“I am what I am”. What I am is a person who can decide what she wants to feel, how she wants to feel it, and when she wants to feel it. Who can manipulate her every thought and emotion; who can put up a barrier without you even knowing it. I’m a person who can CHANGE. Who can be ten people at once, and not one of them being untrue to herself. I’m unpredictable at times, and thoroughly transparent the next. I can make you laugh, and I can make you cry. Make you want to jump out of a tree, and jump off a bridge. I can tell you what you want to hear, or say what you need to be told. I can be sweet, I can be bold. I can be cheesy, I can be realistic. I can be self-sufficient, I can be dependant. I can be everything you dreamed of, and your worst nightmare. I can tell jokes, and scary stories. Make you dream of a whole new world, or get mad at the one we live in. I’m all that and more, and that’s what you need to know, before you choose to take it or leave it.

No puedo dormir. Insomnio recorriendo por mis venas. ¿Es eso siquiera posible? Me mantienen despierta estos incansables pensamientos, corriendo a kilómetros por hora, yendo y viniendo; no hay un real propósito a sus gritos, pero lo hacen. Gritan, ríen, vociferan, recordándome que no tendré descanso esta noche. Burlándose, mostrándome imágenes de una mejor noche, mejor día, mejor semana, mejor año… No estoy triste, no realmente. Estoy nostálgica. Melancólica. Recordando planes y metas pasadas; preguntándome cuándo me separé de ellos; cuándo empecé a viajar por el camino que me trajo aquí. No me arrepiento, no realmente. Siento curiosidad. Sed de ese conocimiento: “¿QUÉ PASÓ?”. ¿Cuándo dejé de reconocerme en el espejo? ¿Cuándo empecé a mirarme al espejo? ¿Cómo no lo noté? ¿Fue acaso tan sutil el cambio? ¿Lo quería, inconscientemente? ¿Me perdí a mí misma? ¿Me encontré a mí misma? ¿O me reinventé?... ¿Quiero volver a lo que había antes? A veces dejo de girar y girar y sólo… recuerdo. Pienso en cada uno de los insignificantes y efímeros momentos de la más pura alegría… y risas… y sonrisas. Solían ser muchos. Mientras me hundo más y más en este nuevo tiempo, en esta nueva era, rápidamente se van perdiendo, aquellos más lejanos. Los extraño. No las memorias en sí, sino la forma en que me hacían sentir. Tan libre e imprudente… y joven. Con esa característica sonrisa e inocencia que se ven en los ojos de un niño. Extraño sentirme así.

I’ve dreamt of our reunion. We haven’t even said goodbye yet, and I’m already dreaming of the next time we see each other. It was nice. We were grabbing some coffee, and walking down the street, to a nearby park. We sat on a bench. And we just…started talking. “Catching up” We had grown. Both in age and in spirit. We weren’t those (these?) kids always fighting to get the upper hand. We just were, and loved it. I think it was the first time we saw each other since I left. It didn’t matter; there were no awkward silences or uncomfortable moments. You started the conversation. Asked me what I had been up to those past 5 years. You still thought of me as that naïve, innocent girl. You were surprised by what I was telling you, but your reaction was not a bad one. For the first time, you laughed with me, and asked more and more, instead of getting mad at me. It felt nice. And then, I woke up. I didn’t get to ask you anything. And now, I wonder. I wonder what it is that I could have asked. I wonder what would you have told me (the truth, like always? Or would you have lied? Is that “truth” the same as it once was, or is it a different reality the one you live in, like I always hoped for you to have?) It got me thinking. Do you think we will always have this? This easy-going relationship, where we just laugh our eyes off and enjoy each other’s silences? I certainly hope so. Because, no matter what may happen now, I know I’ve had a great time with you.

Hoy quiero ser feliz. No quiero pensar en lo mucho que me podés hacer sufrir. Quiero sonreír a la luna, que sale como todas las noches a cuidarme y arrullarme hasta hacerme dormir. Quiero sentarme en la vereda, y hablar con la pared, contarle de las cosas bellas que trabajo por tener. Decirle a las estrellas que estoy bien, que no me molesta que no todo salga como espero. Que agradezco siquiera la oportunidad de haberlo intentado. Quiero decirle a la noche, que no me hace mal estar a su lado, porque me ayuda a recordar, y eso nunca me hace mal. Quiero sentarme a ver estrellas fugaces, pretender que son aeroplanos en el cielo, volviendo a casa de un largo viaje, y saludar a los pasajeros, imaginando sus vidas, y viendo la dicha en sus ojos, al llegar junto a sus familias. Hoy, quiero recordar. Pensar en aquellos momentos donde mi rostro no podía contener mi felicidad; cuando pasaba horas y horas haciendo nada con quien amaba más. O mejor, con quienes sigo amando. Esos amigos a quienes parece que nunca agradecemos lo suficiente a la vida por ponerlos en nuestro camino. Quiero mirar al cielo, y decir “Gracias por MIS estrellas” Quiero mirar la luna caer y el sol nacer, y decirle que nunca se había visto más majestuoso. Que con el día que se fue comprendí que no tengo que tener más para ser feliz, que lo que tengo es suficiente para que me veas sonreír. Quiero saludar a los pájaros en su mañanero cantar, y decirles que no hay nadie que los pueda suplantar. Quiero mirar al cielo, tan azul y tan bonito, y decirle a mi madre lo mucho que la quiero, y agradecerle por todo lo que me enseña hoy. Quiero mirarte a los ojos, y decirte que no me duele, no en serio, y que hoy, elijo ser feliz, aunque no sea por ti.

I'd rather see you from afar, with a glass between us, shielding us both from our hurting words.

Sad? Never. These are just nostalgic tears you see running down my face. I could never think of you and be sad of what was, when remembering what went right is what keeps me up at night.

The backseat of a car, the best time that I’ve had. Going towards normal life, leaving behind those blissful times. Lingering kisses, soft caress, the promise of return, the promise of again.

How can I believe what your mind says, when I know what's hidden in your heart is waiting to break me down?

I’m turning my back on you. You, and the pain you put me through. You, the one always making me cry. You, the one always expecting more than I can get you. You, the one always claiming to love me, and never really showing it with more than words. You, the one who always chooses you over anything or anyone else, and never cared that I was always putting all of you first. You, who cannot live without me, and is trying to make me crave for you. You, you, you. YOU, whom I love with all in me. I say my farewell, tonight, with hopes of better days to us both, and a whisper to the wind, asking him to carry my love onto you.

I hate you, and your faceless form You took away the life inside that little body, took the innocence and love. Took away the happy stance and lovely smile; took away the pride and joy of being a child, because you thought they were yours to claim. Took advantage of the curtains coming down much too soon and told yourself it was what both of you wanted. I don’t know you, and I don’t need to know you. Don’t know your name, don’t know your place, don’t know your taste. But I don’t FORGET you. I don’t forget what you did. And I don’t forgive you taking away from that kid all that was theirs to give. And I don’t forgive you taking away what was surely to be the most beautiful thing I’d seen.