so i'm back from new york. it was fun. even though i almost died.. almost got hit by a car running a red light. no Gerard at MT though. i would have taken a picture of me macking with a wax Gerard... ah well. today was fun. beach. yay! k, i can't believe he doesn't swim. Charlie + Isabella =

i know. i just might shoot myself. [[so you can't when i tell you]] anyway. just got back from bowling. it was fun. yay for bumpers. two strikes and three spares. * * * * * * * * good feeling's gone. "we have an open-door policy in this house and that's how it's going to stay." bitch. i can't even shut my bedroom door. it's MY damn door. "we're not SPYING on you..." well what do you call reading my diary, monitoring my every move, controlling everything i do? ah, for fuck's sake. she's coming to NYC with us. i just might die. Chloe, Kel, keep me fom strangling her, will you?

well. this was quite possibly the most thoroughly awful day in my life. do they have to be awful to me? "punch me in the face. last offer." like thats gonna make it better. two wrongs don't make a right. [but three rights make a left] anyway. one more day of finals. then friday is the last day of school. then k's. then the weekend. then monday i might get my hair cut. then tuesday- NYC. can't. wait. she has her fairytale, when will i get mine? do i even want a fairytale? do i deserve it?

i've been rather neglecting my SM here... i think i missed it. well, G is gone. graduated and gone. i'll never see him again... i think once that really hits home next year i just might cry. i did cry, yesterday, but not because of him. because of mom, or course... she always knows how to make me feel like shit. half the time i don't even do anything wrong. i lay on my floor and cried. oh, and yesterday was the show. a white for my first class. Dante's sticky lead. he likes the left better than the right and wouldn't change. Katie's saddle slipped 90 degrees and off she went... blue on the course. good pony... then a [short] trail ride, hose the pony down, and head home. S was gonna call i guess but didn't, so we didn't go to the beach, and then mum and me had our spaz. that was my day.... yeah. and now it's sunday and i have nothing to do. should be studying for finals, but don't really feel like it. and my legs don't hurt anymore, haha! if it stops raining i might go out today, and then i'll do a couple laps Tuesday, and then Thursday we race again. 46th place, yeaaaaah. i can do better than that.

i wanna see some fireworks. i wanna live the Disney movies i've always hated 'cuz they never told the truth and everyone always lived happily ever after. i want a picture-perfect sunset. i want never to be jealous of another girl again. i want to be able to get anyone i choose. i want to not have to wait. i want to travel the world. i want to make a difference. to someone. to anyone. things i want, but can't have... things i have, but don't want. and once again i think of me, not of them. not of what they need more than what i want. i don't even know who they are. what is wrong with me today? i don't even know where that all came from. it might be better if i just stopped thinking...

KfB strikes again. forget this. forgetme. once he leaves i'll forget him. but not soon enough, oh, never soon enough. why always her? [or her or her or her... but never me?] twice me. twice failed. maybe i should accept that... i want it but can't handle it. i get it and it never works. it's always someone else... maybe it's a sign. maybe i give up.