I feel very mixed up right now. I feel sort of happy, but come on, it's christmas, you're supposed to feel sort of happy, or jolly, or whatever. Maybe I'm not jolly, but still. And I'm a little lonely. I don't hate my boyfriend anymore, we're good. Except I probably won't see him for two weeks, because he gets to go visit relatives. He actually likes his, and gets along with them. I'm jealous too. His family all seem to get along and love each other and have fun. Mine...not so much. My dad's dad takes every chance he gets to make us seem not great, and he attempts to be subtle about it, but we see exactly what he means. I hate that. Then there's the fact that my immediate family couldn't get along if you payed us to. So I'm partially dreading christmas too, because someone always gets in some kind of argument and almost ruins everything. Could be worse, I guess. Long story short, I'm jealous of him and his family, and I want to go with him, and I want to be a part of that family. Someday, someday... That is if I don't scare him off first. Gosh, we kiss and I freak out and break down in front of him. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, I still feel like I'm not good enough, more now than I had been feeling. But he says: Don't worry. It won't happen. We're different. You've changed. And maybe I'm starting to believe it. All of these are mixed up, and I feel one of them the most at one time, while the others are in the background. But I'm not too upset, so I'm not really shaken up or hurt or anything. Mediocre, I guess. He says it's not good enough, but I'll take what I can get for now.

I'm so pissed off at my stupid boyfriend, he is such a stuck up dork. I swear, he doesn't think he can do anything wrong. He seems so overly perfect that he's not perfect. And he's so abnormal, he doesn't seem to have a single normal bone in his body, except that the arrogant man bone must still be intact and in use. This makes me sad. It was supposed to work out, he was supposed to be perfect, not imperfect through perfections. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So now what am I supposed to do? Sit and wait for things to get better, I guess.

I don't know what to say. Today was all right, I guess. Learned to put a spare tire on and got a new one to replace the one with the screw in it. damn, how the hell did that happen? I'll finish this later. Time to eat chili.