one of these days, i'm going with her. i wanna meet this chick. i kinda want to give him what-for too.. but i shouldn't blame him. after all, this might help in the long run. still. she hates it already... at least, thats the impression i get. come on, why won't you split them with me? it'll be fun... a little keepsake. swear i won't do anything with it... aaaanyway. peace out, cub scout.

feelin a bit better. having great times after school... BROOM CLOSET!!! [don'tevenask] but yeah. he said i have never scared him or freaked him out, and not be bothered by him worrying about me. as long as i let him know i'm okay he'll feel okay. awwww. but apparently i did scare her... i scared me a bit too. it's not like i'm trying to see these things. they just come into my mind and i can't shove them away. it's so scary to see it all in the third person... i think maybe i have issues? you're not the only one who needs therapy, let me tell you that. but anyway. oh. yeah. i was talking to him the other night. and i was feeling so crappy... i gave him a quote of my last entry. and he was all like worried... he's a saint to put up with me. i don't know how he does it. but. what matters is he's there for me. nomatterwhat. it does still slightly bother me that it took a mention of suicide to get him to talk, though... ohwell. whatever. i think i had something else to say. but i can't remember what. hmm... i'll think of it later, i'm sure...

i don't feel so great. tomorrow's gonna suck. i've just been fighting with everyone lately. Tay, Eric, i probably fought with Chloe, i've been kinda pissed at Nate... i don't wanna go to school tomorrow. i'm... scared. ashamed. done with the excuses. i've felt like shit for the past few days. i... i had suicide thoughts this morning. because i was so mad at myself for being so mad at everyone else. what loss would one little bitch be? sure, they'd all miss me. but they'd get over it. but of course i can think of thinking, but never to the point where i would actually plan it. i'm not that brave, i'm not that decisive. i'm just so done with this. iwantout. out of this vicious cycle, out of this town, out of this perspective. but not out of this life. [[notyet]] i wrote a few stanzas today. i'll come up with more to go with them later. "no more tears, no more pain" said the wind to the rain and the oceans, ashamed felt that they were to blame. wind-rain-oceans... they all stand for something. granted, oceans are not the best metaphor.. they're deep and cool and greenish-blue, not quite the right representation. perhaps clouds. no, that's too pretty. or blank slates...that might fit. i’m tired of the excuses that I’ve made the the things that i've been hiding start to fade these words can never mean what I would say i just don’t know how to make it through the day that just says how i feel right now. i make so many excuses to myself. i'm sick of it. absolutely sick of it. i'm sick of me. how can i go around saying that these people need to change, when i am so much worse than they are? how can i ever live up to what i want to be?

i need to talk to my boyfriend. i need some reassurance. oh, but wait, he's not there. and even if he was, he wouldn't have anything to say. so why do i need him so much?

yes. let's. let's get the hell out of here.

weeelll. the 'rents are fighting. i think they still are.. mom ignored dad all last night. dinner was awful. no one said anything, and what little conversation there was was soooo awkward. i don't even know what happened. at school today... hm. depressing note convos with C, what else is new? i can't even explain why i'm so upset. i don't even know. long story short, i think nate is still worried. and really, i'm hardly surprised. i'm a mess. what i am surprised about is that he can deal with me being a mess. aside from being worried about me it doesn't affect him a bit. anyway. we talked about the Holocaust today in german. herr joyce had slides- like real, old-fashioned slides. we're talking 1972 German Olympics here- of pictures he took at concentration camps in Germany. one of them was just a field... it looked so pretty and peaceful. not like what you'd expect a concentration camp to look like. then he said that this was the camp where they'd send people from other camps when they were old or sick or couldn't work anymore. there was nothing provided for the people sent there. no food, no clean water, no place to sleep... just an open field. just a place to die. there were long grassy bumps scattered throughout the field- mass graves. 2500 people, all buried in one long trench and then all covered up. hidden. forgotten. there were pictures of kids from our school, just standing there, crying. pictures of a sculpture outside a partially reconstructed camp, a museum of sorts. the sculpture just screamed pain- you could see twisted bodies, barbed wire, people reaching for each other- but it was just a piece of metal. nothing more, nothing less. i am highly critical of art, not that i have much right to be, but i am- never in my life have i seen anything as moving as that sculpture. never. there were pictures of the inside of one of the reconstucted camp buildings. pictures taken during the Holocaust, pictures of hundreds of people crammed into one little building. pictures of people who were going to die. pictures of the crematorium at the camp. there weren't even that many pictures. just enough to make me want to cry. i almost did. that empty field...it's haunting. picture it. a beautiful, empty field... now fill it with the sick, the hurt, the dying. soldiers. small children. guards. it's raining, no shelter. people screaming in pain. people weeping because their loved ones have died and been haphazardly placed in a mass grave. the cruel laughter of a guard. a gunshot or two. chaos, disorder. just an empty field.... i am going on that exchange. i am paying my respects to people far braver and stronger than me. people that didn't deserve to die. people who should be remembered. "Den Toten zur Ehr. Den Lebenden zur Mahnung." To the dead in honor. To the living, a warning. PS to jacklyn07- after that most depressing entry of mine, something happy. been following your journal off and on for a little while, glad things worked out. :)

possibly the worst thing that could have happened... possibly the best. all i could say was "don't leave me"... i can be so selfish. ...take the "can be" out of that. i am so selfish.

both those long entries definitely deserve a reply. - - - - - - - - first, to Tay- You have never been a burden and never will be. And while it's all well and good to show a strong face and never let anything get you down, it's ok to cry. It reminds people that you're only human. That they're only human. You have never let me down and I don't think you ever will. People aren't perfect- you can't hope to always be everything you wish you were. But Tay, as long as you're being yourself, that's all that matters. And never let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are happy. You are YOU- and no one can EVER change that. We love you for who you are- tears and all. Let 'em flow, girl, and let you shine. xo - - - - - - - - second, to Chloe, cuz i know this will be longer. i don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry we make you feel so awful about this. It's just that we- Eric and I- don't know what to do. We're completely at a loss. It doesn't help to push you to stop, but letting you keep going hurts everyone. So doing nothing is not an option, but neither is doing something. And walking out is worse than either. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to make you see how much you mean to me. I don't know how to make you see that you are beautiful and that I admire you for going through all the shit you've gone through and somehow staying alive. I can't say I admire you for this, but in a rather sick way, I do because it's something I would never have the courage or conviction to do. I don't know how to get you out of here okay without losing you in the process. I would do anything for you. You know that. Just tell me and I will do it... I just need to know how I can help because trying to figure it out on my own has been a losing battle. And I don't know how much longer I can fight. Love you forever. Sisters. - - - - - - - -

i'm an angry person. i never meant to be scary. i'm sorry. i just don't know how to explain myself. i just don't know what to say anymore. self-induced solitary confinement is far better than dealing with people.

dance tonite, Nathan's not going, i just had a really depressing convo with him and a depressinger one with E before that, i feel like shit. storyofmylife.