i thought drama belonged in middle school. guess i was wrong... kel's life is spiraling out of control. what with ben and her family... *A* is pissed at somebody... but won't talk about it. short rant on that topic- skip if you like... she always presses us when we clearly don't want to talk about whatever's bothering us. we suck it up and deal with it- her AND the problem(s). but now, she's the one with issues, and no amount of pressing will make her talk- she gets even MORE pissed. she gets so defensive and is all 'I don't wanna talk about it! leave me alone!' but those words never meant anything to her when we said them... hypocrite? rant over. anyway, continuing on the list: taylor is also pissed at someone- presumably Jackie or TJ. TJ is depressed because taylor is mad. E thought Chlo was upset today too. oh, and Jackie is after Nate too.... but i know he knows she's so hitting on him. and i know- think- hope?- he doesn't like it and isn't going to fall for it... how do i know? after all, it's only been a week. how do i know? because i know him. because he knows exactly what he means to me. because he's happy. because we're happy.

dear [yournamehere] tell me can you hear a tear as it sings or a hope without wings dear [yournamehere] tell me what you fear a monster unknown or a life all alone but dear [yournamehere] remember this year the things you have done how he was the one dear [yournamehere] i know that you’re here you can’t fade away come out face the day dear [yournamehere] be strong and sincere the love that you feel will always be real * * * * * * * * finally finished this poem... had it without the last two lines for months and only just finished it. what d'you think?

i really should be doing my biology homework.... but i don't want to, obviously, so i am eating popcorn and wasting my time online... went to the school play last night with my friends.... and it was actually really good. of course, the second act started at like 9:30 and it was really sad and stuff, so i almost fell asleep on Nate's shoulder, but that's ok. he smells good... lol. trying to keep my group somewhat under control is pretty much impossible. ohwell... but yeah. i had a great time, and i think he did too :) only going on day 3, but it feels like it's been a lot longer. i just still can't believe this. never been happier :)

totally. surreal. little less hyper today. he's so sweet :) it still feels so surreal to think of him and be like, damn, he's actually my boyfriend. i keep, like, double-taking my own thoughts... i still can't believe it. and SQ can make me laugh 'bout my own BF... lol. "he's HOT! and you get to screw around with THAT!!" " 'scuse me?" "well, not yet." lol. she's great :) and so is he :)

:) :) :) :) :) :) soooooo happy right now :) 'raiya's finally got guts. i asked him today :) and he said yes :) been waiting for this for a long time. he has no idea how happy i am :) yay :)

just a little, cuz apparently i'm pretty lucky already. last midterm today :) got out of class at 9:30. screwed around with the 'biffles' for the rest of the day. passing notes with E in the cafe... long and short of it is, if i asked Nathan out, he'd say yes. soooo happy. so now i just have to find a good time to say something.... with a bit of luck it'll work out. mmm.

and why can't i just try you know i've lost a lot i won't let this die i know i've got a friend up in the atmosphere and another reason not to fear the sky no not tonight, no not tonight ~Dangerous Summer, The Permanent Rain love that song. :) semi was last night.. fricking so much fun :) and you know, i think it was a good thing he didn't go. gave me time to think some... he's... different... then the other guys i've liked in the past. he knows now, but he's totally cool with it. doesn't change anything. i'm not totally dependent on him either. well, i mean, yeah, i am. but just as like a friend, someone to talk to my issues about. usually they have to be there for me to be happy... i'm not obsessing like i usually do. which is a nice change. there's only one thing about it that's bothering me- he knows where i stand. but i still don't know where he stands. but whatevs. at least only the three people i fully trust plus me know... as of yet. everyone else will find out sooner or later... but for now, we're good. by tuesday we'll be beck to normal- all of us. pineapples :)

so now he knows. i more or less told him. but apparently he's cool with it.. i'm the only one freaking out. bleh. oh, and btw, i'm getting him eyeliner for his birthday.. he's exactly three months older than me.

so i realized having my journal on private is totally pointless. blah... i was going to edit entries i posted while it was private, and then i decided not to. let the truth stand. i have about six or seven drafts saved on my email... all of them to him. all of them never to be sent. i realized a bunch of parallels today too. remember way back to summer camp? two kids, Patrick and Nathan. hmm. Patrick was hot and had a GF.. lets see. Base through and through. Nathan was an emo hottie.. same term i used for our Nate. creepy? maybs just a lil. i was talking to him like 10 mins ago about everyone talking about us.. 'OMG you guys are ADORABLE together! you should ttly go out!!' stupidest reasons i've ever heard of to go out with someone. but anyway... was talking to him... but i think he left. he does that when i ask him difficult questions.. .. is that on purpose? oh and i'm not supposed to know, but.. when one of my friends asked him if he liked me, apparently he said 'i dunno... it's complicated'. almost exactly what i said to her about him. x.

i talked to him on the phone for like an hour monday night. about absolutely nothing. i love him :) i was talking about him via notes with E in german today... he 'felt left out' and started passing notes with R... but i was talking to him while E was replying to my notes and... dammit, he's adorable. emo hottie now. i just don't know what to do... 'it's because i like you that i don't want to be with you' so the question is, with my reasons why i don't want him [but of course i do] even though i love him, am i being selfish or am i putting him first? because i really can't tell... damn.