blah. that's what my email always says... lonely :( ah well... so vaca week is over, practically... monday: shopping with Chloe. bought a fedora :) Chloe slept over. we stayed up until like midnight... and mom told me later she couldn't sleep that night and had been in the next room "reading." reading my ass. she was prolly listening in on our convo... tuesday: was supposed to go skiing.. hung out with Chloe instead. wednesday: nothing remarkable. stayed home, i think... thursday: Nate's birthday. went shopping again, with mom this time. got an FOB poster.

i bought My Heart Will Always Be The B-Side To My Tongue last nite. i

meh. i hate this holiday. it's so much easier when you're single... trying to figure out what to get your bf is harder that it looks. i made cookies. he gave me a pink beanie baby bear. it's got a little white heart on it... awww. but of course, a holiday designed to make people think about those they love leads me to thinking about him... and me thinking about people i like/love only leads to one thing- self-doubt. it's just so hard to take what i see in his eyes, realize that it shows just how much he cares about me... and realize i'm never sure how i can ever show that back. it's hard to understand that he can care about me so much and support me and believe in me when i doubt myself so much. he's so happy about us... and i want him to stay happy. it's just that lately i've been talking to him about a lot of depressing crap. that makes me worry bout getting him depressed... so then i feel even worse. and i know i should talk to him about this, but i don't know how. i am so afraid of something happening and me being afraid to talk to him about it... i am so afraid of losing him. i'm so used to hiding my emotions i doubt i'm capable of fully showing them, especially showing him how i feel. This is the first Valentine's Day that i've ever had someone to spend it with. he spent most of it sitting on a windowsill with R while I went to art club, came back, sat in the corner listening to my mp3, left again, walked around, talked to H, came back.. and so on. he finally asked me if i was ok and i was like yeah, im fine. he sat with me for a little while and then we went back to the art room, looked for Tay's piece (which we didn't find, btw, if you're reading this, Tay) and came back. the only problem was the whole time i was having really depressing thoughts. i don't even know how to word half of them. the worst one was how i want to be independent, but also i want to be close to him... and this afternoon i just felt so alone. and is it me, being too independent? or is it him? but of course i can't blame him... i just can't. so that makes it me... god, i am so screwed up. as soon as i find happiness, doubt finds me. and when given a choice between one or the other, doubt always finds a way to win.

they're fighting. over my course selections. apparently mom doesn't consider me an adult, despite the fact that i have probably gone through more in the last two years than she ever had to deal with. i think i can handle choosing what electives i want to take. dad says i have to make my own choices. he's on my side, for once. love you, dad. mom, however, is being a bitch and refuses to budge... she has no faith in me whatsoever. i hate her so much. i can't wait till i move out. if you have no faith in me, how can i have faith in me? it's mostly her fault i'm so fucked up.

i talked to *A* at the library today... she says she doesn't like him after all. and she's "friends with benefits" with a junior. oh my. and i just told mom i'm going out with Nathan... she took that sooo much better than i expected. she asked me "have you and Nathan decided if you're an 'item' yet?" and i was like, "yeah" and she just said "that's good. that's so cute" or something like that. so yeah.. im suprised. but pleasantly so.

so. turns out i was right. *A* does like Nathan... he won't go back to her, i know that, and i think she does too, deep down somewhere in whatever is left of her soul. but all the same, knowing she'll never get him back is sure to make her try harder. "She told me it wasn't enough to do anything about it. Plus, she doesn't want to hurt you so she isn't even going to consider doing anythiing about it."- Tay she is doing something about it. she's flirting with him unashamedly. doesn't want to hurt me? since when has she really cared about who she hurt by flirting with everyone? she already is hurting me- the other day it felt like old times. her and him together and me looking on... she was all over him. all fricking over him. i'm not looking forward to talking to her on monday.. one, because she will absolutely blow a fuse on me. that or start crying uncontrollably. and two, because i will be miserable before- and probably after- and he's gonna notice and ask me what's wrong. and of course i'm not gonna want to talk to him about this... oh, but it gets worse. my best friend is fucking miserable and never said anything to me. am i the only one who's seeing our friendship become more and more one-sided? we're falling apart at the seams. all of us. and i have to go to the library today to work on stuff for mock one-on-one with my witness... fucking don't wanna go. i think he likes me. which is creepy. but we have competition on monday so i can't not go. damn. i really hate life right now... he's the only thing thats normal right now. i just want to be around him. it's the only time i really feel alright.

a lot going on right now... today was the german restaurant. yesterday was Mock... so mad about that. our team lost by one point. but we should have won. we looked better than them. this one girl- their only female lawyer, for god's sake!- was wearing glorified pajama pants, a tanktop, and a hollister sweatshirt. a PINK hollister sweatshirt. you could see her underwear and bra straps- not pretty. we were all in suits, even those of us in the audience. we presented better than they did. they all used notes- not one of us did. we had everything memorized. when objected to, they'd get flustered for minutes at a time cuz they forgot the next question- we recovered so much better. and when she commented on both teams' performance, she was so pro-plaintiff and anti-defense- anti-us. it was like she decided who was gonna win before she came in. and the best part was she wasn't paying any attention to the trial at all. there will be judge-bashings... she clearly didn't know shit. anyway... today was the german restaurant, which was awesome. i'm exhausted now though.. ohwell. today did confirm a couple of things though, in my mind at least. some good, some bad. one, Nathan really really cares about me. :) not that i ever doubted that in the first place. he's so OCD about making sure i'm happy. it's so cute. if i act even the slightest bit mad, like even if i'm only like fake-mad, he apologizes profusely and like hugs me to make sure i'm not actually mad at him. like today, me, him, chloe, and *A* were having an "argument" about something. i kept saying one thing over and over again and he had his arm out to stop me from talking. i was all like "omg!" and walked away. i wasn't even actually mad, but he like ran after me and stood in front of me. i tried to go around him and he just hugged me... twas like the cutest thing he's ever done. such a sweetie :) he's lucky he's so goddamn adorable. so that's the good thing. the bad thing... i'm pretty sure *A* is trying to get him back. she was madly flirting with him today. like ttly unashamedly. she was acting sorta like they were still together, even though they're long over and now i'm going out with him. maybe it's just her, cuz we know she can't help flirting with everyone... but SM asked me today if i was still going out with him and i was like yeah, der! but RG misheard and was like, oh, i thought they were having problems... and i was like huh? who? and she said *A* and Nathan. and i was like oh... they broke up a long time ago. now i'm going out with him. so i'm not the only one who thought she was acting like that... with *A*, i'm never sure anymore if i love her or can't stand her. i wanna talk to *A* and Nathan about it, but i mean, what do i say? i don't want to sound like i'm accusing her, even though i guess i kind of am. and i don't want to sound like i doubt him, cuz i could never do that. i just don't want to lose him. i don't want to lose him. i love him.

on the verge of tears. and the only people that could comfort me live halfway across town.

happiness only lasts so long. don't get me wrong, i couldn't be happier right now... but at the same time i couldn't really feel much worse. it's still a bit too soon to say "i love you." living a double life really sucks. let me tell you that... i mentioned that i can't tell my family about Nathan? it's really starting to get to me. see, in about, oh i dunno, three weeks? it'll be his birthday. what do i do then? even better, Valentine's Day is in two weeks. damn... mom knows i'm getting him eyeliner for his birthday... long story. lol. but i want to get him something more... i dunno, meaningful, i guess. eyeliner's just a laugh.. i want to show him i care. but how can i get him something without mom finding out? that would totally SUCK. and i want to talk to him about that... but how? i don't want to bring him down any more than i already have. i don't want him to... to what? i don't even know. and that's another thing i realized today- he knows almost everything about me. hopes, dreams, fears, loves, hates. but i know nothing about him. i don't know what he wants to do with his life. i don't know a thing about his past or his future. and i don't know what he thinks of me... i know why i asked him out, but i haven't the slightest idea why he said yes. * * * * * * * * and just a note for Tay- "Did I mention that *A* is upset. We went skiing over the weekend and she was sorta mad. I think I'm the only person who knows why. And I can't say because if eric,chloe or hannah read this then they would know and Anna would be mad. Hannah probly would too." Tay, you can't say that much and not give it away. i have a pretty good guess as to what it is... but only because you added that i'd prolly be mad. if you hadn't said that, i would have had no idea. but as it is, i think i know... but i'm probably wrong. If it's what i think it is, i wouldn't be mad- i can't do anything about that. it's only if... certain things begin to occur... that i would get mad. and i probably wouldn't even get mad, just goddamn depressed. * * * * * * * * i've got a thing or two to say about my darling parents as well. if you haven't gotten this yet from past entries, i pretty much wrote it out today for Rissa in bio... she asked me if i had told my parents about me and Nate yet. i said no, and tried to explain: "I just wish my parents would leave me alone. It's been a really long time since I actually felt like they supported me. mom doesn't seem to care about what's important to me. she just wants to see straight A+s. It always feels like the only reason she pretends to care even remotely is because she only cares what other people think of her. When people look at me, she doesn't care what they think of me or what I think of them. She cares what they think of her from what they see of me. She's so self-centered. The world revolves around her. It's always 'you didn't do this, so now I can't do what I wanted to do!' Well, mom, it's been a long time since you let me do what I wanted to do, much less cared what I wanted. And everything I do is subject to criticism. If it can be criticised, it will be. Everything I do is wrong. She read my diary a while ago. and she told me she did it because she 'wanted to know what it was.' Isn't it obvious it's a diary and therefore PRIVATE when you find it under your kid's pillow? So I don't trust her anymore. She lost her kid's trust and will never gain it back- she has no idea of how much I hate her. So combining this all, I just can't tell her about this. It'll be picked apart, criticised, blah blah blah... End result will be me bawling my eyes out. I'm so happy with him. and I don't want her to ruin that." * * * * * * * * sorry this was incredibly long. got a lot on my mind right now.