What a great two days I've had. Actually..they've been hell. First, I fight with my childhood friend because she's a spoiled little brat. She thinks her parents are oh so mean because she needs new clothes, make up, and hair prodcuts. Maybe if she didn't shop at the most expensive stores possible, didn't wear 2 pounds of make up, and didn't need 10 hair products to make her hair look the same as it always does, she would have all the shit she wants. It's not even like she doesn't get whatever she wants whenever she wants it. She is spoiled rotten. She is greedy. I love her to death though, and I could never stop being friends with her. We've been friends for 7 years now. I ended up apologizing and taking the high road, of course everything is peachy keen now. She's still the same spoiled person, she always will be and my words will never change that. That was last night. Then today, I got in a big screaming argument with my abusive boyfriend. Yeah..I'm throwing that out there. Hence, what I can never talk about in this journal. Anyhow..we got into a fight and he held me down and I felt like I was suffocating, so I started hitting his back to get him to stop, he smashed his face against mine, and then bites my cheek as hard as he can. I scream and start yelling to get out of my house. He leaves my room, I lock the door. He calls my mom to pick him up and take him home. (while crying hysterically) He still isn't sure if it's over. It is. I wrote him a letter to clarify (there is no way in hell I'm getting near him) and a sent photos of the big bite marks on my cheek. I'm very scared right now in all honesty. I'm scared and paranoid. I'll be leaving soon, for AR. The original plan was wait until I'm going to leave, break things off and try to enjoy my summer alone. That didn't work out. These marks look so bad. I showed a friend a photo of them, and he said they should go away in a few days..I hope he's right, I feel like a freak show. So that was the first part of my day. Now as I was talking to a dear friend I was telling him how I wished a different friend was online. And he asked why an I said 'because he is comforting and nice to talk to' and he got mad. Which okay..he's mad..that's okay. But I listen to him talk about Suss (my childhood friend) every fucking day, and I never say anyhting. Just randomly he'll be like 'suss is so cool/cute/funny/etc' whatever he wants to put in that day. It's annoying, but I don't get pissy because I know Suss means something to him. So how can he do that to me? Especially with all the shit I just went through..you've got to be kidding. He reads this, so he'll most likely see all of it. I don't care. How could you do this trev? Why? Why right now out of all times? =\ I feel so lonely. I can't wait to be away from all this, all these people that just make me feel awful. I've been feeling really lonely lately, to top off all the other shit feelings I have. woo... I'm kind of happy though...in a way..I'm out of my abusive relationship. It's been almost two years now since we started dating. Probably about a year he's been abusing. I have a different journal that explains all of it, I haven't written in it in a long time. It's not like the people tried to make me feel lonely..I'm not blaming them..I just do. I feel really useless, most the people I know I help out, but they've all been helped/helped themselves, and they're okay now. I have no one left to help, I'm useless. I don't know.. I have so much on my mind. It just doesn't seem like anyone understands what's going through my mind. Maybe one person..but I don't know.. I hope I come back a new person after this summer. I don't know what I'll do if I come back and still feel awful.. I don't really want to think about it either. I'm leaving the 7th so if I don't post much after that, don't worry..not that you would, but just in case. I don't like to just disappear on people. Anyways..I think I need to get off to bed..these past days have really taken a toll. Especially today with all that.... Here's the link to my other journal, I have no reason to hide it. : -link removed- I don't need that dead weight anymore. Quote of the Day: ~"“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”~ ---Mark Twain Take care.

Big Five Test Results Extroversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.
Accommodation (76%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex).
Orderliness (72%) high which suggests you are overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun.
Emotional Stability (36%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Inquisitiveness (66%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com This was very accurate. stolen from: caitlinsspecial.

I just read CurtneyIsASuperher0's journal. I have read hers. I also like the song Jesus Christ. If you haven't read her latest journal you're probably lost. Anyways, thanks Curtney, for the compliment on being introspective. I tend to find that part of me (which is a big part of me) slightly annoying. So, thanks. :]

I have been thinking of death a lot. It captivates me for some reason. I am fearful of it. It's that fear that riddles my mind with questions. What will death be like? Will we feel ourselves fade out of this world? How will we feel when we are fading? What happens once we die? Will we float up to the clouds and stand in front of pearly gates? Will we take a new body, remembering nothing from the past life. Will there be nothing? No god, no afterlife, no reincarnation...just nothing? How can that be? There must be something..there must. Death seems to be so untimely, so unconventional. Not that it is meant to be conventional or timely.. How can there be a body with no person inside? It all seems so surreal to me. People with so much potential, so much to look forward to die so easily. Life and death is a matter of seconds. We are ticking bombs, waiting to detonate at any moment. I could die tomorrow, so could you. Everything you know, everything you love, hate, cherish..all of it gone in a split second. Time seems to me to be the most precious thing we have. Yet, time is really nonexistent. You can not touch it, nor feel it, nor see it, nor hear time. It's in your mind really. If you asked someone if they'd like to be immortal, most would say no. They wouldn't want to live forever, all their loved ones would die, and they remain. Which is true, but what if we knew there was nothing after life..just emptiness..do you think that would change people's opinions? If the bible and all that is right, I will burn in hell. Which I am for the most part okay with... If Muslims are right I might be an animal..most likely I would be. I haven't been the best person, and I have much time (or seemingly) to mess up. I'm okay with that as well. I'm okay with most the afterlives shown to us by religions. I am not okay with empty..with nothing. I want to remember. If I am to live in an isolated world, never to see the face of another living being again, so be it. As long as I can remember. I've probably said this all before. Death is on my mind a lot lately. Someone told me to think of lighter things. Don't think of death or creation, but think of things like history or literature. Everything reminds me of death though. Flowers...wilt and die. History..I think of wars..wars WWII..the holocaust, mass slaying...death. Literature, I think of Hemingway, who killed himself. I don't know I'm just rambling.. Quote of the Day: "These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness And in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow." -Friar Laurence Romeo & Juliet I realize that kind of goes against my rules..since no actual person said it (except actors and Shakespeare) However, I find this line very interesting...because of the meaning, and because powder..as in gun powder was not around in Romeo's time..Shakespeare messed up on that.

I feel so very lost and confused right now. I have been doing absolutely nothing but thinking for the past 30 minutes. I've drawn no conclusions. That was really productive. So I decided I would write it all down in my journal. Because I know you all just clinging to my every word. I only watched Donnie Darko twice today. That's because I wasn't home, and I watched the director's cut, which is longer. I've been completely dissecting that movie. There was something I had confused in it, I was talking to r.a.s about. she said: 'hmm, im sure youll figure it out you live and breathe DD' Haha. She's right though. I have become really obsessed with this movie. I even think about it when I'm not watching it. I can recite most of it by now. My msn name has a line from it, and so does my post message. I even dream about it. Last night I dreamt I was getting on a train to leave for summer vacation. Someone I know that has become decently significant to me was standing outside of it. They had walked me to the station. Frank's voice came on saying 'Don't leave.' So, I got off the train. I saw my friend still standing there, and when I walked up behind them they turned around, but it was Frank. And then all the doors in the station were covered with glass, but I couldn't bust it open. Frank was gone but his voice said, 'Find a way, it's more obvious then you think.' My friend was on the other side, and right when I had found the way, I woke up. I think what I have done is replaced all my real problems and worries with that movie. Oh well.. I had a discussion with a friend, about how I'm so closed off and refuse to ask other's for help, etc. It kind of hurt..but I kind of needed it I guess. It's hard to face something like that. I really just wanted to shut him out. I don't know, I don't want to talk/think about that anymore. I feel very useless lately. I never get anyhting accomplished. I do..but I don't know..it's hard to explain. It's like I'll accomplish something and by time I get it done, I'm bored with whatever I was doing. I'm looking forward to this summer, but I'm really apprehensive about leaving. I can't explain why I'm apprehensive. Well, I could, but I'm not going to. I should really go to bed. I'm just not tired. Tomorrow is mother's day. I have lines I should be memorizing, but I don't think I even bothered to bring the book home. I'm bleeding, but the wound itches. It's very annoying. Ha, I love when people say their about to leave, but then they don't. Shakespeare died on his birthday. April 23rd. I think he died in 1616? and was born in 1564? I'm not completely sure, but I'm not going to look it up. Why does skin swell? It's painful and I dislike it. I'm sure I could answer that question if I just took a little time to think. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. I've been thinking a lot about the afterlife. I don't believe anything the bible says. It's bullshit, and a lot is plagiarism. However, I don't deny the existent of God, yet I don't think there can be proof. So where does that leave the afterlife? I sometimes envy people who are religious, and have faith. They always have someone to be around, even if they might not exist.. It's like a free ticket to being crazy. You can talk to imaginary people, think about them, write about them, debate about them, lecture about them, preach about them, you can dedicate your whole life to them! Hell, some people even see them or hear them. Yet, they aren't stuck with names like schizophrenic. No, they're considered special! Religion is very odd. Anyways..I envy them because they are never alone, and they always have something constant in their lives. It's like...they have this odd sort of faith with this almost/if not imaginary being. How? There is no proof..a book of words written by man.. It's very odd to me. Every living creature on Earth dies alone. I really love that quote. It is so very true, but it's something you don't want to admit. So..I guess I'm going to start quoting it now. Oh well, at least it's a good movie to quote. This is getting kind of long. The search for God is absurd? It is if everyone dies alone. I was going to put the other part to that, but decided against it. It's kind of lengthy. I feel rather alone now. Sure, I have lost of friends. People who are willing to listen and help. But I don't have anyone in my life I want to go to for that help or ear, or even just to talk to. I feel like Callie. I'm not going to die, but crawling under the porch to be alone sounds pretty inviting right now. Haha, I bet someone reads this who dislikes me and says 'yeah, go do that, and die while you're at' hahhaha I can't wait until I can read over these entries and be so thankful I don't feel this way anymore. I can't wait to be well again. Dar used to always tell me how happy I was. I was one of the happiest people he knew. Now, he never says things like that. hey say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that... "destruction is a form of creation," so the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things. Someday, this will all be better. I promise. I wasn't quoting Donnie..even though that is very similar to a quote. Well, the first paragraph was one, but the sentence wasn't. I know, somewhere in my heart, it tells me that this will all be better. I will be well. I think this is more that enough as far as writing goes. Quote of the Day: ~"Cellar Door"~ --J. R. R. Tolkien Have a Mother's Day.

It's cold in my room, but I'm keeping the window open. The pitter-patter of rain on my window pane is one noise I could honestly live for. Next time your walking through the hall of your school, take a second to look around and just listen. The footsteps, the voices, the whispers, secrets, gossip, weather, teacher yelling, kids laughing, papers falling. It all just falls together. Next time your in the library look around, listen, feel, it's silent but there's still noise. There's always noise. Libraries are wonderful, filled to the brim with book, old, new, modern, aged. Shelves lined with them. It feels almost secretive. Which one do you choose? Who has read it before? Next time your walking outside, look around at the trees, at the light. The way light falls onto you. I don't know why I'm saying any of this. I stood out in the rain today for a good 30 minutes, just stood there. I looked around, and I thought some things, but most of my thoughts were absent. Donnie Darko just finished, for the 3rd time today. I'm starting it over. The ending is so great. I won't explain, in case you haven't seen it. It makes you almost ache inside, but you know it's for the best. It's a painful sort of happy. Self-sacrifice always is. Self-sacrifice really amazes me. It's one of those things that when people do it (which is rare) it makes you tilt your head in awe, and you almost want to ask them why? Hah, I must be a good bullshitter 'cause I told myself I'd right about my feelings, and this is what came of it. If I ever have a pet rabbit, I'm definitely naming it Frank, which reminds me...my cousin is suppose to give me a black rabbit. Woo Frank. Feeling time, seriously, Kat. I feel pretty damn worthless lately. I don't know if I've talked about this, if so, I apologize: I told my mom about how I feel. She said 'well, we can put you one medication for that.' Well, great mommy dearest. Precisely what I don't want. Anyhow, my sister called, and I talked to her, and then told her about it. She said I could come stay with her (Arkansas) and that it would be a sort of rehabilitation, or however she put it. She had a long rant about how mom doesn't know anyhting and that what she said to me is so typical her. I hope it all works out. My mother is preparing things, like checking on plane ticket or train tickets, so on. I'm trying not to get too stoked, if it doesn't work out, I don't want to feel really let down. Last night I spilled all my worries to a friend, and he was comforting , it felt kind of nice i guess. I don't know, I don't like talking about my feelings. (even though I'm forcing myself to now..hah) okay. I'm done. Quote of the Day: ~"Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. "~ -Harper Lee Did you know Harper Lee and Truman Capote grew up as neighbors and were good friend? If you didn't, now you do.

All the cool kids seem to be doing this. Fallen said is was 'scary accurate' or something like that. So, I gave it a go. http://www.colorquiz.com/ Your Existing Situation The existing situation contains critical or dangerous elements for which it is imperative that some solution be found. This may lead to sudden, even reckless, decisions. Self-willed and rejects any advice from others. That's right I guess. I've been kind of reckless lately, but with anger..and it says nothing about anger. Your Stress Sources The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision. That's true. However, I have high hopes to fix everything come summer. Your Restrained Characteristics Relationships rarely measure up to her high emotional expectations and her need to be made the center of things, leading to disappointment . Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. What the hell? hahah. The only part of that that was anywhere near true was about being left isolated. lol. Your Desired Objective Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself. Hm, I guess that's true. I'm an aries after all. Your Actual Problem The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be. This is all very true. For reasons you do, and do not know. (if you read my journal, that is.) Hm, well that soaked up some time. Note to self: write down all plans, in order to clear mind. Quote of the Day: ~"no quote."~