i guess i do cast well, huh? well whatever the story is with them, it keeps me from having to make a decision about him. good enough, i guess. my keys are sticking. but anyway. they came today and took the tree away and took two more down. now i'm looking for guitar music and packing for camp. yeah. it's a hoot. but i have to ask... if you did run away, would you let me know? granted i'd find out soon enough on my own. would you let me come? not that there's really hell to avoid right now, since i'm leaving on Sunday for six or so days. [kinda excited about that...] but it might be fun... and besides, where would you go? there, here, it's all the same. no place to go. nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape whatever you ran from. small towns are like that. and btw, Hobby Lobby online looks like Michaels or anything else... is it really that bizarre there? i wasn't picturing retail-chain craft stores, more of a side-of-the-road, sketchy place... oh, and of course, now that i'm not working anymore, i've been considering CB more as not that bad... but of course, i won't see him until next summer. if at all. and by then.. well. who can say? ah, whatever. i'm just not cut out for this guy thing. going for a run now. yay.

hahaaa. today was interesring. 1. two of my girls tried to name me charlie. ahaha. u ready for this, kel? i told them "anything but charlie!" they asked me why... i told them i wouldn't tell- it's inappropriate and i'm not going to corrupt little kids. [granted they're not that little, but whatevs.] so C [one of the girls] asked me: "How's Charlie?" i nearly died. it was so funny. 2. i'm a sketch [hence the title] 'cause one of my kids is pretty cute for a twelve or thirteen year old. creepy, i know. haha. 3. CB has moved up a bit. considering i had 19 girls last week offering me ten cents if i asked him out, i've been a little wary of him. M tried to hook me up with him too. she thinks he's cute- and she's MARRIED. but i'd now rank him as considerable b/c he's really good with the kids and he seems really nice. maybe not a great speller (twinckle twinckle little star- smooth.), but nice. 4. ZP-- a twelve year old-- asked me for my number. he wanted to find out what the story was with charlie. i told him a) as an intern i'm not allowed, and b) not impressed. twas quite funny. and tonight i'm going running. =] should be a good day.

and i still don't understand how or why you hate yourself. what is there to hate? good to know i'm not alone, i guess. you know, i saw the two of them sitting there. and i did wonder how many were broken... but of course, i told myself neither was, and that being suspicious of your best friend is not really a great plan. do i believe it? when i said it i did. oh, i did. but now, when i try to rationalize it... yes and no. not that you lost her. never that. never. but that your memories of her will never be tainted by teenage fights. that there will be no point where you lose all trust in her. that you will never be able to hate her. that she cannot do to you what mine has done to me. i dunno. i dunno. it doesn't matter if i did something wrong or not. the point is, i shouldn't have said it. but what's done is done. i can't take it back-- even though i probably would. no, definitely would. because then i wouldn't have hurt you; i wouldn't have had my suspicions confirmed; i wouldn't have caused that. * * * * * * * * back from the race. 3.6 miles, 40:29. YAY

another bottled-up rant, bring it on. go ahead. i tried the first time and failed. made it worse, in fact. so this time different person, different situation but i've learned from my mistakes. i'm gonna keep my ass out of it if it kills me. "if it makes you happy it can't be that bad" right? right. shit, who am i kidding? maybe i'd better join the crowd. promises are made to be broken.

i meant to tell you this. cuz i finally realized it- maybe i never was in your position. maybe i never did know your reason. but you hated him. [even if you "don't" now, you did then] and that was reason enough for me to hate him too. but now i've started to get to know him for myself started to like him, goddamit and... i just don't see it he can be an ass sometimes, yeah but not on purpose unless he really doesn't like you and hes a lot deeper than you think. what was it he said when you guys were going back and forth the closer you get the more they push you away i've realized it now the more i need you to be there the less i want to be so dependent [though i'm not sure if i'm being selfish or if it's because you have enough on your mind already] and then if something happens that i feel guilty for i isolate myself and drown myself on a guilttrip. and there's another thing to tell you i called them all first because i didn't want to talk to you i didn't want to face what i'd said, how i felt and i didn't want you to have to deal with me some friend I am. some damn friend.

how do you think i feel? goddamn promises. i'm being such a baby today. i wanted to keel over and die this morning. for no reason. i almost started crying. for no reason. i'm having another episode i just need a stronger dose... anyway. i'm pretty much isolating myself. not much i wanna do right now but be alone. and i've been thinking about him so much lately... face it, girl, he's gone. he's changed and so have you. and besides, you were miserable at the end. you just want to feel needed...

about tuesday night. and of course, i'm isolating myself. i didn't mean it the way it came out. [but now i'm just making excuses and making it worse.] so i'll leave it at i'm sorry. and that next time i'll keep my mouth shut.