should i tell her? ..that he's Will's parallel? ..that I changed my mind, and I'm going to do it no matter what they all say? ..that I can't honestly say I fully trust her anymore? (that hurts to admit, don't get me wrong; but her reactions to everything that's been going on are so different than they once would have been.) ..that she's changed so much I hardly know her anymore? (or is it just my perspective that's changed? ..that it hurts to see that this is what it takes to make her happy? ..that i still haven't forgiven us for what we did to her. (which makes the current situation all the more ironic.) that last she knows, but won't accept. maybe she doesn't have to, but it doesn't change how it is. i've been wishing so much lately that things could just go back to how they were. it feels like so long ago...

we already know who Sara and Kate's parallels are. well, today i found Will's. gorgeous gold-brown eyes... reddish-brown hair... funniest kid ever... fits the character description. maybe not 100%, but close enough. Sara isn't completely perfect either. and i didn't notice this till i got home, but Sara and Will met each other through their parents. Their parallels met the same way. Scary, isn't it? And knowing what we know about Kate and Will... A sign, perhaps?

why is everyone cutting? why can't people just suck it up and get over it? life may suck for you, but it does for everyone else too. i know i'm one to talk, considering i've tried. but i never actually did it. does that make me stronger for not giving in? or does it make me weaker, in that i don't have the willpower to do it? granted, i channel my anger at others, not into myself. is that safer? less destructive? i can't handle all this. I'm turning into Holden Caulfield. but i already know i can't save everyone. but i can't stop trying.... is it worth it? am i worth it? ...do they deserve to be saved?

i had hopes this time. i was so proud of myself for keeping it a secret. i was so convinced i would actually do it. but i don't think i will after all. it's just not a good idea. what with them and all. what with her hating them all. what with me not wanting to choose a side. 'cause honey, as much as i love you, i do think sometimes you overreact. i do think that, i'll be honest. but at the same time, i almost think you deserve to overreact. i'm making this decision more for her than for me. ...this is a change, right? thinking of others before myself is good, right? if putting them first is good, why does it make me feel so bad? i think i'm seeing a pattern here. as soon as i get my hopes up, as soon as i decide there's something going for me, as soon as i decide there's a chance- something comes up that turns the whole thing on its head. i think there's one person right now that thinks this may end well. the rest, well... "you'd be adorable together! but it would never work." "he'll side with his mom in a minute!" "i've known for two months..." [and i wasn't the one who told you.. and you won't say who it was. but i have a feeling i know.] i dunno. i swear, i'm going to go be a hermit. then i wouldn't have to deal with this. why can't things ever work out? please, just this once, let it work. i always knew i would back out. i always knew. so why did i get myself into it in the first place? and this catharsis would help more if there was another me that could answer these questions, rather than just the me that asks and doesn't know and doesn't want to hear it.