oh, chloe. i wish i could say i'd take you in, let you live with me. i wish i could take them all away. i wish i could give you your sanity back. i wish, i wish, i wish... the best we can do right now is gut through it and wait it out. only three years now, right? in no time at all we'll be picking colleges. we'll leave this goddamn state and never look back. and on the day we leave for college we'll have a funeral. speaking of which i really want a polaroid camera. and then this will all be over... and maybe we'll be okay. maybe i'll actually amount to something. and maybe you will finally see what we've been telling you all along. maybe. in a world of wishes and maybes... * * * * * in other news. i'm 15. yay. what a hoot.. it feels exactly the same. nothing has changed. what was i expecting?

tomorrow is the seniors' last day. ima give greg hell. yahaaaaaa.

ow. my right hip or back or whatever it is hurts like all hell. i got thrown again today. i need a new helmet so i don't get my skull busted... but i got to ride Cliffie. so i guess it's all good. despite the fact that i don't want to move 'cause it hurts too much, it's all good.... i can't even bend over. if it sucks this much an hour later, it'll prolly be worse tomorrow. oh yay. but anyway. busy weekend. i so want to go tonight... even if i can't stay. i wanna go to the picnic on Monday too... yay UGB. (Linds will want to go to....) i went to the carnival thursday night with Rach... yay for carnies. free ride on the big slide... aaahahaa. jumping all over the place today, aren't i?

"she's annoying." thank you, thank you. i'll take my bow for the credit i'm due. and at least you had the courage to say it behind my back. am i being vague enough?

i think i'm reverting. old habits die hard, eh? second time this week that's happened... a sign? bah. i'm not superstitious, am i? that dream... it was just like last time. do i base what i want off dreams? do i base what i think of them off what they do in my dreams? it felt so right... but then. i've said that before... and look now. well. a month left, is it even worth it? if not for Chicago, it might be.

it's times like this i used to reach for him. he always used to know how to make me feel better... and now i can't talk to him like i used to. where am i supposed to turn? why can't they accept my doubts? what's so wrong with that? just leave me alone with my insecurities. what i want has nothing to do with ability or anything else. i want to make a difference. i don't care how. i don't want to be a hero, either. i just want to make a difference. to someone. to anyone. ..to me?

and i wonder. if he knew for days when i was going to ask him out... did he know i was going to break up with him?

INSTRUCTIONS 1. Put your music player on shuffle. 2. Press forward for each question. 3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? With You- Linkin Park WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE? From Yesterday- 30 Seconds To Mars WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Dani California- RHCP "she's a runner, rebel and a stunner"- oh yeah. so me. WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU? From the Inside- Linkin Park kinda makes sense, actually... WHAT DO YOUR EX'S THINK OF YOU? Whisper- Evanescence i don't think so. HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE? Here I Stand- Madina Lake "here I stand, all alone, tonight..." maybs? HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE? Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends- Fall Out Boy ???? WILL YOU GET MARRIED? Listen To Your Heart- D.H.T. i don't even know... WILL YOU HAVE KIDS? Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)- Nine Days first one that the title has made sense, but not the song. ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL? We Believe- Good Charlotte WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE? I Don't Love You- My Chemical Romance WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? I Never Wanted To- Saosin "I never wanted told you what you were missing" ..nope. THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE: Someone That You're With- Nickelback given the number of times this song has applied to me... it may as well be. YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE: Daddy's Eyes- The Killers not even close. WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME? Champagne's For Celebrating (I'll Have A Martini)- Mayday Parade my girlfriend's going to leave me for some guy across the country? WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD? Pain- Three Days Grace "I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" true. WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING? Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, And The Story Of A Lonely Girl- Lostprophets "you won't fall in love if you don't fall at all" "broken hearts and torn-up letters, girl you just can't dance forever" WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER? The War- Angels and Airwaves i'm gonna be a soldier? YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING? Dirty Little Secret- All-American Rejects ummmm, no. HOW WILL I DIE? Jersey- Mayday Parade "I'll have you know I'm scared to death" i'll die of fright? THE SONG THAT YOU'LL HAVE AS THE TITLE? Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy- Fall Out Boy yaaay =D you can tell I'm bored. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

oh, and i forgot to mention- i may have lost him. but my writing is back. it's back. and i guess that's a fair tradeoff.

he seemed so happy it was over... and then i found this out [slightly edited for clarity]: "he didn't want you to feel bad. this we [my friend and him] have talked about. he wasn't glad to get rid of u, no, he's just doing his best not to take it hard because he knew you thought it was best" i don't even want to know the implications of that. i don't want to feel worse than i already do. i figured something out, though. i originally asked him out because he was such a comfort to me. as time went by and he gradually stopped talking to me, that level of comfort drastically dropped until i couldn't talk to him at all. and that's when i ended it. ...and now he talks to me again. i'm enjoying being single again, i really am. but i miss that comfort of three months ago... that's what i really miss. not the time i lost. the familiarity. the only bad thing about being single is JB... i have a sinking feeling he likes me. especially after wednesday.. he was going so out of his way on the bus to make sure i noticed him. [hi. hi. hi. repeated until i finally said it back. and then he shut up, more or less.] he is an ass. and he looks like a rat. if there is one person i like less than him, though, it's DF. somebody get him to leave me alone.