I can't take this anymore. I want to leave and never come back. I'm finished. Say goodbye to my sanity. And everything else. I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I want to go get sick, and just heave all of this out of me. I want to split my head open and take out all this hurting. This hypocrisy. This hate. This love. I am finished. Now if only I had the guts.

I hate you!!!!!!! One minute I love you and the next I hate you, well right now I hate you. You make me want to be a better person, and I hate it. I don't want to have to change who I am for you. You're not worth it. I'm not worth it. I have other people I could be with that make more sense to me. I don't even want to be with anyone! Maybe I just want to have a normal relationship that doesn't jump headfirst into something that I'm not ready for. I don't want a relationship. Maybe I just want to casually date and not be with someone like my best friend is doing. He seems happy enough with it. I'm sick of missing you when you're not here, and then when you come back, I don't want anything to do with you. So just go away. Leave, I don't want you in my life anymore.

I had to go to my boyfriend's band concert thing last night. ergh. I'm only frustrated because I'm jealous that I didn't get in. That made me start thinking about how awfully mediocre I am. I'm not really good at anything, I'm just mediocre at a decent mix of things. It's stupid, and I hate it. So of course I had to sit through about a 2 hour very loud reminder of my mediocrity. And every time someone mentions it, it's like turning the knife in my chest. So it was 2 hours of knife turning too. At least if I bled out and died bitter, I would have been listening to really good music. Of course then I saw middle school friends, and I wondered if they remembered me. And then I wondered whether my life is worth anything at all. Typical downward spiral.

So today was good, then it sucked a bit, then it was good again. I was so tired, but I think it's worth it. Except when I get so tired that I get depressed and then I want to die, or leave, or something. Anything but this and here. Now I feel ok, but just a little bit ago I felt like bursting into tears and finding some strong rope and a tree. Forget that, if I'm going to die, I'm at least going to die warm. Maybe it should be an indoor tree. I wonder if anyone would truly care if I died. Honestly, I don't do anything important that changes things or makes a difference. People would realize my absence for a bit, and then get over it, as if I'd never existed. But that's probably true for everybody, right? To make ourselves feel better, we forget that the person we cared about even existed at all, so that we don't have to think about the fact that they're not here anymore. I need to go to sleep, I guess. Or I am actually depressed. I am going to keep denying that, because there is no way I could actually be depressed, I have no real reason to be. If I actually was, I'd feel more guilty than I already do for having such a great life and hating it. I'm not alone...I'm not alone...It's going to be ok...keep waiting...I'm sick of waiting...wait harder, try harder...Ok, fine.

Happy new year! This is going to be good. I hope. So here are my new years resolutions: 1. Wear retainer more 2. Look/Be skinnier 3. Focus more on school/band/piano 4. Be more humble 5. BE HAPPY!!!!! 6. Make more friends 7. Don't talk unless it's important 8. Stop feeling lonely Not a bad list, really. I'm rather happy with it. Bestest friend might get a new girlfriend. The way he talks about her, she sounds perfect. I'm jealous. Shit. I'm supposed to stop that. But she's stealing my best friend!!! Maybe not, I did get to talk to him finally last night. School tomorrow. Yay, sort of. I didn't get any of the things done that I wanted to, except the calculus homework, but that didn't take long. Back to being busy. I love my life, I really do. But its time for summer weather, I'm sick of all the snow and cold. It makes me depressed. Even my one friend noticed that I was depressed very frequently this semester, which is funny. Cause I was, I just didn't expect him to notice. 2007 was short, now that I look back on it, it's really insignificant. That makes me happy. Time to really move on from that insignificant crap. Yes! Goodbye, auld lang syne (times long past). Yes, I did get a dictionary for Christmas, and I didn't know what auld lang syne meant, but now I do! :)