I really really really don't want to leave eight more days of paradise...let's make it last, okay kiddo?

7/19 Life seems to be making sense now. Last night was amazing. If I thought I was going to miss it here before, I was mistaken. I'm going to miss it here so terribly. I don't ever want this summer to end. Last night everyone except me in The House (Rus's house) rolled. We all went out to this clearing in the woods. There's a trail that leads out there. It was about 2am when we went out there. I talked mainly to my sister and Fre. Fre is really cool, I think I relate most to him out of everyone in The Group. I got a really nice body high. A few days before last night Fre was talking to me and he was saying that since everyone would be rolling I might get a body high. I was kind of skeptical about it, but it was pretty neat. Anyway, Fre and my sister would keep swaying and then I'd find myself swaying with them. Fre and I talked about chi for a while, we talked about a lot of things though. I spotted the virgo contellation in the sky. There were nine of us out there that night. I wish I could describe how it felt out there, but I really can't. Fre, my sister, and I walked back to The House at about 5:30. My sister and I decided to leave, we then drove around teh countryside for about an hour and just talked. Dawn came and everyhting was lit up, it was a bit foggy in the distance, but so beautiful. I was telling my sister how I was feeling and I couldn't put a word on it. Then it dawned on me, I was happy. This happiness isn't a sort of synthetic, excited happiness. I'm not infatuated or amped up about something. I'm content, it's more than just being content though. I don't know how to explain it really, but it's an amazing feeling. I love it at The House and with The Group. I feel like I belong. Most, if not all of them, come from broken homes, we can all relate to one another. They all have such different personalities, yet they come together so easily. I'm truly going to miss these people. I think I'm going to try and come back for christmas break. Rus was talking to me and he said ' you know kathlynn, I'm really going to miss you. You've been a sort of staple in our group.' I asked him how, and he said I was quiet, but I somehow brought everythign together. It was a nice feeling. Then he proposed the idea I come down for christmas. He said they'd be having a big christmas this year. Fre asked if I'd be around for his bday, but I won't. I think one of the reasons I don't want to leave is that I don't want to come back and everything be different. I just want now to last forever. It's really nice that I've found somewhere I feel at home. I have something/somewhere to look forward to. I do miss home, but home doesn't give me the feeling I get here. When I'm here I don't feel such a need to overthing everything. I still do, but not to such an extent. I don't have to worry so much here, there's no need for it. I was thinking about home yesterday and part of me said 'I don't want to think about home' and another side felt bad, thinking I was being selfish. But I realized being selfish is something I need to learn how to be. Not in a rude slef centered way, but in a way that I worry about myself for once, and not everything/everyone else. I have so much to say about this, but it would become redundant. As I've gotten to know everyone in The House I can relate to all of them more, and I grow more fond of everyone each time I see them. This is one of those times I will look back on in the future, and long to come back here, to this exact moment. Quote of the Day: ~“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”~ --Lao Tzu

7/17 Things are only as scary as you make them. But how do you go about something with little to know fear? Courage, is what I'm talking about of course. But how much courage do you really have? How much do I? Do you even know? Is there a way to measure courage? Have you ever asked a friend if you were courageous? I'm sure you've asked at least one of them if you were pretty or handsome. So why not worry about things like courage? Perhaps it's because courage isn't skin deep, so we don't bother asking if other people thing we have it or not. Which is kind of sad really. When was the last time someone said something to you and it stuck in your mind. Something that in a year from now you will remember? I don't mean something that sounded it like it was from a movie. But something that made you think, or made your head tilt and realize that they really are an amazing person, or that they have deeper thoughts then what you figured. When was the last time you said something like that to someone? We are so hung up on our looks, but not hung up on our words. I wish we were. I really do. And I'm not saying that I'm never hung up on my appearance, I do think about it, but I also try to think about what I'm saying. It never comes out right, but at least I'm thinking about it. I suppose if we all talked like poets words wouldn't mean so much to us. I don't mean I want to see people talk like poets. Just to see people who really think, and give thought to what they're saying. I love seeing someone like that, even if they're just BSing. Maybe I'm putting to much thought into this, like I do with most things. 7/18 I didn't really realize how much I'm going to miss this place until last night. We were sitting around at Rus's and TJ says "I'm going to miss you when you're gone, Kathlynn" and then my sister and Rus said it. Even Lil said it. I really am going to miss them, and all these crazy experiences I've had since I've come down here. Last night we went to this clearing in the woods and laid a blanket out. We just laid out there and looked at the stars. We had the puppies with us (there are three of them, TJ's Kilo, Rus's Cross, and my sister's Corona) They played around us, my sister and TJ drank, and we just sat out there talking. It was so peaceful and nice. I'm even going to miss just sitting around Rus's house, watching all the visitors talk and laugh. It's nice, even though I'm a good 4-5 years younger then most of them, I feel at home there. Arnol keeps telling me I can't leave for this amount of time again, but I'm going to. I can't wait to come down here again next summer. I love everything down here. So far I've created wonderful memories of family, nature, swimming, new friends, coming out of my shell, reading, trying new things, learning to feel comfortable, and many other things. I wish I had a video camera in my eyes, and I could take the tape out when I pleased, so I could watch this summer over and over again. Next summer I'll return a little older and a little wiser, I hope it will be just as good then. I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. But I really am going to miss this place. I'm very happy with how everything has turned out, and I know I will definitely come back next summer. I'm not sure why I've been writing so much lately. It's kind of nice though.. Quote of the Day: ~"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely."~ --Becky Aligada I don't know who she is, I tried looking up her name, but just that quote came up. If anyone knows, could you please tell me? I love this quote.

People can make some of the most beautiful things, and still be in total misery. Some of the greatest artist and writers took their own lives, despite having made incredible works. Most artists or writers I respect were alcoholics. Some of the most happy people I know were ignorant in ways, they didn't know how to appreciate good art or good writing. Or any art or writing in general really. This is sounding sort of offensive...but I have a point, I promise. Maybe because they can't appreciate or enjoy the amazing things they can't see the negative things. Agh, this isn't coming out right! This is exactly what I mean when I say something gets lost in translation. I wish I had a typewriter. Someday I will buy one. Did you know that the qwerty keyboard was made to slow people down? So they wouldn't jam their typewriters. My sister and I were at her friend's house. (Rus, the owner of the house, is funny in a mean way, but still funny...Fre is quiet and loud at the same time, he's nice...TJ is loud and obnoxious, but funny and nice...Lil is Fre's younger sister, she's kind of an idiot, Gar comes around a bit lately, he's really nice..there are always other visitors around) Now that we have the run down of the house. My sister and I were at Rus's house, everyone I mentioned was there. We were listening to Sublime, and then when the cd was over my sister told me to go get my Iron & Wine from the car and put it in. I was really doubtful, I didn't expect anyone there to like it. I got it anyway, and half way through Fre is like ' who picked this out' shyly I said I had then he says 'wow, what a great choice, I love this!' Once the cd was over everyone agreed they liked it. Then Fre gets up and says 'that cd was so awesome I'm going to play it all over again' I don't know why I'm talking about this. I guess I'm just trying to stop thinking so much. I wish I had a switch that just temporarily shut my brain off. Like I could put it on a time limit ' shut off for -:--:--' Someday I will be able to write something down, and it make perfect sense. And come out exactly how I want it to. Someday. I haven't been doing my Quote of the Day....The last few entries I've made I wrote to myself in an email, then posted them..so that's why. Anyway Quote of the Day: ~"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. "~ --Author Unknown

I thought about death again today, and decided maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Almost as if i had come to terms with the thought of dying. Perhaps this is just another one of those momentary feelings or thoughts. Perhaps it's not. It seems as time goes on and things change so do out priorities. I know that's a very obvious thought, but I was thinking of that in depth today. Things on our to-do list or our 'important things/people' list get moved up and down. Most things will eventually either be kicked off the list entirely, forgotten about, or eventually accomplished. Growing up the most important thing to most of us was getting that new toy, or going to play with your best friend. Then we get a little older and most of our thoughts are on the opposite sex. Of course, once we realize the opposite sex (or same sex for some) has so much to offer us, we keep them on the list. Once we get out of this stage we focus on making a life, getting a job, extending your schooling. Then it's time to settle down, find a good spouse, have a few kids, buy a house, and get a dog for the kids. Then we raise the kids, watch them go through the phases we did, move them out, retire, and wait for death. We are in such routines, and we don't even try to break free. In fact, we like it this way. I don't know where I'm going with this really, I didn't even mean to start talking about life's routines. I think if I die tomorrow and I have helped at least one person, or am remember in favor by one person I will be okay. This world has so much to offer, but I think we've just stopped looking. We take solace in our routines and never move on. Dying young is a tragedy in ways, and a blessing in others. Maybe I'm just being to favorable to death right now. I can only hope that death will be a lot more simple then what life has been. I was thinking about God today. I think about it/him a lot. Even though I am agnostic, I feel there must be something out there. Perhaps it's not that I think that there has to be, but that I want there to be. Sometimes I wish I just had a big book of answers, and I could use it from time to time. Then again, that would take the 'fun' out of life. The sun is about to set over the trees, we're in the mountains. I wish things were simple like nature. You don't have to question nature, it's there, it's always been there, it will always be there...Perhaps that's how I should go about everything. No questions asked..it's there because it's there, it happens because it happens, there is no real reason, it doesn't need a reason. It's there... If only. I'm not sure what's on my mind anymore. I think about a lot of things. I have a lot of ideal thoughts, even though I know I shouldn't. It tends to ruin things. With Sam Beam singing in my ear one of the most pretty lines I've heard, I sit here contemplating anything and everything there is to contemplate. "Please, remember me Happily by the rosebush laughing with Bruises on my chin. The time when we counted every black car passing" It reminds me of when I was little. My friend Josh and I were running around my yard, and I ran into our huge rosebush. I'll never forget that. We also used to hide behind his bushes when we saw a black van, we thought all black vans were kidnappers. I was thinking about writing again. I'm not sure if I can anymore. I haven't tried in a long time. I don't want to write anymore murder stories. I want to write like Bukowski, I want to make an alter ego...I want to write it in journal form. I think it would be silly though. I wish I could still write poetry. I don't think I can anymore though. I thought about painting the other day, but decided not to. I wish I hadn't given up on myself so easily. I wish I had tried a little harder and given myself a little more credit. I wish I had listened when I was receiving compliments. When I write it's like something gets lost in the transition from my mind to mouth. Something is just lost in translation. God, if you're out there. Take care of that kid. He may have made a lot of mistakes in his life, but he's trying to make up for it. I wish I could make some sort of deal with You, but I'm not sure how. If I figure it out, I'll make one. I know I don't have full faith in you, even as I type this now, and I am completely undeserving of anything I ask you. But please, I beg, take care of him.

7/12 Why is it arguing with friends hurts the most? And no matter how right you are, you still feel wronged. Why is it so hard to just say you're sorry first? Even though you know they're dying to hear it just like you are. Do you fight to test one another, or is there really no reason at all? Do some people have reasons? Why are we always sorry for the things we shouldn't be sorry for? Or for the things we really can't control? Perhaps we do fight to test one another. Perhaps we do a lot things to test one another. Perhaps we don't. It seems to me that some of the best lyrics Ive ever heard came from some of the softest voices. I think one of the main reasons I fear death is because I don't want to be forgotten. Which I feel I will. Is there any real reason to fear that though? If everyone dies, we will all meet again..right? It seems that people are always saying not to let the little things get to you, or not to get wrapped up them. But how long can you look at the big picture until you get bored? Why is everything so complicated and contrary? Why can't things just be simple...if they were simple would we want them to be complicated? I'm suppose to go to a party in a little while. I'm not fully sure if I want to. I really just want to take a nice long swim, and calm down. That's mostly because I love nature though. Nature to me can be like a security blanket. It's comforting and it's not going anywhere soon. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the comfort of nature. I appreciate a lot of things, but nature is at the top of my list. Why are people so hesitant to forgive for petty things? Or hold grudges for petty things? Why don't we all try to cause as little negative energy as we can? Then again, I think negativity is just part of human nature. If you gave someone the same type of chocolate everyday for a year, they'd grow tired of the chocolate you're giving them. What if you gave them three types..and altered them every three days? In a pattern..would they still grow tired of it? You're giving them variety..just in order? 7/13 I think a fallen tree is one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Something so beautiful, so powerful lying rotting on the edge of an interstate. I swear I could write like Henry or Hemingway if I just tried a little harder. It always seems if I just did something a little more, or with a little more effort I could have it. But then again, do I really want it? If I could write like them, I'd never do it. I swear to it. I never would. I'd never touch my pen to paper as long as I lived. Have you ever looked closely at a leaf from a tree? What did you see? Did you just see a leaf? Did you see life? Chlorophyll? I could spend all day outside just studying blades of grass. What do you do when you finally get something you want? Something you have longed for? You've chased and chased, now it's yours..but you still feel like you should be chasing? Camden told me to enjoy it...how exactly do I do that? Dar seems to care way more than what I ever thought he could be capable of. It makes me feel nice, but it makes me unsure of myself. I'm not exactly sure why. I over-analyze things to the point of obsession..I'm not sure if that's okay or not. As usual, I'm not sure of much. I am sure of one thing though..and that's that I need to go take a shower and stop thinking so damn much. No good can come from it. I swear.