Hi ho! ... lets go! And how are we all doing? For anyone who reads these things im on the search for the most depressing song... Ive just painted by room black and have been writing song lyrics now i need somthing heart throbbing and depressing... So far i have. Blue october - hate me The fray - How to save a life I hate myself - Less than nothing a song by my band chineapple punks. About some mates of mine who have died. coldpaly-Fix you So if any of you know any. It would mean alot to me just email them to me... If any of you get the chance. Guarding your dreams teacka x

So, the end of the week has finally arrived. And i find myself sitting in the same place home alone, as i have every sucnday for alomst a whole year now. I enjoy spending time to ponder on my own. But i hate the feeling of waking up on a sunday morning to know that im alone and will be intill moday. You would think i would go out spend time with my fellow peers. but i sinday is a day for thought. Putting me on suicide watch for the 3rd time in the past two years. The fact the everyone i know seems to be falling into a habbit of class a drugs. The fact that its getting harder to breath. My eye make up gets darker wiht everyday that i live. sunday is my emo day. What does sunday mean to you?

bleed-tar Sudbury, Suffolk, United Kingdom Editing my profile i click on about me and then edit. they give you a box that says Description, the title is also called about me. but they gove you this tiny box and they expect you to sahre what you are all about. Well what did you expect, you wanted my smiley bubbley side? well that isnt what you going to get welcome to the wonderful world of paranoia and hate, my complete fear of being alone and commeting. Just if you can feel the tears behind this smile. And now an arrow appears to show that youve written too much. well fuck you. bleed-tar x

What is forgivness? Is it when somone has done somthing wrong and they should be forgiven? Or when youve done somthing wrong and you think you should be forgiven? but does it actually have anything to do with being wrong maybe it was somthing you said, or what somone else. But does it have to be betwen you and another person cant it just be a felling of being forgiven or to forgive. As forgiven is just like being alone, Unable to be expalined in any way of making any true sence. but it is a feeling sp much deep than the rest. Bleed-tar x

Answers? is there any left for deep questions, as there are some that i just need to be answer. for example is it right for any person to feel this way and truly mean it? or is it just that i cant stand to be alone any longer? Am i just sitting here hoping that someone is going to come along and make it all better, give me the courage to stand up for myself. thou i don't want to believe what is going on is wrong. but what do you want me to think if this is all Ive ever felt and seen. might i say, like pain doesn't even when its all you ever felt or the deep emotional love for the rain. I could sit here forever just writing words in a poetic teenage sense hoping that some day someone might answer all these questions that i just cant stand living with anymore. But I'm not going to. as I do things the only way i know how, as pretty faces lie better so smile and the world will seem that much better. its okay to hurt on the inside if it doesn't effect you on the inside. wouldn't you rather hurt inside and lie than bring everyone down with you? i know i don't want to . so let me smile and all i ever wanted were some answers to some questions but perhaps this really is the only way out to live life and get what you get and deal with it. or is their a shorter way out so many questions. As i need for them to be answered. But i ask you one more thing if you haven't been bored with my teenage fears.. is it still suicide if its your destiny? bleed-tar x

Why does it always seem colder when you wake alone? The thoughts if a teenager, no more diffrent than you. only i see and hear things im not supposed to. Take pills for the depressed and cant sleep in fear of having to wake to face another day. Inside my head and all of these questions, Your pen and paper should be ready and hide your eyes, for i suppose some thimgs should stay unknown. But im affraid I cant keep them all; to myself. I can't be alone anymore. as i'd rather you hit me a thousand times, then to let me die alone. someone save me from myself and let me smile one last time, As i dont have dimples when i really smile. So you'll knwo when i can be happ.y bleed-tar x

Wet feet. Tonight i was sitting in my room listening to some un-signed bands.And now I'm sober again what i was thinking seems to make a lot of sense. you get these people who think of suicide and do so and other who just think about it but do nothing of it. But as I'm alone again i think to myself why cant I. what else is there to live for? I mean if anyone can answer that for me, then i will stop thinking i promise. But for now let me write what i need to say. Because i cant be alone anymore and these things that I'm feeling aren't supposed to be happening. am I feeling this just because i cant be alone, to make up for loosing my butterfly or what? I cant really like him that much can i. I just met him!I'm not meant to feel like this. and with the bottle of vodka under my bed that seems to bring my pain able so i can slit my wrists. But I'm just sitting here and then i fond my self going down the same road again only this time i think i can go all the way. planning ahead if i can get thou this Christmas alone, without doing what i think my heart wants me to do, then i will have a real reason to die. If i could just make it out the house without a tear in my eye i know i could do this and i know it would all be okay. Why am i feeling like this . i don't know but now I'm sober And I'm still feeling the same here comes the over used question. Is it suicide if it's your destiny? bleed-tar x