Some people have emailed me regarding my journal. That's cool. : ) Actually, I love chatting with someone new. So for future reference, anyone can email me at blood_of_the_sic_maggot@yahoo.com [even though that's already on my profile here] or you can chat with me on MySpace at http://myspace.com/bob_ate_my_kit_kat I really don't mind, guys. Actually, I'm pretty bored now so it's completely cool. : D Entertain me. [Bipolar hasn't kicked in today! SCORE!!]

Bipolar, anyone? Now I feel so lost again. My anorexia is really starting to reoccur more and more. I guess when I speak of the ones who mean something to me, that awful thing just goes away. Aha - I spoke with a girl just a few days ago and she told me I should go bulimic, not anorexic - with bulimia, I could actually eat. Yes, but bulimia tears the esophagus to shreds. At least with anorexia I can eat after I recover. My friends don't even try anymore. Some of them, anyway. But she and I fight it together. : ) And I've been criticized more than ever for it. People don't understand the mind state I was in when I chose to - the depressive side of my disease. :/ But it's working, there's no doubt in that. Off that subject; where ARE all of my friends? No one is online. This Zac guy looks relatively interesting. How tempted I am to contact him and spark a conversation. Just a guy who seems like he can pack a punch of complexity into his simplicity, and that's something I admire greatly. But he'd never be interested in speaking with someone living on the other side of the country. Damn these cursed boundaries. I guess no one understands that I really just want to be with someone. As much as I claim to wish to be alone constantly, my heart is tugged on repeatedly with the longing for someone to hold me. That's something I've never actually felt before. Except that one time in NYC... but that's a different story and nothing special, except to me. The only reason I use this place as my journal is because my friends can't keep up with my entries, and I'd really rather they didn't. : D I don't mind a stranger reading, but if someone close to me ever laid their eyes on these posts, my face was burn with embarrassment. Ah how I want to start this band! I hope we can soon. My vocals and guitar skills must come a long way, though. When we turn eighteen, the plan will fold out. Well - we she turns eighteen, I'll be going into my nineteenth year. How trying can parents be? Today I learn of a dreadful fate that wouldn't seem much to others, but to me, it's a downfall with awful consequences. WHY do they take things so seriously? Life is too short to live restricted and sheltered, and there's no guarantee there's something after. To my next point - sometimes I just feel that wasting away my life, yet enjoying it all the same, is not a bad thing. If all is lost afterwards, for what purpose am I striving? To gain all the knowledge I desire and the attributes I long for, and then to have it stolen from me never to be recovered? Why would I worry and waste my time? I'll probably edit this later to add a bit more. The nightly migraine is coming in and my head is becoming a bit strained. [To those of you unaware, I have routine migraines, daily and nightly, and there's no stopping the illness that will follow.] I hope you enjoyed reading. : ) EDIT: Yay! I got to talk to my bestie. : ) My happiness level just jumped from a low to negative degree up to a nice, sturdy high number. : DDD Yeah, I treasure my friends that much. I'm about to write a new journal. = ) Maybe. I doubt it, haha. xD In a moment, maybe. I've got to go code some profiles and stuff. I wish Photoshop was free. Grrr. >_

Wow, my bipolarism is really kicking in today. A helpless entry only a few moments ago, a short interval of time with no meaningful events, and I'm back on my feet. I'm so thankful for our friendship. This person is so great, and I miss them dearly at this time, even though I spoke to them earlier today. However, I do have reason - our conversations usually last hours, and today's but a few moments. This is my nightly activity, and for the past few nights I've been left helpless. This person will probably never feel so strongly regarding our friendship, but I honestly don't know where I was before them. I just wish we could chat now. =/

He doesn't, and he never will. He just doesn't see that those little things he did were everything. "I love you" - whether he meant it in the utmost friendly way, or deeply felt it, I don't care - the little comment made me feel like I was welcomed by someone. And now he never speaks to me. What were his motives to begin with? Friendship or something more? I'm not sure. I don't really care. We were the best of friends, as far as that could have taken us. Now, no - we rarely speak, and then the words are short and simple. For the time I spoke to him in the beginning, he was my everything. I felt as if waking up in the morning wasn't a waste, and the days didn't drag so long - I actually felt fulfilled and meaningful. And when he was gone, I ached at the heart. It was so difficult to bare that time without him. And now that time is permanent. I miss him so. But he's gone now, and I know there's no recovering our relationship. At least now there's someone new to hold me as close as they can with their words. And he makes me feel the same. I just hope this friendship doesn't fail like last time.