i've had a lot of thinking to do lately. and as it's the summer holidays, and i've not been doing anything much, i've had the time to let my mind do it's own thing. these last few months, i've been through a bit of a bad patch. there was this boy, and things to do with the family. not things i'm about to go into detail about. and i've been reconsidering what it is i'm really living for. it seems we 're expected to pick a path, a follow it through until we die. when i left school this time last year, i thought i'd go to college, pass my exams, go to uni, then get a job. this last year has been so difficult for me. i'm not a strong person, yet i thought that going to college would change me a bit. it hasn't. in fact, i've never been so paranoid and insecure in my whole life. it's like, people are trying to be something they're not. everyone tries to be individual yet they end up being the same. uh, back to the point of the boy and stuff. it hurt, it really did. everyone i've ever liked, have fucked me off like i meant nothing. it's like, i'm alright until something better comes along. anyway, so i discovered kate nash. her lyrics mean so much to me, i can relate to them immensely, it's like she's writing what's in my mind. and i know many people can relate to them just like i can. listening to 'the nicest thing' made me realise just how much i wanted this guy to like me. of all the time we spent together, i refuse to believe that it meant nothing to him. little things, like the time he came to my house and we layed on the settee together, although nothing vulgar happened, the only way i can describe it is 'nice' and that means more to me than anything. but whatever. i'm going back to my bottle of wine now , im babbling. hopefully there'll be more of my babble to come. i like writing. it's all i want to do. bu whatever.