I want it to be warm out. Good god I'm sick of all this rain. It rained pretty much all break. I want to be able to go outside without getting drenched, or having my hands feel like they are about to fall off they're so cold. I never really have a whole lot to say on here anymore. I really really want to go swimming. I love swimming, even though it sucks in a way because I have really fair skin so I'm easily sun burned. I just want to be outside, I miss being outside so much. Even though I really don't care for fishing, I like to tag along because the fishing place my friend goes to is way out in the middle of nowhere. We have a secret pond. (you can't really see/find it unless you know where it is) It's so nice and quiet out there. I love it. Even though I would never swim there, because eek, that's kind of scary. It's still nice to just walk around out there. We were going to go last weekend because it was nice all afternoon, then it just starts pouring down rain. So, I've been reading about cults a lot. Yeah, I go from serial killers to cults..haha. Oh well, anyways. I've been reading about Jonestown, I really want to check out the book about it. Looking at the pictures of the bodies is so eerie, but at the same time so fascinating. Just imagine being there. Or better yet, being one of the people that left and were on the plane with senator Ryan (I think he was sen.) You think you are set free, that you will no longer be tortured and commanded. Then bam! Peoples Temple members come (people you used to know and live with!) and shoot your plane down, killing the man that could have just saved your life. Then back at camp, kids are being forced to drink cyanide, and anyone that refuses gets beat, if you try to run into the jungle, you're shot. There's like 5 surviving members, one of them lied down in a ditch pretending to be dead. You'd think more people would do that. I mean out of 909 people, who would notice if you were still breathing. If you were smart enough you'd hardly breath. The sheer number of it is what's so amazing. The fact that they didn't revolt. I mean, there were a few who did, but they were either beaten or pressured by the crowd. This is just another way religion is a form of mind control. I'm not bashing religious people or anyhting, I'm just saying, religion is the easiest way to control people. Quote of the Day: ~"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can."~ ---Julius Caesar (I had no intentions of writing about cults..hahah. I don't know how my thoughts turned onto that.)

I'm so out of it tonight. I had an extremely difficult conversation with an old friend lat night. He was able to pinpoint a major problem in my life without me saying a word. I was so shocked, I nearly admitted to everything that's happened, everything I keep locked inside. As he became angry with the situation, (it wasn't at me, it was at someone else that does something. I'm leaving it at that, you can make whatever connections you wish) I began lying. I just wanted him to oblivious. Ignorance is bliss, this is something he needs to be ignorant about. Anyways, I lied to him, he finally believed me. He wants to meet up this weekend. I know I'm going to get questioned a lot. I know I'm going to breakdown, I'm fearful of telling him everything. I'm fearful of having so much trust in one person. I almost want to blow him off, but i can't. I'm so apprehensive, I'm shakey, I can hardly type, I can't think straight, I'm spacing out, I'm scared.. I wish I could explain this all right now, to all you strangers. I wish I could, but I just can't.

Lately everyone has been unloading their drama onto me. Not in a rude way, more like seeking my help. Someone I was close with a long while ago confessed his 'love' for me. What the hell? No. He doesn't love me, he doesn't know what love is. We argued about it last night until about 3am. He's now blocked from everything....again. Before he was blocked because he was just a jackass. Now I just don't want to deal with his attention seeking bullshit. On to other things. Another close friend has been really depressed lately. I've been there for him as much as I can, but I can only give so much help. I'm not a professional. He's finally agreed to see someone. I really hope he does, and doesn't just lie to me. He was hesitant at first because of what friends would thing. But if a friend's opinion changed because you are in therapy then they were never friends at all. There have been others that I give advice to, and act as a vent for. Which I love, you know, I love helping them out. I've just lost myself in all of this. I feel so worn out from it all. I looked up Arnol (the one who moved without a goodbye.) on myspace. I added him to msn, after affirming I was Kat about three times. I'm happy to have him back in my life, but part of me feels really hesitant. I'm not sure why. Before he left he was one of my closest friends. He looks good though, like he's lost a bit of weight. I hope he's happy. I painted today, it was more like a tester. I was just messing with some ideas. I feel like there's a lot of weight on my shoulders. To help all these kids out. I want to help them more than anything, I want to dedicate my life/career to helping people. However, right now I'm wondering, 'am I strong enough to take on other's problems? do I have any room to give them advice when I'm fucked up myself?" I've wanted to be a psychiatrist since 4-5th grade. So what? 4-5 years now this is what I've wanted to do with my life. I'm so scared I'm going to go through all that schooling and find out it's not my calling after all. I want to just go get lost in the woods. Just escape all of this. All of these people, all of these problems. All of my problems. All of these thoughts. There have been a lot of things on my own minds to be honest. A lot of things that make no sense to me. A lot of feelings that I shouldn't be feeling at all. I thought I really wanted something, and now it could possibly be happening, and I'm second guessing everything. I wish I could just be certain on one thing in my life, just one thing. That's all I ask. I want to help people so badly...but is it me who needs help? I act so calm and cool on the outside, but inside I'm this nervous mess. I've given up on so many things in life already, why not just add this? It's just a career, I could do something that's much more easy. Less schooling, less money to pay. Less debt to be in. I'm not even sure anymore. Sometimes I think I take on all these people's problems to divert my attention from my own. I bottle so much shit up. I tell one person one secret, another person another one, but I never tell anyone the complete story. I just don't think they'd want to listen. Or even care. They wouldn't have any advice for me. Like most people, they'd just turn the conversation back to themselves. Forgive me for being so pessimistic lately, I've been really down about the human race as a whole. There's maybe (maybe) 4 people I really enjoy talking to lately. That seems so sad to me. A lot of nights I block all the kids who annoy me on my list, there's usually on three left, our of like 15-17 people. Damn..I need to lighten up. Go listen to Driver Side Impact-The Reason We Sleep The way he yells WE'VE FOUND A CURE! is grand. It's like a raspy yell. I love it. Quote of the Day: ~"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."~ --Mahatma Gandhi

To Jacklyn: (sorry other readers) Okay, good. haha. Mine is set as blue too, haha. I used to always have it as the red one. And hey, If memory serves last time I told you to add me via msn you said you had aim. Well, my aim is mimsywasi@aim.com if you want to add me. Same goes for anyone else who wants to add me. Sorry again to anyone who reads this. ~no quote~

Agh, Jacklyn. Your journal is private. =[ You're one of the only ones I keep up with.

So much for my runs, I've enjoyed running the past two days [I think?..maybe three?] It's snowing. Not like a light snow, it's coming down in sheets. Gr. For Easter I got a picture frame [for my cats..haha.], Hershey's bar, Reese's, haiku perfume, lotion, shower gel (all haiku scented), and a candle. It all came in this neat basket. [I collect baskets and boxes..only neat ones though. I have an awesome box for nail polishes, it looks like it's from the seventies.] Well, I enjoyed my running while it lasted. I guess I'll just have to continue waiting for it to warm up. I really hate when people don't have table manners. If they're kidding around it's okay, but if they are just disgusting it really bothers me. I was invited to a friend's house to eat easter dinner [lunch really.] and pretty much their whole family chewed with their mouths open. They chomped and slurped their food. It was awful. Maybe I'm just too proper..I don't know. The other day I went to lunch with Ali, she kept saying how I was so ladylike and proper. How my table manners were immaculate. I don't really think they are. I'm just not a slob. Hm, pet peeves.. "gry. ru yd. EafS Edit: That said Quote of the Day: and fuck firefox It switches my keys around.. Actual Quote of the Day: ~Every positive value has its price in negative terms... the genius of Einstein leads to Hiroshima."~ --Pablo Picasso ugjt ucp.urqv

Spring break started this afternoon. 2:05. I can't wait to kick it off tonight, kick what off? My runs..oh god, how I've missed them. It's been warmer out. I hope it stays warm. I hope I'm able to run every night. If somehow it starts raining before sunset I will go absolutely mad. And I'm not talking about some tea party here. I've been waiting so long for it to warm back up, I've been dying for spring. Here it is, at last. A time to clear my mind, a time to rid myself of excess energy, a time to love the moment. I've had a major headache the last two days, it's finally letting up. That must be some sort of sign. Tonight I'm even going to give myself a special treat, something I rarely allow myself to do. (yea, don't expect much..) I'm going to run to the old park and swing on the swing set. I know that seems plain silly, but I always tell myself 'twenty more minutes and you can' but by then I'm back home. Tonight I'm going to take time out for myself. I'm actually counting down the minutes, even though there's no certain time I run. It will probably be around nine. It's 5:45 now. 3 hours and 15 minutes. I can't wait. it feels like my skin is about to jump off, I'm so excited. I haven't done this in ages it feels. I re-organized everything in my tote, locker, and my room. Everything now has a proper place. I have post it notes (the tiny ones you stick in books) To mark what goes where. I have my small library of books in alphabetical order. I felt a lot better after I did that. Okay, that's enough for today. I'll try to post more in the future. Quote of the Day: ~"A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. "~ -E. E. Cummings (I've been reading some of his stuff. I'm patiently waiting for my Bukowski book to arrive. I'm also waiting the arrival of my new glasses and Alice in Wonderland necklace. (Alice from the book, not Disney.))

For the first time in a long time I thought about ending everything. I didn't look at the idea with guilt, sympathy, or slight happiness like I use to. I just felt nothing. Part of my mind said, 'hey, that'll be a righteous adventure.' So then I thought of all the reasons to stay. 8 people, 2 cats, some random things I enjoy. Why should I even stay here. Humans are the worst race in the animal kingdom. We are awful. The vast majority of us are morons who can't think for ourselves. For every intelligent/charming/caring individual there 10 others waiting to go around fucking things up, then blaming it on other humans. The other intelligent ones are arrogant/or/immature assholes. There's about three people that really understand me. That I don't dumb myself down for. I've never met two of them. Humans are selfish greedy bastards. Hinduism says if you are bad in your first like then you come back as an animal. Well yippee make me a fucking turtle for all I care. I just don;t want to be human. After that you become a plant; not as fun, but still fun. I might be a venus fly trap. Then an object; okay that sucks, but I don't see how you could fuck up being a plant. I'm getting off subject. Society just sucks, we are a shitty group of people. We need a cause, a world war, a major collapse in the economy, a global environmental emergency. Something! The people who are smart and genuinely good people get rejected by the vast majority of idiots, so that talking to them becomes an awkward mess. Then they grow up and are pretty awesome, most likely wealthy, but we won't know them then. And you know what they'll do? They'll marry some dumb broad who was the same bitch shunning some smart kid for his iq. What has happened to us? I'm sorry..I'm just ranting. I can't help it anymore, I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of these people, I'm sick of all of it. Quote of the Day: ~"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day."~ -F Scott Fitzgerald (don't worry kiddys I'm not going anywhere. These are just thoughts, not plans.)

I hate to do this, but this really just got me. "I'm a hypocrite, I know, because I first heard about them from Misery Business being played on MuchMusic, but come on, they've got a whole other album that I think is better than Riot! - Pressure is a really catchy and good song." -Schlechter Penguin I hate to tell you, but Pressure was their first big hit. Sorry. They got hyped before/during warped tour. That was the song everyone liked/was overplayed. Next time you are trying to tell people there are better songs then the singles, pick a song that isn't already a single. Thanks. I don't care for Paramore, but this just annoyed me. Quote of the Day: ~"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money"~ -Pablo Picasso (haha, I find my quote thing is catching on..I like seeing other people's versions of it.) sarcasm. I couldn't live without it. :]

Ahem- It has been brought to my attention that I have been caught cheating. Is that so? 05. eye color: Blue (Quit_Lollygagging copied off me, cheater cheater punkin eater. :P) Too bad I am older. April 17>July 20 Yea, I just won. (haha) Onto more important news. The wombatians have been planning for an attack on the west sanctum of Hell. The TKers have been making preparations for the brutal battle. The wombatians have been known to fight dirty; therefore, the TKers are sending out the dirtiest of dirty whores out to fight on the front lines. The wombatians won't know what hit them when these savages bitches come out. The TKers are declaring certain victory, the wombatians stand no chance. Leading the battle will be second in command TKer, Kim. (First in command TKer Kat is busy kicking some trendy's teeth in) In other news. Hell has been undergoing some changes from when Satan ran it. We have yet to decide upon a new flag, but a theme song has indeed been chosen. It is iron&wine's teeth in the grass. (if you haven't checked iron&wine out, do so now, or face some serious teeth kicking) thanks to Camden for showing me)) All filthys will now be wearing their badges to alert TKers they are tainted and kick worthy. The badges will be smiles, missing the two front teeth. Two cages have been brought into the filthys' section of Hell. The cages are for two unnamed filthys. (named thing 1 & thing 2) As for the rest of the filthys they will be immediately sent to the line of on duty TKers. Any filthy found on the TKers side of Hell will be severely punished. (ps. sorry to anyone who read this, it won't make any sense no matter how many times you read it. It's an inside joke.) TKers for life. ~no quote~ (what the fuck? This is the third time I've tried to post this??)