end of the week and weekend everyone. Thursdays are my favorite, enjoy it tomorrow. Quote of the Day: ~“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”~ --August Wilson One thing I really like about writing here is that I can package up a little part of me that's been scratching to get out, and send it off. By the end of the goodbye I usually begin to feel better, usually. Don't die.

"Sissy, I promise, everything's going to be okay.." "It will just take some time.." God, I hope so. I hope so much that you'll do what you say this time. But your hugs sometimes feel like choking, and you're only sweet when you've seen me kicked down. I hope things will go up instead of just faking and then spiraling down. I hope this time passes by more quickly than one can fathom, but I know it won't, not without windows. At least I'm leaving soon. I have a cocktail of emotions clambering about in my head and I don't know which one to follow. It's as though they're all climbing on a play ground, and I follow one for so long..and then it falls off and I'm stuck empty. I'm angry and hurt, upset that things don't have a solution, made powerless by my parents inaction, and scared for what the future holds. I just want to run as fast as my messed up little legs will carry me and somehow end up on a beach looking over the ocean. I just want to get away. Man, I can't wait to get out of here. I often feel it will be so sad, but I have to get away..far away. I think I want to live on campus for college..force myself into social situations and just try to experience something new. No matter how rough life gets in adulthood, at least I will have myself to blame, at least it will be on my shoulders, at least I won't be this powerless creature tormented by what's just out of reach. I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day. Quote of the Day: ~“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”~ -- William Arthur Ward