...so why do i feel so alone? meh. i guess it's just me... almost had a breakdown last night. i was thinking about the guy i like and one of my guy friends... just horrible thoughts. i felt awful. but i suppose if i'm thinking these things, there must be some truth to them... -do i only like Peter because he was on JV and could help me improve my soccer so i can try out for a club team next fall? in short, do i only want him so i can use him? -do i like or think i might like [my guy pal] just because if i went out with him it would last? -do i only like him because everyone's asking me if i do and i'm getting tired of saying "no"? -am i forcing myself to like him so i will ask him out just to shut them all up? how screwed up can i get? i need some major help. Chloe, E, Tay if you still read this- now what? nowfuckingwhat?

you should try Linkin Park. i know it's not hip-hop, but Mike Shinoda of Fort Minor is originally from Linkin Park.. their music is brilliant :) http://www.purevolume.com/linkinparkofficialpv

just thought i'd mention this while i remembered. Christmas Eve i didn't eat dinner. then i didn't eat the next day until noon. so it struck me that i hadn't eaten for almost 20 hours. scary.... and mom got pissed at me for forgetting the date. this was... monday. i couldnt remember what day it was, and so she asked, well, what's tomorrow? and i said, i dunno. the 24th or 25th, im not sure. and she said, thats awful. they've had it on the same day for 2,000 years and you DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY CHRISTMAS IS??? it was totally uncalled for. just because i forgot one little date she was going to take all my christmas presents back and return them. not that i would have minded much. but anyway... everyone's asking me if i like my friend. [the one that was depressed] so what is it, you're not allowed to trust a guy and be really close with him unless he has a girlfriend that isn't you? how many times am i going to have to say i don't like him like that, we're just really close? i trust him. most of the time he understands and at least he tries to make me feel better. and i can tell he means it. most other people, when they try to cheer me up, say they understand, whatever, i'm never sure they mean it. they always seem fake. really fake. so that this one kid is honest with me, that means a lot to me. he has no idea how much. and a word to all those who have asked me if i like him, who have told me i should go out with him- just because he means a lot to me does not mean i'm madly in love with him. k? there's a difference between trust and love. x♥x

but it started with an alright scene is it them or is it me? she makes me feel like a failure. he never listens. she only complains. he tries to help but only makes it worse. the things she says... she never says outright that i'm a failure or a general disappointment. the things she says just.. imply that. she has no confidence in me whatsoever. she doesn't support me. everything i do is criticised. i'm pretty sure the only reason she cares about me at all is because she's worried about what people think of her when they look at me. well... i've got some news for her- the world does NOT revolve around her, her views to the contrary. most of the time i DO know what i'm talking about, thank you very much. i CAN do things right without her telling me exactly how. sometimes there IS a better way to do things than her way. I AM NOT A FAILURE. i am NOT who she thinks i am... and she won't let me be who i really am around her, because i don't want to be criticised, i don't want to be told i'm doing everything wrong by someone who wouldn't know, i'm not going to let her break me entirely. she can try as hard as she wants to, but i will never give completely. so, the question is, was i born okay and somehow i just ended up as a failure to her, or was i always something she hated? that show/movie on tv the other day was totally accurate- probably why she changed the channel so fast. "if you [the character's mom] don't respect me for who i am, how can i respect myself?" "when i grow up, i'm going to respect my kids for who they are. and i'm going to make damn sure they know that."

who called it? home. movie started half an hour ago... almost cried- what else is new? and now i might not be able to go to the party tomorrow. i hate my family.

but i sure ain't a star all my friends going to see I Am Legend tonight... ..and i'm gonna stay home and cry. x

because obsession never lasts how do i know it's not just the same old thing?

girl you just can't dance forever... latest obsession: Lostprophets. mmm... yummy. really good songs, really good meanings, really good for applying to my life... try some. today.

all alone and no one to talk to... oh well. i decided some things, finally, on the bus home from school- i'm mostly over Base. i don't really care that he's going out with her. i know i mean something to him, and he means something to me, but it doesn't really matter to me how much. on either side. also, i ttly like peter, and kinda wanna ask him out... if only (with ur permission, chlo) to invite him to the christmas party... but then, i know it'll be a weence more than that. thirdly, i like another guy, sorta, but i don't want to go out with him. it's a strange feeling, like... i dunno. i guess i've always been kinda shallow, so that liking a guy = go out with said guy. (wonder why i've never had a real boyfriend... that mentality always worked for the popular kids..) but anyway, we're really good friends, we trust each other, all this stuff- i can tell him anything and he knows that, he can tell me anything and i know that. so if i did go out with him, it'd be a really serious relationship. (which i'm not ready for, not the first time i have a bf. i wanna know what it's like first.) you only meet a few people who you will remember and who will mean something to you for the rest of your life- and i've found two in one year. guess my luck is getting better. x

is at an all time high... i have some bashing to do, and i don't want all my friends asking me what's wrong... but they're going to anyway. everyone's telling everyone else that they love them... tay and TJ. E and Chloe. Sutt and David. why not me? i've been feeling so good lately. been hyper since friday. i haven't felt that good in WEEKS. but now... everyone has a relationship- but me. so what if we THINK peter likes me... so what? he prolly doesn't anyway. and even if he does, which of us will have guts enough to say anything? i hate how, as soon as i have enough confidence to decide to do something... ...everyone else does stuff that makes me so happy for them, but feel so crappy about myself. just tell me you love me, tell me you mean it... so much for my good mood. so much for my temporary self-confidence... so much for love.