SO! My skin is sort of doing better... it seems as though the pills have slowed down the underground ones, and boosts the effects of the topical stuff. Oh yeah, I lost my job and have hardly any money right now, but thank You GOD for my chance here to make things alright on my own. I actually almost teared up over it, between the various memories from September to, well, September. Sigh, what can happen in a year! That place had so much character. I'm glad that I had it first. So, it looks as though I only have 4 more classes before "the day?" Definite prayers there...my God I'm buff it's crazy...wish I could showcase it better without being naked.

So, I started these new pills. My skin looks pretty bad right now, but I'm still having hopes that I stop getting new breakouts. I was pretty bummed out at school, and hate that "Wish I would've thought to say that, then" feeling, but I'm feeling better about it. I "hosted" the baby shower yesterday evening. Interesting conversations... yeah. I need to start auditioning a LOT more often now. I have like 10 days to make like $1000. Right now, my ideas consist of craigslist ads and "him." Ugh. I really need a reliable source of $500 a week. The stuff I have to sleep in overnight smells pretty bad, like kerosene or something. I need to memorize my own lines. God, please help me at class tomorrow and always. And please continue to help me with this situation. Thank You. Amen.

Like OMG... all the guys digging me today and saying my name and getting jealous of other guys touching me!?!?!? Seriously though, I had my first chemical today in Beverly Hills, which turned out great after I finally found the place. Everyone there is really nice. I got out of work early too- like 12:12! And I kissed him goodbye in our special place to this amazing song under the lights...wish I hadn't fucking forgotten it already. Damn. That was so cool. Life is good. Thank You God. In other worlds, I had an interesting talk in the motel last Friday. Then I found out about PBOS. Yay! That sounds bad. But anyway, I was told that I was known very well, that I need to try it with other men to realize what I like, and that it's silly to say that I'm not wanted anymore, but I still "worry." I guess I still "worry" because I always want to kick myself for fucking up "relationships." And wishing I could've just shut up or said the witty thing at the time being. I admitting to having been sexually abused in the past, that I talked to a counselor about non-sexual issues, that my ex didn't like that I was too easy and available for him, even though I did have plans that I fucked over for his lame ass, and... damn. Oh well. At least I'm learning, right? I made a lot of progress in my room today- thanks for the "push." Ha. I really want to go get some tacos now but I'm a bit worried about my financial situation. It's just me now. Just me and my hostessing and office assisting and acting and modeling. I can't even afford good dancing outfits right now. But it's a good life- I know I have a lot of opportunities. I know that I have gifts and skills and dreams and that I'm loved and blessed and desired and admired. I have a future, an amazing career ahead of me and so many sweet revenges and new treasures in store. I just need to work on that "tunnel vision" theory that I was thinking about and let that- and God- lead the way.

I remember when I was pale with bad acne, bushy, uneven eyebrows, crusty makeup if any, flat, mousy brown hair, brittle nails, embarrassing feet, embarrassing excess body hair, dark under-eye rings, chronically chapped lips, a snaggle tooth, overbite, smoker's stains, a sports bra and lame underwear, no sense of style, poor posture, no confidence, and no effort to have that extra sparkle. I had all of these symptoms since age 13, but they were at their worst between 16 and 17. Sophomore to Senior year.

Sigh. How sweet. I was thinking of my current insecurities. I've realized that they've been lowered SIGNIFICANTLY. I'm doing much better at keeping things simple, not taking things personally, bouncing back and keeping a positive attitude. Gotta fix up my writing for the big shoot. Supposed to be observing another shoot these coming weeks, but I'm scared. Those current insecurities of mine. Damn you... I've got nine months left to feel like that "new woman" who I wasn't in June of 2006. Drove to Del Taco tonight for some much needed lovin' as I was thinking about this. I am so fortunate and blessed. And another realization I just had, is that maybe just maybe... rather than being afraid of reaching 110% happiness in fear that it'll be ruined, I'm just really anxious about doing what needs to be done to have it all going for me like that at once. Like my lagging need to fix my damn apartment and car up. And pay the rest of my debt off. Raise my credit score again. Do my face, ear and mouth surgeries. And be content with all of my relationships. I've come a long way, and my inner gratitude and enthusiasm proves it to me. It also makes me realize the potential I now feel in doing things I never thought of actually doing before... asking out the guy... loving the crowd... not screwing it up, not caring. The manager gave me a new work proposal with actual figures of income. And hopefully no taxation? We'll talk more later. Oh yeah, and I'm good. Soon I'll be GOOD. I love You, Lord!

Okay, thank you GOD that I'm not pregnant. Seriously. Thank You. This thought that I've had for years has been bothering me lately, as I start to see more success in my future: the fear that achieving incredible happiness will result in something inevitably bad happening to destroy it. Strange as it sounds, I've found that I'm not the only person who feels/has felt this way. So what's my reason for this hopefully faulty logic? I see celebrities that I envy and nothing bad enough seems to ever happen to them with their oh-so-scrutinized lives to make me not envy them anymore... so what's my problem? Am I afraid of not reaching this euphoria until I'm too old to be envied by others? And why is being envied by others (especially specific others) so imperative to me... is it because of my need for closure in the way that they've hurt me in the past? And is this more important to me than my love for the art of what I'm doing? I love to dance. And I know I can move in sexy and rhythmic ways. I know that I look good in my dance outfits and can work it. But my lack of confidence in auditioning (even though it has gotten MUCH better over the past six months) seems to make it never happen. I'm a self-taught go-go dancer, hip-hop choreographer and professionally trained ballet dancer from Cleveland. I know that I can do it and I know that I love doing it for what it is. Same with singing, if I could actually sing well enough (I haven't been training in a long time). And definitely the same for modeling- I adore the creativity, art and passion that is so evident in all aspects of that field. But acting- this most challenging and intricate area that I've wanted to do professionally for so long- I KNOW I need to work harder at it if I ever want to be great. I'm excited to hopefully have found a brand that I can really excel and sell myself in- the fierce, wild sex-pot with attitude, guts, and lust. I know I can do this, I just need to figure out what my performance is lacking when it's time to turn off the frizz and the shine. I've been writing a lot lately and doing everything I can to get more inspired. I'm praying for an excellent and star-studded reel that will begin this month and be done in October!

I'm MOSTLY loving life right now. Thank You, God, for everything. My blessings, opportunities, gifts, skills, and Your healing power. My first commercial went great. Everything is a learning experience out here. I've 99% forgotten about "the guy" I "loved" for so long. The bar I work at is closing in (supposedly) October. I have more confidence in auditioning for the dancing job down the street. I got new head shots with a great photographer last week and will be going back for free hopefully this month! We've got some kick-ass ideas for my portfolio in the pool, on the pool table, etc.! I read my last post, and I'm happy to report that my hair is exactly where I want it to be, AND my skin is ALMOST there--just need to make an appointment with the dermatologist I met at the commercial shoot to do a chemical peel or two at her office in Beverly Hills. My health insurance might actually be good for something! It's awesome how when you start to make real progress, it gets EASIER to keep going, and more exciting. A year ago, I was pissed about hating my acne, flat hair, hand-me-downs, brittle nails and pale complexion. I wasn't good at doing my makeup, was wearing the wrong bras and had no idea how to curl my hair or put it up nicely. But now that's all behind me. I feel like I have four physical "battles" left to tackle before I'll be outta this world with the confidence, yo! I'm looking forward to working as a dancer and fit model with my new pix and reel, new sites, new place, new relationships and new me!