it's raining. suits my mood. just read an amazingly depressing book. such a familiar story... kate-sara-will. elena-dora-jimmy. me-C-J. it's the same story, again and again and again. to varying degrees, yes. but it's more or less the same. i need you to read this. maybe understand my side of it. maybe open things up again between us. you look so much better now. i hope you are. i hope i'm not just believing a show. i wonder how things really are...

we lost yesterday, 96 to 92. we should have had that. i guess it doesn't matter, though. regardless of the score, we outperformed them, and that's all that matters. we can always take States next year. and i really hope we shall. in other news... kicking myself for missing so many chances. maybe this friday? someone's going to have to make me do this. it's not that i don't want to know; i just don't want to start a potentially awkward conversation. i'm not really sure where i want to take this yet, either. i don't know what he wants either. and once again i wish i had a clue... which is why i really should talk to him. it's just so much fun going around in circles.

two wins away from the state championship. i want it so bad. that would be fucking amazing. too excited to even think of anything else. so scared, too. god.

i'm wondering if i lied last night. it was true then. but maybe not so much now... not sure. it's not like i really have a right to be bothered by it though. not my call. i dunno. parties always leave me a little depressed the next morning. maybe i'm just lying to myself. i have to call him about cookies, apparently. well, a whole bunch of people. and he is one of them. i don't really want to talk to him right now...

and you had no idea why we were there? and you and the teacher both gave us funny looks? and it was hilarious? and then we had story time? i kinda like you, kid. you kinda made my day. =] i wish you knew that. i wish i knew what you have in mind. "you know i wish that i [was]"... but you know the rest of the song. "you think i haven't already considered that?"

i'm not as head over heels for him as i was for the previous one. for any of the others, actually. i'm not sure if that's good or bad. i can't maintain eye contact with him. it's not that i don't want to. i physically can't. too scared i'll give it away too much. but what would i be giving away? he already knows. perhaps it'd be a sign to him, and maybe... wishful thinking. but i want him to so much...

tomorrow is a month to the day since semi. and i still don't know what's going on. i really like his eyes, have i mentioned that? i'm ok with him taking his time. that's fine. but the longer we dance around it in no-man's land, the more reasons i come up with to be scared away. gugh. i wish i knew what he was thinking about all this. that would help. * * * * * * * * i think i have separation anxiety. whenever i have no one to talk to, i get all depressed... except for when i actually want to be alone. so maybe not... * * * * * * * * and i miss you. there's a lot i'd like to tell you about all this, but it just feels so awkward, considering. i thought i was the one getting replaced. i was wrong. i'm sorry. [[i don't want it to be like this]] * * * * * * * * i haven't been home alone in a month, at least. i hate her always being here. i'm so on-guard all the time. it sucks. * * * * * * * * fun weekend ahead... shitloads of homework and projects. and a paper. yay. [[oh, the joys of sarcasm.]] the only fun thing that's not part of my normal weekend will be going to B's on Saturday. i