i hit it last night. i can't do this. i can't do this. i can't do this. he knows. and she knew that he knew. knew that he knew for weeks. and didn't say a word. so now he's not talking to me. and i can't talk to her because it's too painful. he's always with her. i said i wouldn't let another guy screw me up like this again. so why have i? i ;'can get over him', you say. i say i can't and you say i will. but how do i explain that i just can't? how do i explain... anything... that has to do with him? i've wanted to cry for the last week straight. and haven't been able to. not the time. not the place. not the company. 'do you think i told him?' yes, yes. i don't know how she hit on that so fast. but what do i say? 'i don't know. i don't know what to think anymore.' and that is the truth- i don't know what to think anymore. i don't want to think anymore. 'she begs the world to just let her go...'

my 53rd entry. so proud. i know i just posted like 20 mins ago but i started reading some of my older entries, the ones from the very beginning, and just holy crap... i never realized how much BETTER i was doing. i shouldn't have been worrying about the depression thing today- i know i've improved since last year. nothing to fear on that front. still need to learn to let go. i started writing a song about CC and H- best way to get my feelings out. wish me luck- how many times have i said that? -and how many times have i really needed it? and Imogen- i'm here for you, so one friend cares about you, even if i'm half a world away. virtual hugs, hope they help

only a 13 on the depression screening. they won't think i have issues. good. that is, of course, counting on the fact that they never find out i lied. my numbers should have been higher. well, who said i cared? anyways. i found out today just how annoying [awful] it is to be H's friend. it's impossible to talk t her alone. which i need to do. "you don't just walk up to someone and say, 'hello, i'm in love with your boyfriend'...it just doesn't work." so this afternoon i tried to talk to her at her locker. she hugs me, i try to talk- nope. she has to go hug JK's brother. ('he only gives me one hug a day, he hates hugs') then she comes back, and i try to talk again- "are you staying after tomorrow?" "yeah, i think so" i look around; somehow CC has magically appeared at my shoulder. "-good, i have to talk to you." she gets up and hugs him- and i mumble goodbye and walk away. i can't stand there and watch them, or wait for them. this is killing me. 'are you dying yet?' 'yeah...'[look away] 'well, your music is your IV' and today i was told i was pretty. by Shannon Quinn. and Bria. I laughed. and E knows now. a fourth in on the secret. well, you didn't really hit him with a train like you did to me, did you? and *A* is still in denial. isn't life grand? 'have to start to be myself cause i'm sick of everybody else'

i googled my name (Zaraiya) and apparently it's a) not as unique as i thought [Results 11 - 20 of about 4,920 for Zaraiya. (0.19 seconds) ] and b) actually a real name. but the first 2 hits were me :) so that was cool. my real name is even more popular. swear i'm changing it when i grow up. *** anyhoo. i made E promise he wouldnt go looking for my journal. and i have a question- purely hypothetical of course. lol. only the people who had lunch with me today will get that, and none of them read this. so we've established that i like (love) CC and that he's going out with H. but i know *something* about CC that i dunno of she knows... and i think maybs she should. she is his girlfriend after all. the problem is, how do i ask her if she knows? if i ask her straight out, 'did you know blah about CC' and she says no, then i just told her and broke his confidance. but if she knows, then she may be like holy fuck! nobodys supposed to know that!! then what do i say? sorry, i thought it was more important to find out that you know than keep his secret? god. im in over my head. i cant take it anymore.. all the hugging, how he holds her with her feet off the ground for five frickin minutes while i wait awkwardly for a minute to get a word in edgewise... so close, yet so far. it's another wasted year... and on top of him being out of reach, i think maybs i'm starting to like a kid who's practically going out with *A*. maybe its just that i trust him. more than E, which is saying sumthing, since ive turned to E more than once for advice. maybe it's just that i spilled everything to him at the football game. maybe its just cuz he's so damn cute. fuzzy little teddy bear kind of guy. i hug him every day... pretty funny. and on top of that... well lets not go there. i dont wanna think about that. and on top of that, depression screening tomorrow. 2nd period. im gonna DIE. i'll fail it, they'll tell my parents im clinically depressed... just what i need. lovely. well email me, kiddies, im bored. world history homework doesnt cut it. KittyKat_13@verizon.net welcome to the what?

im gone for four days and everything falls apart. four days. four days and my life flips completely upside down. you gave in. joyce and the boys are leaving. i dont really blame you for giving in, though. i think i would have done the same thing. i'd call you right now, but if i did i wouldn't know what to say. i think i'd cry. 'how can we make things right, just wanna make this right...' i think black is in order for tomorrow, hmm? this is so surreal. i mean, it was so obvious that this would happen sooner or later. i just didnt think it's be this soon. she's just up and leaving? ...how are the guys feeling? and letting E read.. are you sure? i dont want him finding mine. i really dont. he already knows im screwed up, im rather less oblique than you, i think. especially since half my entries are directed to you. f u c k . so now what? .. how can i hide this?? im gonna show sumthing, by accident. the 'rents will pick up on something. and i wont be able to lie my way out of it. shit, what do i do? what am i supposed to do? and on top of this- CC and H are back together. and i cant take it. someone send help before life drowns me.