I'm writing to you again. I know you've been kinda miserable lately. If you need to talk I'm here. And I hope I'm not running you off further by saying that- I mean it. I count you a really good friend. I hope you think the same of me... Love you always, dear, no matter how awkward or alone you think you are.

if i died tomorrow you wouldn't even miss me. you'd probably be glad you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. and you know, i don't half blame you, because everything i do is just so illogical. and i am so fucking irresponsible, i can't do anything right, and sometimes i put me before you when i forget that the world revolves around you. i bet i was an accident. i hope i was adopted. i don't know how he could love you. what's so great about you?

I started writing you a letter here, then thought the better of it. Just know that however this turns out I will be behind you and support you 100%. Luv you, Reptar.

i need someone to talk to. i am ridiculoisly stressed out. should be working on a project. but of course, i am here. it'll help now, but i will regret this at ten tonight when i am scrambling to finish that damn project. i... i don't even know. i feel like there's something i should say to him. because he never talks. and lately... i dunno. i'm just getting a weird vibe. i hate to say this. but. that doesn't change anything. i miss being single. because lately... i'm feeling single again. like seriously. and i miss being able to act single. and not having to think "i shouldn't do this. i have a boyfriend." as awful as it is to say that, i'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise. from now on i'm going to have a policy of truth with myself. i need to stop suffocating thoughts i don't like... maybe the little bitch i hear really is me. but anyway. K, T, C, E- don't worry 'bout me, 'bout us. you all know i could never do it. but do i need him for who he is or for who he is to me?

so on the bus this afternoon i was talking to Amanda... I told her why I never officially went out with J. I really don't want to repeat it. I'm not proud of it. It's not something you want to hear yourself say... But it felt good to finally say it. Just to get it out there. To finally admit it... The second half I didn't tell her. And I don't plan to tell anyone... Maybe I'll send it to PostSecret. Been thinking about that for a while. But now that that's out in the open... Maybe I'll be able to not be angry anymore. Maybe I'll be able to bring myself to talk to him... Not that I actually will want to. But it will be an option. I never missed him and I never will. However... I realized today that I do miss Base a bit. Not as a crush- never as that. But as a friend. I miss actually being able to talk to him. As thick as he is, he's a cool guy. Maybe I'll try to build up a friendship with him again... Or maybe not. I dunno. Still some thinking to do. 'Bout a lot of things. xoxo. much love.

Scariest thing happened today. HK almost had a panic attack. CC [been a while since i mentioned him] like hugged her and she started shaking... at first i thought she was crying. but she wasn't... she was shaking, holding her throat... it was freaky. but she said she's okay... guess i'll have to take her word for it. the question now is, do i still trust her?

why do i always get so worked up about this stuff? why am i so bitter? and why can't i make him understand... is it because I don't understand?

that they're never aware of how cute they're being? "=[ but u had 2 go as i was typing that... i didnt get to say goodbye :(" last night he said that, after i left. i didn't see it til today. he still looks at me funny. like, not bad funny. but i dunno.. funny. but yeah.... i guess today was a good day.

i have Dangerous Summer stuck in my head. they're amazing. it's been a long day. went to Kel and Tay's sball game after school. one of their teammates got hurt wicked bad. ambulance and everything. stretcher, backboard... i was scared to death. i hope she's okay....ihopeshe'sokay.... then got in a fight with Nate. me and Kel, fighting him separately, but at the same time about the same thing. i'm almost sorry for it. but... i'm making excuses again. i told myself- promised myself- i was going to stop doing that. but what he said after... " :( im sry, u both think im an ass" how could you say that? howcouldyousaythat? i could never think you're an ass. yes, i get mad at you once in a while... but i get mad at everyone. i'm sorry i can be such a bitch. imisshim. when i'm with him, he doesn't talk, so he may as well not be there. but whenever i'm alone, i just want him with me... it's still so hard to believe that he is actually my bf. but the other night we were talking and i asked him what he would say if that guy from tokio hotel- th one that looks like a girl- asked him out and he says "i can't tell you, my gf might hear" he has no idea how happy that made me. livinforthelittlethings. xo.

you'd think that by now i'd have learned my lesson about keeping my mouth shut.... screw that. here we go again. but for once, i am gonna leave names out, and no amount of pressing is gonna get them out of me. is that enough "lesson" for you? [forme?] anyway. i know stuff is tough, been there done that over and over again. but hey, shit happens. and i know i am not the model of accepting what comes. but sometimes it seems that they exxagerate just a lil... but who am i to talk? it's just me making my problems more important than theirs. once again my selfishness shows up. there are people out there, some that i know and they know very well, that have way bigger problems than they do, than i do. and yet, we all continue to complain... ahwell. like i said, shit happens... i just gotta learn to deal with it.