This weekend was great. Well, it wasn't fantastic, but it was nice. We had Friday off so on Thursday Dar came home with me. Even though he wasn't suppose to go anywhere this weekend. Thankfully I found a loop-hole. Thursday wasn't technically the weekend, so his mom decided I won and he could come over. (I love his mom, she's really nice) We had a nice time, we took a nap (well, he rested) and that was really nice. Then we attempted to make cookies (which turned out horribly because I'm a brownie maker not a cookie maker) but we ate like a fourth of the doe. Then we made supper, and I almost burnt the house down. haha. Then we just talked and watched music videos on youtube. I spent Friday alone, which was okay, I just watched television. Saturday I was invited to Dar's house to make homemade pizza (his mom invited me) and we ate and then we went outside, the moon was so very bright out in the country and we sat on his porch and just talked. I told him about everything. I told him about Shae and what really happened in the relationship. Then I told him about being depressed, and I didn't leave anything out. I told him how I stopped going to school for two weeks during first semester last year, and I told him how I lived in a different world for a while and lost touch with reality. I also told him how I thought about suicide and had a day picked out and then had a nervous break down before I did. I told him so much, and I explained everything, and he understood really well. Then I cried and he held me and told me he loved me. It was so nice to be able to tell him all that and for him to understand so well. He told me how he was depressed two years ago, and what it was like for him. Then we laid on his porch and just talked and kissed and made jokes. It was nice. I trust him so much more now. Sunday I went bowling with a female(first female friend in a long time!) and her boyfriend, and his cousin. It was fun. First we ate and then we were going to go see a movie, but everything was over already, then we went bowling. I didn't say much, since I was kind of nervous, but they didn't make me feel awkward. It was just a little odd because I could tell this what they do. They go bowling with the three of them, and it's just not something I would do. Not that it's not okay to go bowling, it's just not my ideal night. Anyway, her boyfriend's cousin paid for my bowling, and I really hope he didn't think that way of me, because I have Dar, and the cousin was nice and all..but I have Dar. Plus, he wouldn't be my type anyway.. They made me feel comfortable though, they asked me how old I was and what grade I was in and such. I could tell they were trying to make me feel included since I was younger then them. It was different, but nice. We took a country road home which was nice. Today is Columbus day, so I have no school. I'm probably just going to clean house and sit around. Have a good day everyone. Quote of the Day: ~"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."~ --Robert Frost (I'm sorry for the rut in quotes, I hope this one is better.)

I know I'm writing a lot lately, and I think part of me is just writing so I can not think. As if writing down everything will make me forget about it, sadly that's not the case. I know I talked about this in my last entry, but I'm so afraid of getting older. It's like..we're all in this big race to get to a certain age, to get out of high school and to go to college and to get a job and to start living. But what I don't understand is that while we are all in this big race we are all forgetting to really live. It's like...we don't feel we truly start living until a certain age or a certain point in our lives, but we are all living right now. Whether you are 10,5,14,24,or even 75 we are all living. It's like...we almost forget that at times. We forget to just live, and to enjoy the fact that we are living. I asked Camden last night if he ever felt we were all just letting life slip by and none of us even realize it, and he said lately he increasingly felt that way. It's finally starting to change colors outside. I bought a few Halloween decorations for my room. I bought these two little buckets and put tiny candles in them and I bought some fake flowers that are orange and deep red, almost maroon. It's especially hard for me right now because I'm wanting to tell everyone how much they mean to me, but it's so hard for me to. I mean, I don't just want to say it I want to show it. I just want them all to know they are so important to me and without them I would be truly lost, but it's so difficult to convey that. Autumn always feels kind of melancholy to me, even though it is my favorite season. I think it feels that way because everything is dying and winter is about to come, and winter always seems to close us in. I don't know how to properly say this, but Autumn is like..a subtle happy sort of melancholy. It's so beautiful but so sad all at once. It's so strange. Everything is so strange lately. I just feel a little lost right now, not how I used to feel. I don't mean that at all. I just feel like I've strayed away from the path I was trying so desperately to stay on. Then again, maybe that path wasn't the right one and that's why I strayed. I've been having really weird dreams lately and I've started sleep walking again like I did when I was little. Camden said it's usually caused by stress, but I don't feel really stressed lately. Maybe it's from being restless, I don't know, I think I'll ask him if he gets online today or tonight. I almost want to get gifts for all the people that mean so much to me, but I don't know what I would get them, and some of them I couldn't get gifts for because they don't live near me. And I couldn't really ask for their addresses because it could seem a little weird. I just don't want to die someday and feel like I didn't ever get to tell the people I truly cherish what they mean to me. I don't know, this has been on my mind for a while. I've realized that I narrate my life, and it's kind of odd. It doesn't annoy me or anything, but it's still really odd because I don't know anyone else who does that. (except maybe JD but he's not really real..) I also tend to picture my life as a metaphoric scene. The current scene is me just walking down this dirt road in the middle of the country, each side of the road is lined with trees and they're in full Autumn 'bloom.' There's no destination as to where I'm going and I'm walking very leisurely. I'm not really sure if that's normal, but I'm pretty sure I've always done it. I don't know, maybe I'm just unusual. Anyway, have a great Friday everyone. Quote of the Day: ~"I saw old autumn in the misty morn Stand shadowless like silence, listening To silence."~ --Thomas Hood So, from now on I'm not going to worry whether I know the people I quote or not. I like this quote, the whole silence listening to silence thing kind of reminds me of myself.

Today after school I was sitting in my room and I was just listening to this really pretty piano and thinking about getting a typewriter. Then for some reason it just popped into my mind how beautiful the world truly is. No matter how much I complain about humanity and things I don't like, it is beautiful. And I just started crying, crying hard. Tears dripped into my glasses so I took them off. It wasn't a sad painful cry where my eyes sting and I feel over heated. It was just a cool (as in temperature) cry, I cried hard but I didn't sob. I don't really know how to explain this, but I was just thinking about all these things, like Autumn and music and Charlie and my life and where my life is and who I am and who everyone else is, and I just couldn't hold back the tears. That doesn't quite explain it properly, but it will due. I don't know if maybe I was just being emotional, but it felt real to me. It was like for a few minutes I realized all this beauty around me and it was just too much to take it. It was overwhelming. I finally calmed down a little and walked to the bathroom for some tissue to wipe off my face. I caught my reflection in the mirror and for some reason I looked really..old..not like old and shriveled, just older...I don't know if it was the zigzags of mascara smeared on my face or my bloodshot eyes, but I looked older. Then I thought about how I was getting older and sooner than I know I will be out of high school and it frightens me. Like I'm being carried away and I'm trying to claw the wall to escape, but I just can't get a good enough grip to hold on to. Today in class I thought about the house I grew up in and how there is another girl (a little younger than myself) living in that house, in my house, in my room, and she gets to grow up next to my childhood friend. And this sense of anger and jealousy swept over me. I also thought about how all this will be a memory someday, and people I know, and maybe even children I have will here about them. It makes me feel so very odd. It makes me feel almost nostalgic, but not for the past, for the now. Which is a very odd sense. (I'm not sure if there is a proper word for this feeling or not) It just all seems really surreal to me, that someday we will all be older and go our separate ways. It's just so odd... I want to make Dar a mixed cd, but I'm not sure if he will really like it, and it seems kind of cheesy to me, but I think that's just my excuse for not making it. I think I might ask him about it. Then again, I might not. Anyway, I should be going. Take care everyone and don't forget to enjoy the now while it still is. Also, don't forget how beautiful everything and how beautiful you are even if you don't think it, because you are. Quote of the Day: ~“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”~ --William Allen White

I should have given The Perks of Being a Wallflower back when I was finished with it, but I just can't let it go. I just love it. I used to really like the smiths. Death Cab (early early Death Cab) did a cover of This Charming Man, and it's been stuck in my head for a few days now. I listened to Asleep and it's beautiful, and I know what Sam looks like now. So...I d/l-ed 8 albums, and I plan to buy one (which is rare for me) I'm just not sure which yet. I'm sorry I can't let you go Charlie, I just want to hide out in your world, is there room? I won't make a fuss, promise, I just want to watch and listen and understand. I always draw on my chem papers. Mr. A (who is amazing and his class feels like a movie, which I'll describe later) comments on them. I made a drawing of flowers and drew and arrow saying they were wallflowers and were the most beautiful of all. Then on the back I wrote on the top "I'm pretty sure I'm a wallflower' then drew an arrow to the bottom and wrote 'and I couldn't be more proud' He hasn't given me the paper back though, and I'm not sure why... A girl from school is texting me, and it's so awkward talking to other girls. I wish it wasn't that way. Dar wears shirts that are a little too big for him (not in like a gangster way ,he's kind of scene, but in much less of a trendy way) I wish he wouldn't. Not that he doesn't look great, it's just he has such a nice body and I don't think he even realizes it. I'm reading The Perks again. I'm half way through, once I get some money again (I just bought my costume, so I'm broke) I'm going to buy it. The hard cover too, and I'll never let it alone, I'll love it even when I'm old. I want to share the book with someone, but they won't understand, I just know it. I wish they would, but they won't. I thought I had more to write, but I'm going to stop. Also, I have a 4 day weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dar can't go anywhere, but his mom invited me over on Sat. I hope she changes her mind for at least Sunday.. Quote of the Day: ~“A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live”~ --Bertrand Russell (I don't know who that is, but I like his quote) PS-ash- I wish I had a nickname for you, I adore the one you gave me.

This is going to be about Dar, so I'm just warning you all. Dar and I walked home on Friday and as we passed this lady on a bike talking to this man in his yard she turns to us just as we are passing and says, 'You two make a great couple," and didn't even smile or anything. She just looked us dead in the eyes as we passed by and we were both kind of speechless. I found my voice and said thanks. It was weird because it was just so random. I hadn't ever even seen the lady before in my life, and we hadn't really been talking or anything as we passed we were just holding hands and kind of taking in the autumn air. We kind of laughed about it later, but not in like a mean way. More like we were laughing because we didn't know how else to go about what she said. We got to my house and talked to my mom for a bit and then just kind of hung out in my room. A week or so ago we had this big discussion about being little and eating lunchables and how they were the best thing ever. So when I was at the store I bought two lunchables for us. We had a chicken taco one and a hamburger one. We halved them, and also had some pizza. We sat there eating lunchables in my living space watching the Cash Cab. Then we had some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. It was so fun, because we weren't worried about anything and we weren't trying to act our age, we were just doing what we wanted. After we ate we laughed about eating lunchables and sprawled out on the couch and watched Cash Cab some more. Then I think we just kind of hung out in my room, but I don't quite remember. Saturday he came over again (as I said in my last entry) When he got here we went to my room and conversed a litte. Then we tried to watch the movie The Science of Sleep but it's so random it's hard to pay attention. It's one of those movies that really satisfies your eyes but not so much your mind. Then we had a tickle fight, and he cheated ;] actually, he didn't, but I lost so he cheated. We were only half way through the movie and decided to just stop it. We fooled around after that and tried something new, but I'm not going to go into detail on that because it feels kind of rude to me. After that we went on a walk and he skated, I ended up not wanting to skate (my knee has been hurting really badly lately) so I took pictures of him skating. After he was done we went up to the old schools, which is one of my favorite places to go, and sat on the fire escape. I took pictures of him up there, and then he went below the fire escape and I went higher up on it and we played catch with my camera case. Then I got kind of scared from being so high up and climbed down very slowly. Right next to the escape is this decent sized tree and it kind of shadows it (half way up the escape you can just pull branches off it it's so close) so we sat at the bottom of it, took some photos of each other and just talked. It was kind of chilly and there were a lot of bugs out, and as much as we didn't want to go back we eventually started walking home. After we got home we helped my stepfather clean up (he was home for the weekend) and then he left and we went back in the house. We fooled around some more and then just kind of laid around. After awhile we made some of my awesome homemade brownies (he didn't believe they were really from scratch) and then decided to make chicken Parmesan for supper. My parents were eating across the street at the neighbor's cookout. As we waited for the chicken to cook we went in the living space and watch the food channel (since we were hungry) We ate our meal, which turned out really well and had some brownies. Then we watched Frailty, which is about murder by God's hand. It was really good. After it was over we just laid together and pretended like we were sleeping over. He was laying on his back and I was on my side I was caressing his cheek and slowly he started to nod off, which is this first time he's ever done that. Laying there in the dark with him felt so safe and wonderful. It felt small too, because I thought of all the things out in the world I could be doing and all I wanted to do was lay there. Eventually my mom said it was time for him to go home, which it was but I wish it hadn't been. He can't come over next weekened because he's gone so much. Which I think is kind of silly, he's only ever gone on Friday and Saturday. We never hang out on Sunday, and he doesn't go anywhere throughout the week. Oh well I guess. We hung out on Thursday too, I didn't mention that before. We went to the record store and the owner talked to me and him. He ordered like..8 records and I bought some incense. Ric, the owner of the record store, talked to me about Dar. He asked if I was keeping him out of trouble and winked at me, and then we talked about school and stuff. Dar doesn't think anyone in the record store really knows his name, but Ric said it to me and I told him that and I could tell it made him feel nice even though he'd never say that. Well, that's all for now, I know that was really long, I just wanted to save those days. Quote of the Day: ~“Happiness consists not in having much, but in being content with little.”~ --Marguerite Gardiner

It's Saturday, but I feel like writing. I wrote all this stuff down in English class, but now I don't feel like typing it all up. So, maybe I'll do that tomorrow. On Thursday I wore the navy sweater to school. I wasn't sure if Dar would really like it or not, but he did. He said I looked really nice, and then he said something like how I always look nice but on that particular day I looked really vibrant. It made me feel really nice, and lately I've noticed more when he calls me beautiful and makes my stomach flip, and not just because he makes me feel good, but because for the first time in a very long time I am really starting to feel beautiful. He also says that it's really nice that I don't have to wear showy shirts and look like a slut in order to look nice. That made me feel really nice, because I never really expected he would say that. He's coming over in a bit and he's going to teach me to skate some more, and we're going to watch some movies. It will be nice. I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower in two days. It's wonderful, really. Two separate people I know told me I was a lot like Charlie, and come to find out, they are right. Many of his letters are almost exactly like some of my entries. I finished the book when Dar was over last night (he was looking at band stuff on my laptop) and when I did I told him it was amazing and he asked what it was about and how it ended, so I told him. His reaction kind of surprised me, he said the book sounded really sad. Which I guess in the end, it really was, but it was sad in an optimistic way. The book kind of arose a few question in myself. I'm kind of wondering if I'm 'participating' in life. Part of me says I'm not. Yet, at the same time, it depends on what you consider participating. I think perhaps Bill wants Charlie to do normal things, like dances and such, but to Charlie those things aren't normal. Which, I guess to me, it's the same. So in the end I have no answer, just a question that has no answer. That's how a lot of things are. I flipped out on my English class yesterday, and before that on this kid in my Chem class. I also got to listen to this dumb bitch complain about Obama being a 'towel head' and listened to her being racist in an indirect way. It's funny, because she started reading a bible afterward, and Obama is a Christian..haha. Also, she draws in her bible, how disrespectful. haha.l I hate people. Oh, she also didn't give any reasoning whatsoever as to why McCain should be prez, which just added to her stupidity. So basically, I kept snapping on people yesterday. I snapped on Jon (the kid in chem) because he wouldn't shut the fuck up and kept arguing with Ali about music. (which of course she had to argue back) So I leaned forward looked him in the eyes and said something like 'No more, No more talking, No more questions, No more music, No more arguing, shut the hell up, go it?' He just kind of looked at me and Ali started laughing so I shot her a look, because she was part of the problem too. Then, in English we had the write on these big pieces of paper and Mic brought over an extra on accident and threw to my group (Ali and me) so Ali makes a big deal and keeps giving back to him and he keeps giving back to her. So I ripped the paper from his hands marched over to the place where the extras were suppose to go slammed it down muttered something about dumb people (which is where Mrs. D says 'uh-oh') Turn to face them, throw my hands in the air and say in a raised voice 'Wow! That was so difficult, I am so very tired, I'm going to go take a nap now' and they all just kind of stared at me and no one spoke for a long time. I hate snapping like that, but god damn, is any of that really needed? They're all so very petty, and they talk and talk and talk, and then they yell and yell, and it's never quiet, and I just want some quiet. I feel really tired lately, like I just want to run away from school and hang out all day walking around town, where it's quiet. I've been cutting down on my escapism, and I think that may be a reason I'm feeling so snappy. I think I'm going to try and read Slaughter-house Five next. I have a lot of things I want to read. I wish I could just pause time. I also wish I could fast forward it. I also want to read Peter Pan. I have so many books I want to read =\. Time just feels like this big hourglass and it just keeps running out of sand, and I'm just sitting there watching it helplessly. This is getting pessimistic and I'm hungry. Quote of the Day: ~"You may delay, but time will not."~ --Benjamin Franklin

I took the day off of school, eve though I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that in a different entry. Mom and I spent the day running about town. First to the mart, then to wal-mart, then to kohl's, ad finally to cut my hair. The perfume that I have has been discontinued. Gr. I'm really picky about perfumes, so this is kind of annoying. I found one really similar, but it's three times as much. Mom bought me a thick knee length knit sweater for the winter. It buttons up and has a tie on the waste. I really like it, all though it's kind of heavy. I also got this cute halter top with a great design on it for $4! Then I got a sweater I've longed for. I'll find a photo. It's one that has the huge necks on it that scoop down, and it's navy. It looks really smashing on me. Mom said next time we go back I should get a few more like it. I think my sense of style is finally taking a definite shape. http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/juniors/sweaters/PRD~352014/Its+Our+Time+Ribbed+Cowlneck+Sweater.jsp ^ that's the sweater I got. I really love it. I hadn't missed any school before today, but who am I kidding? I'll never have perfect attendance, I'm much too sickly. I got my hair cut like a china doll. It's just not as short. I think it look really nice. I really like myself better with short hair, I think it makes me look much more mature. Dar doesn't get to see my hair until tomorrow, I know he is excited. So, my day was wonderful, I love spending time with my mother. It's so ice when we get on well. Now, I'm just relaxing and watching some cartoon set in medieval times. See you Sunday Quote of the Day ~"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time." --Anna Freud