I just need a change.

I remember when I was little we would watch these videos where the letters had personalities, and X was always an outcast because he was C and S put together and he didn't feel like an individual, and even though he was accepted at the end I always felt bad for him. I've been thinking about the past a lot, I'm not sure if I'm thinking about it in a positive or negative light, but I'm thinking about it. I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately too, and about death and about how Robert died and he shouldn't have and how I'm so thankful Arnol's dad found him and that the gun misfired and he had to resort to pills because I don't know what I'd do without him and I wish I could express that without him feeling like I'm only saying it because of what happened. I wish I could just do one thing that could show everyone I love how much I care for them, but I just don't know what. Death is going to be with us our whole lives, and I'm starting to not feel so invincible anymore. I haven't been writing because I don't want to think because thinking means bad bad things, man. I think the economy is taking a toll on my family, but I hope not. I don't really care though, as long as we can be together I'm okay. I miss my sister. I wish I would have been there for Arnol and that I would have known and that I could stop blaming myself. I wish for one day I could be totally honest and just say what I think and not be argued on it, and just have people nod and accept my point of view and I accept theirs, but just for one day. I'm feeling really regretful right now and feeling like I need to tell everyone I care about that I really do care about them because they could be gone sooner than I'd like. So to all my friends who do read this (Camden, Trev, Suss, Kins, Ash, Jas, all of you) I really do care for you all and respect you as individuals and if anything ever, ever gets so bad that you don't want to be here, just call me and I'll talk to you even if it's 4 in the morning. And just man, I love you all so much and I wish I was better at expressing this stuff because you are all amazing people and I wouldn't change any of you for the world. And I hope I do get to visit you soon Suss. I don't read many journals anymore, and I should. I keep saying that I'm just so busy lately, but that shouldn't be an excuse. I need to start taking time to do things like that. I need to get my life in order, I need it to be in order because if everything is just in perfect order than no one will be hurt or upset because everything will be controlled and I will have control on life again and be able to stop blaming things because it will all be okay. Just let it be okay. I need to go to bed now and stop writing because I'm starting to get frantic and I need to tell Ali she is a great friend and that I'm glad she's a Cancer and I wouldn't have her any other way, and I need to hug Dar and let him know how much I appreciate him, and I need to do a lot of other things and stop thinking about myself so much. Just, everyone, try to be okay, and don't die, and buckle up when you get in a car and always look out for each other and just be okay. Quote of the Day: ~"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind."~ -- William Shakespeare

So, so, so. It's Martin Luther King Jr day and tomorrow is Obama's inauguration! I wish we had tomorrow off to be able to see all the press coverage of it, but unfortunately we don't. It snowed last night and stuck for the first time this year. I'm babysitting Ayn today and we played in it earlier which was really fun. He told me I'm the weirdest girl he knows =P (he's a fourth grader) Last night I spent with Ali, we painted the doors of her closet and saw a movie. We saw The Bride Wars, which was downright awful. I wanted to see Gran Torino, but Ali didn't and afterward she said next time I should just choose the movie because Bride Wars sucked so much. It was still fun hanging out with her though. Friday and Saturday I spent with Dar which was wonderful. Everything with him great. I'm so happy with him, it's nice to have someone who I can tell anything and know that he will just nod and talk to me about it and not get angry. I'm a bit worried about Arnol, he said he tried to kill himself, I don't want to believe him but it's perfectly plausible. I just wish I was there for him, I don't know. I haven't been writing much lately, it's wintertime and I'm trying not to get into over analyzing every little thing again. I don't feel like writing right now, maybe I will someday and actually want to write. Anyway, life has been good, I still have a lot of things I need to do and never enough time and I'm always tired, and blah I need to do my Chem. Quote of the Day: ~"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read"~ --Mark Twain

I wasn't going to post, well I was, but it was going to be a feelings thing. However, I remembered my dream and decided I wanted to talk about it on here. I only remember a few things from it, but there is one particular scene that keeps wanting to play. I was coming out of a house and there was a side walk leading to the street (I feel like maybe it was Sal's Uncle Jef's house) I came out of the house and was standing on the stair step waiting on someone, when I green jeep (Gur's jeep) and the door opened and it was TJ, but he looked kind of like Robert and I was so excited to see him and then I tilted my head to see in the passenger seat and it was Gur and I was equally as happy to see him. I don't know what it was, but it just feels like that the dream was telling me that when I go back it's going to be okay. And that even though Rob is gone, he'll be looking over us, or that he's in a better place and that he really wants us to enjoy the time we have together. I don't know, but I've been really worried about going back to AR and I feel a lot better now that I had that dream. I'll try to get something about internal going-ons in the next week or so, I have other things I really need to do. (like write certain people, and clean, and write, and do art, etc) Quote of the Day: ~“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”~ --Buddha

Thursday evening I came home and unsuccessfully tried to watch Star Wars Ep VI, but after giving up I went to room where I saw I had two text messages. I read them only to find they were from my sister, a friend from AR had passed. His name was Robert, and I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned him before. He was working in Louisiana on an oil rig. He was in an elevator when I pipe swung down and crushed his skull, he was wearing a helmet but it cracked through it. Robert was an amazing guy, I know everyone says what was best about people after they die, but he really was a great person. He was always smiling, at 21 he had crows feet and laugh wrinkles from his constant grin. He was the kind of person that made you feel silly for being angry or upset over something petty, for he was always happy. He really had a way of lighting up a room. He was strong, gorgeous looking, and had a great personality. He had been dating a girl name Laken for sometime and they had plans to get married sometime in the upcoming year. His best friend was T.J. and he was good friends with my sister. While I only knew him for 2 months during my stay in AR he really did have a positive impact on me. He was so laid back and happy go lucky, his positive attitude was infectious. He was the first person I met when I went to AR, he had been working on my sister's house with T.J. Since he died in Louisiana they aren't allowing his body to cross state line without being embalmed, but since his father was an Indian Chief (or something of that nature) he will have to be cremated. If you are religious, please keep him and his family in your prayers. He was truly a great guy and I hope his soul rests well in a better place. His death may have been tragic, especially only being at the age of 21, barely an adult, but hopefully his death didn't go without reason and someday we will be able to see that reason, whether it be in death or in life. ~no quote~