I don't expect anyone to say, 'I know exactly how you feel.' because, you don't. You really don't. You may be able to relate to what I'm saying but, it's not half of it. Trust me. I can't being to describe all the feelings and thoughts racing through my mind at this moment. So, if you happen to think 'Ooh, no big deal.' while reading this blog, just remember; I'm horrible with words. I can't get to the point. I lose my thought process. I don't know where to begin. I have no clue how to make you guys understand some of this stuff. Have you ever had the feeling that you just wanted to go out, and get drunk? Get so drunk you pass out for hours? Not because, drinking is 'cool' with all the teenagers now a-days but, because you'd like to see what it felt like to be so happy and oblivious to the world. And nothing else really matters. Everything's spinning, you have no time to think about all the things that dig in your skull, day after day. Or you don't even remember what happened that night, so if you said anything wrong, you could just take it back, so easily. You could just be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you a bitch. I was so wasted. I don't even remember last night.' Everything would be so much easier with that feeling. That way of living. It's so hard for me to talk to anyone. I'm so nervous talking to anyone about personal things. It's like I completly shut down. I just shake my head and look at my feet. I don't want anyone to think any less of me then they probably already do. I'm so scared of what people think about me. Not normal people, my friends and family. I'm so scared that they talk about me behind my back. Not necessarily in a bad way, but, continuing to talk about how worried you are about me. I trust about two people with my life. I won't name them, because, I don't want anyone to be disappointed. Even those two people, don't know close to my whole story, maybe one. I don't want to be consider a freak. And I don't want people to look down on me and my family. Because, maybe if you knew this little pieces of my life, you'd understand why my dad can be a hardass, my mom likes to drink, and my brother gets high. Just MAYBE you would understand. I really really don't like when other people talk about my family. I hate when I'm explaining something that happened to me, or something that my dad said to me, and you all tell me how rude they're being, and it's all their fault. I can tell you right now, it's not. My dad says a lot of things to me that emotionally hurt me, and break me up inside, but, they are very very truthful. And even though my family can be jerks, I know they'd be there for me, no matter what. Which is sometimes more then I can say about my friends.